It really is such a rollercoaster of emotions isn’t it, but we have no choice but to hang on tight and go with it. I have read your posts over many months and I can tell that you are doing your very best.
Your comments make me realise that maybe I am not doing as badly as I think I am. So thank you for all your honesty and empathy. Enjoy your ice cream 
wish I could join you. X
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thank you,i was fine when i got there,home on the bus,the tears started,thank goodness for sunglasses and an empty bus,feel a washed out emotional wreck! xx
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Hi. Mandy. I may have got muddled up. But is it your birthday today as well as Adrian’s. Happy Birthday if it is . If not Happy Birthday for when it comes Your roses look beautiful and well established now . I’m afraid I still haven’t planted anything for John. I normally plant a tree for deaths and births x. I have 2 lovely acres for Alisa and Liam One is red the other is orange I have them in tubs so I can take them if I move. One is 24 and the other 17 so they look well. Feel quite guilty because I don’t know what to plant for John. I sorry you’ll have had a traumatic day and wish you much happiness and strength for the future. Xxxx. Love Yvonne
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Ive just got back from my daughters..hate coming home to an empty house so I had my nails booked in …made it a bit easier nails are a new thing that brighten me up .
We learn different tactics .
Been nice staying with my daughter , but I do feel I should try to brighten myself up in company ..18 months on
At least I can control the tears more than I could .
Hope youve got a little treat for after tea ..that always helps too xx
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thanks yvonne,just adrians birthday today,mine on 24th…and yours is on the 10th…i remembered! i love acers,mine is a full sized tree,and its shooting from the lower trunk,lloks spectacular! i got the rose last year for his 80th,my “skills” are zero,i feed it,water it,and “hacked i t back” last winter. somebody said it would be better going in the ground,but no space where i can see it.so you have done well keeping the acers going in pots for years. x
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Hi. One of my sons has a birthday on 22nd . He might be coming up for Mini but he’s been saying that for months. My dad’s tree is an acer tree . It’s been growing in the ground but was held back by other shrubs so I’ve just. Cut down the one that were on the way . It looks much better it is a one that has pink leaves . I’ve got the problem of boys wanting to take me out for a meal and me not wanting to do anything . It’s not the same without John. I’ll go and put on a happy face. Makes them happy. It’s a pity I can’t get a rose named after a train for John . I’m going for an eye test tomorrow . I hate them especially when they blow air into your eye. I hope you’ve managed to get through the day without too many tears
thinking of you. Yvonne. 
The rose I bought for Paul is called Crazy Love and I can’t send the picture because luckily I have seen a lot of unwanted wildlife making free 
Tomorrow they will be dealt with
I bought home two acers for his son but he said we should keep one and I’m glad we did Just so many memories of setting up house together
Feeling sad tonight that his three children are not in touch That life has disappeared as well
I know it’s not just me Paul called it happy families and tried his best but I’m not used to family arguments and cutting off contact
But I’m lucky to have a happy family
Its cool here now and I hope it is for you all
Mandy you’ll be tired out with your emotions It’s so hard at times
I do hope you have a better day tomorrow
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thanks yvonne,im feeling less wobbly today, poor sleep,but no matter,im not needing to be firing on all cylinders today…or anyday!!! “world of roses”have all sorts of names for roses,maybe even a train! yes,go out for a meal with your sons,at least it gets youout,and they want to see you too. i too hate that glaucoma test with the blast of air,i jum p out of the chair! my eye test is septmeber i combine it with flu jab at the chemist next door its in truro,its a day out on the train. once again its “something to do” xx
thank you,im less “wobbly”today,but wont take much for the tears to flow,i can feel it! ive done shopping early away from the heat,washing out,all too organised.!! so sad about the family life, people are so strange.i dont have contact with adrians family,he has 2 surviving brothers and 3 nieces,but we had little contact before,they were never close,different life styles,so i dont miss them!!! my family consists of mother aged 94 in carehome,my son,daughter in law and 2 grandsons(12 and 10)who live in portishead, couple of hours away.always in contact. enjoy battle with wildlife! x
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@Yewtree ,Dear Yvonne,happy birthday. xx
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Thank you so much. I’ve had a nice day. I got a Fortnum and Mason bag. With clotted cream in scones jam teabags marshmallows. Very kind it was from Lisa who picks me up on a Thursday after Friendship club.some lovely flowers . Some chocolates. Also went out for a meal with Scott Nicola and Liam we all had a Parmo. i forgot to take my tablets so I was a bit tired. Joyce forced herself to drive over because Tony had a burst blood vessel behind his eye and she didn’t want to miss my birthday. She still doesn’t feel very confident after what the garage had said about clutch burning out being her fault. I’ll try and think of all you lovely people when I get down and try to be happier. Thank you. Yvonne. 
xx
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wow,you did well,you can now have “cornish cream tea”…down here its jam 1st,cream on top!x
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Thought I would be brave today and went to a hen afternoon tea for a family member. It was held in the same place as Nigel first took me out to Dinner nearly 30 years ago. I thought that I could manage it and I put on a happy face for the afternoon , but since getting back to the empty house has just reduced me to an evening of tears. I just wonder whether it would be easier to just not go to events that always leave me exhausted and in tears. I feel that people will think that after two years I should be coping much better.
