They don't understand...

I am very emotional at the moment, I chose to spend Christmas on my own, but my best friend was insistent on me coming over, every time I try and drive over I cry, I can’t face her happy family and their new addition and Christmas jollity.
I agreed yesterday, but didn’t feel like I feel today… my head is pounding too.
I keep telling myself to get a grip, but there’s been so much loss this year, last year everyone was with us and we were all getting through the best we could even though we knew things were going to be hard, we didn’t know how hard or who else we would lose.
I don’t want to upset her, I know she’s worried about me, but I can’t think of any nice way of declining without offending and I just want to put on music or a film and have a glass or two and not think about it being Christmas, as last year was spent in A&E and then in hospice and it just went further downhill from there…
I feel for everyone who has lost someone they love, you can’t comprehend it until you experience it. It is so very hard, especially at the moment.

Hi im not saying this to offend but your friend doesnt feel what you feel her life is a bed of roses .Yours is a complete nightmare (mine is too )think of number 1 .Christmas doesnt mean the same thing to you this i understand .Yes shes being kind but quite possibly youd feel complete horror if you went .Me id say no you need help or space through christmas not ramming down your throat that all is well .Ive people stay away dont send me cards or wish me merry christmas am i being horrrible .No im thinking of myself .I completely understand how you feel and i hope ive not upset you .Friend hug Colin (57)

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I agree with Colin p I suggest telephoning her and saying Im really sorry I thought I could do this but I can’t I hope I haven’t upset your plans and I’m really touched by your kindness maybe next year I will be able to but not this year it’s all to raw I’m sure you understand. I’m having none of it myself so I completely get it it’s not being selfish its trying to manage your grief the best way you know how to unless people have lost someone they have no ideal how debilitating it is every step forward is hard and if people put pressure on you at the worse possible time in your life then maybe it’s time to reassess your friendships you should be able to be honest without worrying about reactions, your in survival mode at the moment and that simply means you do what you need to do. xx

Hi I identify exactly with your pain .It’s unbearable I found myself succumbing to taking a overdose twice in October when I lost my dearest daughter to cancer.she was only fortysix.i am always on the brink of tears.

Hi Colin
It is a bed of roses, she has got the baby she always desired and all her loved ones around her.
I feel awful telling her to just let me be…
No offense taken at all.
All is not well.
Thank you. Gemma

Thank you Aquarius.
I know she is just concerned and part of her thinks baby and that me with friends will help me get through this…
It is very debilitating at the best of times…

Annette that is awful, no parent should lose a child. I am so sorry for your loss.
I hope you are no longer at such a low ebb and that you are receiving some help?
Cancer was the reason for our 3 losses this year…
I cannot imagine anything worse than losing a child. Not that anyone’s grief is measurable, I hope you know where I am coming from.
Thinking of you.

Hi good folks,
I have just been reading some powerfully emotional messges on this site. I find that since I am alone, no family worth speaking of and only a limited number of friends, I have been dreading Christmas. I know it is only a day, but by Jove the build up to it doesn’t half make me feel so lonely and cut off from the world. to make things worse Christmas day would have been my Mother’s birthday…a difficult day at best since the previous 2 Christmases she was very ill…I lost my patience with her which adds to guilty feelings. However the good folks on this site has enabled me to put things into perspective.
I went–for the very first time–to the crematorium, today, where my mother’s ashes were scattered in the same area as my father’s; who passed away 17 years ago on the 5th of January. I was unashamedly sobbing away. There were a load of visiters paying their repects to their loved ones as well…some stoicly brave and others like me, emotional. in some way it made me feel that I was not alone…but being on my own compounded the isolation further. the day will likely become an anti-climax—I hope–but I have already bought a bouquet of flowers for my Mother and I will light a candle for her.
I just pray that your day–and especially the night–will be gentle for you all.

Sorry for the rambling message…I am tired out…so please take things easy out there. do what you feel is best for you…the idea of being amongst a crowd of people while seemingly celebrating or enjoying themselves would only compound things for us who are grieving or don’t want to be amongst others, especially people that we don’t know too well. I feel that I would end up dampening the atmosphere. I was asked by a distant raletive would I like to go to their place for the day…well meaning but I would find myself depressing everyone since I would be so uncomfortable in company.

All the best to you david… i will be glad when new year is over… never felt so sad as what i do now… hope you manage to sleep ok. you are right… you have to do whats best for you. Take care. Also it would of been my mums birthday 29th dec :frowning:

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Take it easy, you did a good thing today.
I will also will be thinking of many others who are suffering tomorrow, including you.
I wish you didn’t feel so guilty, I am certain that your mother would’ve understood and that she loved you unconditionally, as you did her. It’s tough caring for someone short term, let alone long term, we all have our moments when it gets too much and we snap or go and smash something in another room, I have done both.
Be kind to yourself tomorrow, we are not infallible.
Warm wishes

I know how you feel I lost my only child 4 weeks ago I’m crying constantly he was only 33

I just want to say how sorry I am that you have lost your daughter so young . I thought my pain was unbearable losing a young husband to cancer but I don’t think anything can compare to losing your child. Cancer is wicked and I’m so sorry for your loss I hope you can get through this. Xxx

Hello Charliedan
I lost my dear only son age 52 years in August last year and the pain and geartbreak never seems to subside and feel very much for you. Christmas was a nightmare. I hoping things will improve for both of us. God bless Jan

I lost my Mum in June 2016 to a long degenerative illness and it just keeps hurting more and more every day. It feels like I’m isolated from everyone around me by an invisible bubble the can’t be penetration. Nobody else seems to be able to see my pain and I’m becoming very isolated and very severely depressed.

Twelve days have now passed and I guess we all got through the “festive season” as best we could. Each new day is such a difficult path to tread alone but I keep trying to put one foot in front of the other and keep going…grief is the counterpart to love and for those of us who will probably grieve in some way for the rest of our lives it can sometimes help to reflect how blessed we were to have loved and been loved in return…Take care everyone

Hi mdmmsrhs,

I’m so sorry to hear about your mum and that you are becoming isolated and depressed. Not having anyone to talk to about grief very often makes it worse. You say that no one can see the pain you are in - are there any friends or family members you could try opening up to about how you are feeling?

I’m glad that you have found this site and have taken the step of being able to share how you feel here - our users are very supportive and understand what it is like to lose a loved one.

If you think you may be suffering from depression, then it sounds as though you could also benefit from some counselling or bereavement support. Your GP can refer you to counselling or support services in your local area, or you can get support fromCruse Bereavement through their help line or face-to-face services. (0808 808 1677 or