So it’s been 10 weeks, this weekend and I fell into a bit of a low. Decided to take myself out today to a place we liked by a lake. After a while I started to feel fairly good and went to a place overlooking the lake for a meal and glass of wine (treat myself, why not!). My waitress says “You are alone? Is company not better?” Now I don’t believe there was any intent in it but that floored me. However, after a while I kind of started to laugh about it. I mean, what terrible timing I am sure you all have similar things happen?
It’s not as though we have recently bereaved plastered across our foreheads. But yes unfortunate timing. Xx
Whenever we had an online delivery, my husband was always first at the door and packing the things into bags and passing them to me.
After he died, when I had an online delivery, the chap must have been one we had previously and he said to me: “What is he letting you get on with it by yourself today?’ I said to him: “My husband died two weeks ago!” The delivery guy couldn’t stop apologising and it probably ruined his whole day!!!
Very true and I don’t think I fancy wearing a badge so everyone knows
Or make us all wear some kind of uniform.
For me it was the lady that comes to collect the window cleaning money.
Last year my wife had a huge pot of basil growing in the porch and the lady commented on how much she liked it, my wife duly handed her a carrier bag full of basil.
A few weeks back the lady came to the door for the money and asked if my wife wasn’t growing the basil again this year? I felt terrible having to tell her and she couldn’t apologise and get out the garden quick enough. Someone else collects the window money now
Oh gosh! I am sure he was mortified. I am also sure I have said similar things without thinking too. I have found it a useful tool to get rid of cold callers though. I have answered the door to have them ask if it’s a good time. If you are honest with them about why it’s not a good time, they can’t get away fast enough!
yes the same happened to me
Slightly different, but my father died on 7th April and then my husband on 20th July. After my husband’s death my mother said “we can be merry widows together!” cheerfully. Awful. She also likes to tell me that it’s far worse for her. I was only married 30 years, and she was married nearly 60. I calmly say that we’re not in competition but I’m finding her comments very hard to take.
Oh dear! That was not an amusing remark and I bet she regretted it after she said it. I find it unhelpful when people try and compare your grief with the length of time being married. Like when a ‘well meaning’ neighbour said to me: “Well, you were only married 52 years. Think of me, being married for 60 years!”
It will be two years next month since my husband passed away. I relive it still every day and being with him holding his hand when he died. He had been dead for only a month and a friend said to my daughter: “I think your mother has ‘turned the corner’ — she seems OK now!”
I often think what someone of note once said: “It’s better to say nothing and be perceived to be a fool than to open your mouth and confirm it!” I may not have got the quote exact but you get the idea!
I had a classic at the tip, I was jumping up and down on boxes to flatten them and a man decided to say “why is your husband not doing that” I should have just said “I don’t need a man” or even “my wife is at home” but instead I told the truth “my husband is at home in bed as he’s terminally ill” his response? “I’ll let him off then”
It is incredible in this day and age that anyone should make a comment like that. Why should a woman not be capable. I was a woman in a man’s world at work. There were few women in IT when I started. It could be difficult going out to get male clients to talk to you and trust you knew your job. Hotels would sit you behind plants and in corners and getting served at the bar could be a marathon job. I did think things had changed but comments like that say not by much.
I know… he was in his senior years and reminded me of my dad who was always banging on about “woman’s work” oh the arguments we use to have… Lol
That is a very strange way for your mother to look at it and sounds hard on you. I was only with my husband 4 years and married for 2 of them so I guess I wouldn’t get much sympathy from her I think there are different ways to look at it. I imagine it’s much harder in some ways when people have been together for a long time as you must be so used to having them there. But alternatively, I feel robbed of the years I should have had. Like you say it’s not a competition, everyone just has their own story
My dad didn’t think girls had brains. No way was I going to be allowed to go to uni. It drove him nuts that I was a programmer. I had to get a Saturday job but not my brother. It was as it was. The whole of my career I earnt less than a man but I was good at my job so when redundancies came about they kept me because I was good and cheap. Different when I worked at Laura Ashley.
Your mum sounds like my mum. My husband is 43 with terminal cancer and we have 2 young children and a dog and I have Crohn’s disease. Over the last few months I’ve had-
“Well I cared for your dad (he was 83 when he died) but it was much harder for me. It’s ok for you, you’re young”
Another day when I explained I will be a single (skint) widowed parent my mum said “I know, I was really like a single parent as your dad was always working”
Oh and if I ever say I’m concerned about the future for my kids due to finances I always get “well my friend coped and she had 3 kids” I had to explain that was before the government screwed over widows with children.
Needless to say; I don’t bother saying anything anymore
A couple of weeks after my wife passed away I was just leaving the house when the postman came up the drive.
Obviously I had received a lot of bereavement cards but he said was it your birthday you had a lot of cards.
I was hurting so much and angry with life I told him the truth. At the time his feelings didn’t matter to me, but did feel sorry for him later
It’s always nice to have the support of your parents.
Our postman has been so helpful. I had an air fryer delivered by Royal Mail. When I opened the door he saw I used a stick so asked where I would like it and carried to the kitchen for me. I suspect all our postmen know what’s going on. We once had a letter with our name on but the wrong address and he got it to us first time.
@LizFar rather insensitive and odd of your mum to make comments like that?
You lost 30 future years that your mum had - loss of what was yet to be far worse imo