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People will always tell you what they have no clue about… It depends on how you feel. It has been over 1 year and I still cry. Sometimes I’m able to smile or laugh, but I always end up in tears, every day, as well as tonight, when I went to church and had to look at couples holding hands and kissing there that is unbearable to watch. Some of them were very old and we were not. I and my most beloved husband had so many things ahead of us. It’s terrible! 
Janka
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im very teary this week beryl,his birthday on the 8th hit harder than last year,i found 2nd christmas harder too…reality…who knows…i dont! im not sure staying at home will help,its good to get out,socialise sometimes empty house gets me,sometimes its a sanctuary after toomuch noise. no two events the same. my family are down early nest saturday,then home again on sunday,knowing them early,im already getting tearful at the thought of their departure. take care beryl,onwards and upwards again! xx
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Thank you so much for your understanding and empathy. So good to know that there are those that really do understand. I try not to be jealous of others but I have to confess that I really am. It annoys me when I hear those that do nothing but complain about their husbands when they really don’t know how hard the alternative of not having them anymore really is.
Take care of yourself and thank you.
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when i was down on the beach this week i saw older couples holding hands,sitting in chairs,holding hands,the only consolation is adrian wouldnt have been sat in a deck chair holding my hand,i doubt if he would have even been on the beach!v,in 50years beach was a a rare place for us together,so its no memory lane. . i still felt “left out” i sometimes wonder if these random days out alone are worth the effort. but i feel i need to try things ,or i will never know….no answers are there? xx
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Hello. I agree that it is better to try and go out even if it leads to tears later. Seeing and talking to other people helps at least you know there are other people in the world. Some days I see nobody I still go for counselling but it doesn’t help. We don’t talk about John leaving it’s all been said. We try and concentrate on how I manage now and in the future. I’m afraid I do dwell in the past because I still can’t see a future alone. I feel like John just left yesterday although it’s been around 20 months. I should take a leaf out of Manb’s book and try going out alone. I’m still thinking of Solo holidays.but thinking is about as far as I get. If I can’t make the best of the sunshine what will I do when winter comes around again. It’s a pity we don’t live close we could meet up then we wouldn’t be alone. I was pleased England won last night. I can leave flag out a bit longer . Keep hanging in there. By the law of averages things must get better. Xxx
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i guessed you would be watching the footie,first thing i knew was when just dropping off was a few fireworks,i was not pleased,checking the clock i had to presume the fireworks were footie results. it would be lovely to meet some of the lovely people on here,we are scattered far and wide.in the meantime keep chatting everybody! when i go to the beach i sit on the slip way where the dog walkers go to the seaton river as it flows to sea, i can talk to the dogs,their humans talk back,its another conversation.i did a solo overseas as it was a familiar hotel,older guests,some solos,it was “ok”.ive booked again for feb 2027. otherwise my overseas are with a much younger friend who loves travel and is happy to have granny in tow,but i did that when adrian was alive,he didnt do “lazy holidays”our overseas were “cultural”. the last 10 years of his life we had our caravan by the sea,so didnt go far,we loved it,we used it all year round,the community there was a big part of our lives.i think im lucky that im good at looking at tomorrow not yesteday,not that the tomorrows are offering much most days. you are so right,law of averages….it can only get better,youare so much more positive yvonne.
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Perhaps those who complain have something to complain about
If we think our husbands were so lovely it’s because they were and weren’t we the lucky ones to have those happy times even if we’re paying the price in tears I wouldn’t have it any other way
I agree it’s very hard to watch other people having the closeness that we have lost
I know I’m looking more to making a life for myself with joining lots of clubs but the people I relate to best are widows
I booked into an a walk around our botanic gardens But there were drinks first and I felt very alone as the couples and friends all sat apart from each other
I started to walk out but then thought No I will stay for the tour ! Then I saw a single woman and asked if she was alone and explained how unsociable the others were and she was very nice and chatty
It’s hard to get up the nerve all the time I’m sure Paul and I would have always included a single person at an event
So I would say it’s better to go out and risk having it rammed home that your on your own because nothing definitely changes if we stay at home
And Yvonne I don’t think you realise it but you are a different person! And when I read your text it is an inspiration to see how life can change and the real you is surfacing again despite ongoing tears and feeling disheartened at times
Since you showed us your leather sofa no end of leather treatment pop up on the internet Making new out of old but taking it with a pinch of salt
I wanted to send a photo of Pippa poodle after she had gone to the groomer to restore her reputation- but when I said cut her short because of the weather I didn’t expect to pick up a skinhead 
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