Phone unlocked ***
So so for any typing errors and im talking the text and it doesn’t seem to recognise some of my words..
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I get that you feel like your going mad. There is a type of madness in grief. I talk to Gordon all the time , I lost him 16 months ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, he was playing walking football that he loved and to me it seems to be getting worse. my heart physically aches. Seeing couples together shopping, walking doing normal evreyday things makes me so sad and alone. We will never grow old together and be able to comfort and care for each other, The thought of getting older on my own terrifies me.
Sleep is impossible, I snatch a few hours , I miss his big strong body next to me, even miss his snoring! The early morning chats, the cuppa in bed, now its just silence.
I put on a front sometimes, but on my own Im a mess not knowing what to do, what is my role now? I dont want to eat , I just cant be bothered.
But evryday I TRY to find a little bit of joy or something to make me smile. Usually thinking about silly things we laughed at or seeing our Grandchildren.
Sending love to you all going through this hell of grief, xxx
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You just told my story there word for word, I used to be nudging Ron for snoring and he’d say you want to yourself lol.
Then his same little joke was “ what comes after S darling and I’d say T and he’d say oh yes please I’d love a cuppa i miss our silly cheesey jokes about everything we would split our sides laughing at nothing really. Now there is just cold silence and hot salty tears over the past 6 weeks..
Hellish is the word….
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**Want to hear yourself dear ***
Paul used to say
You better turn on your side a pity if you land on the floor!
Luckily I have hearing aids so his snoring was hardly heard I knew I’d have to live without it one day 
I lived in fear of loosing him at night but when he was awake he was joking 95% of the time What wonderful life to give up
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I am sincerely sorry for your loss it’s just so heart breaking 
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Andy63
Thank you for your understanding.im glad its not just me.all these things can upset us.i had a letter from the solicitors today that upset me too.my eyes are sore through all the crying.I am trying my best but itsall so difficult upsetting and painful.I hope you are ok?take care.
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I too miss his presence, we had a good marriage . He was due to retire this next spring .this is what breaks my heart , he didn’t get chance to finish work after working hard all his life .
I too look at older couples and feel the loneliness of being on my own .I really do begrudge couples .im hoping this bitterness leaves me in time .I even look at people who aren’t happily married and think why my colin and not them .
Ive had a few better days this past week after a London trip with my daughter .but on my way to work this morning I just broke down .nearly came home .but my friend made me a cup of tea and I got on with it xx
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I feel your pain and everyone else’s on here. Nothing prepares you the pain that is so strong it feels physical as well.
When I see couples getting on with their lives as we used to, I want to say to them please appreciate how very fortunate you are at the moment. I don’t of course, but it’s so hard to watch in silence.
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Lulu4
you have said exactly my thoughts and feelings.I talk to my dear wife all the time, she passed in february very suddenly at home.i am so sorry for your loss.I know my life will never ever be the same again.my dear loving, caring, kind, gentle wife taken from me.i agree with you it does seem to be getting worse.im trying my best but it all feels to much.The responsibilities, the loneliness, the emptyness, coming back to the emty house, eating alone, sitting on the sofa alone , sleeping alone.Its like an ongoing nightmare.i feel like i am a stranger in this world now, seeing couples everywhere enjoying their lives, it makes me feel sad and alone too.Thats how my dear wife and i should be.I put on a “mask” for work and shopping, my heart and mind is with my dear wife day and night.Its a horrible so called life we have now.
Take carexx
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I lost my John suddenly a week before Christmas and I’m getting worse as time goes on, I miss him so much, we’d been together 40 years and I’m feeling like I can’t bear to be here another day without him
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Anita25
So sorry to hear of your loss Anita25 i lost my wife of almost 36 years on 31 july this year just over 14 weeks now my oldest son is coming with me just for 5 days to the canaries to get away for xmas as we dont want to be in my bungalow this year everything has changed now i look back and realise i have never lived on my own before and i know where you are coming from as do the others on this site, the vast majority feel or have felt as you do but myself its about my wifes wish for me to be happy so i strive to change things a little at a time i have done the two things advised by grief councillors joined a gym for exercise( it helps with the anger as well) and volunteer so instead of being isolated i have social contact its not going to fix the situation but it helps by giving me something else to concentrate on, its slow baby steps with each day hopefully getting better and less and less bad days i hope you can do something similar or seek more help we can have a good life when we learn to live with our loss,best wishes keep posting
Thank you.
It was so sudden I never had chance to put any wrongs right, I’m living with so much regret, no matter what I’ve tried to do I can’t take that away.
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Anita25,
The guilt of the what ifs and I should have done that, are hard. I remember when Sue was diagnosed with cancer, she told me she wanted to live. 9 1/2 weeks later she collapsed. Sue was on life support at the hospital as her heart had stopped at least a couple of times. I had to do cpr till the Ambulance arrived. So I think they had made up their minds, but I had to say let her go. I know it was the right thing to do, but the guilt I feel is hard. Yet we have to keep going step by step.
Take care
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Anita we all have regrets…big and small…and that will never change. We also had many more good times worth remembering.
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Anita25
i am so sorry for your loss.I lost my dear wife after 36 years of a lovely happy marriage in february, it was all so sudden and unexpected.I find the regret and guilt too never leaves me, i just wish i could have done more for her.i have found this site so comforting, everyone is so kind and understanding.Our loved ones circumstances in passing may differ but we all know what each of us are going through and can relate to each other.Take care Anita
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Nightwish1
I hope you are ok? i will be thinking of you tomorrow.You are exactly right about the guilt feeling.Its with me every day and i will always have that feeling.I say to my dear wife every day for her to forgive me for not doing more for her.As you say we have to keep going step by step.Take care.
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I think we were loved for being who we are - human loving and kind Making mistakes and being grumpy is human nature I’m trying to think of the good times I want to write them down but I’m usually falling asleep !
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Thank you, Brummy.
I hope you are ok, with your shredding. Hope Chester is not to bad for you tomorrow, its supposed to be dry up here tom,so I hope it is for you.
The guilt is strange, we did are best and they know that, and I sure they would say there is nothing to forgive.
Take care
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Nightwish1, i have called a halt to the shredding for a while it was upsetting me too much even though it was my dear wifes mums paperwork, i know it sounds silly.I ve got thr gardener coming early tomorrow to cut the hedges and bushes, so i will hopefully leave him to it while i go shopping.We have had him for over 30 years, very trustworthy which is so important nowadays.All this responsibility is so upsetting too.Take care.
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