They have gone

Hi everyone

I am new to this so please hold on tight. I am under 30 years old and have now lost both of my parents. Lost my dad 5 years ago to cancer. And lost my mum back in March 17 to alcohol. I have been really struggling. My friends and partner don’t understand what this is like.

How does everyone cope?

Hi SophMay

So sorry to hear about your Mum and Dad. It is a very hard emotional burden you are having to bear at such a young age. My son also under thirty lost his Dad 4 months ago and I have been diagnosed with Cancer. He seemed to be coping ok but yesterday broke down sobbing. He too says he cannot talk to friends as they don’t understand. Unfortunately no one does until it happens to them.

The only advice I can give is find someone to talk to - a counsellor or therapist who can help you to process your feelings about what has happened. You have to go on and live the life your Parents would want you to.

Sending you a big hug

Yvonne x

Hi - I’m a little older than you (46), but found myself in much the same position in 2015. My Dad had suffered a brain injury as a result of treatment he had for cancer 12 years previously. He very nearly died twice back then. My mum was his carer. Then, on her birthday in April 2015, my Mum was diagnosed with terminal mesothelioma (caused by asbestos). She lasted just 4 months. The care of my Dad was left to me (I’m an only child), which was tough as I have a young family and a demanding job. My Dad really couldn’t cope on his own even with the help I was providing, and I’d reached the point where I was going to have to force him to go into care. It was heart wrenching. I had an appointment for social services to assess him. He had no idea about it but, mercifully in some ways, he died the previous day from a massive heart attack.

I was very close to my parents and, as you might imagine from your own experience, I was in quite a mess after all that!

I had some counselling after my Mum died. It helped. I haven’t revisited it following losing my Dad and, if I’m being honest with myself, I am struggling to come to terms with it I think. My career suffered as a result and there are times when I well up at the slightest thing (writing this being just one!), but if its any reassurance to you, those moments are becoming further apart. The other thing is that its taught me what is important in life. I used to focus on my job. Now I focus on my family much more and I am planning to retire much earlier than I was.

So, there are certainly some positives that are starting to emerge. The important thing is not to feel guilty when they do. Accept that there will be moments when you struggle, even years afterwards. Filling as much as you can of your life with positive experiences will help to rebalance you. The feeling of loss I don’t think will ever go away; its a question of balancing that with some happiness, which will come.

Hi SophMay, how are you doing? It’s been a few weeks since your first post. How are you things for you? x

Hi SophMay( and everyone else.)

Just wanted to reach out to say you are not alone.

Life certainly seems to come hard and fast at you at times. I am a bit older at 42 but can relate to how you feel. My dad died in May 17 and 6 weeks later my mum was given 6 weeks to live. I cared for her from the day my dad died. Thankfully she is still battling on but her cancer is very advanced and there won’t be long left.

Nobody understands unless they have experienced loss so that is why I have come here and I get great comfort knowing that I am not alone. Keep sharing your thoughts, write them down to get them out of your head and be patient with yourself. Surround yourself with people who understand and are kind. You will be surprised where support pops up when you open up to people.

Hope you come back here to chat.

Ann x

My parents died four months apart when i was 19, 25 next month and it still feels like my soul is suffocating. Time doesn’t help you, you just learn to breathe without lungs. It feels like i went up in flames and nobody saw it, but here i am smoldering