This is my first post after reading comments in this forum for a few months. My mum died unexpectedly in September. We were very close as I’m an only child. I spoke to her twice a day, went out with her often for coffees & trips and I miss her so much. I am back at work and getting out and about but feel like I am ‘acting’ all the time - pretending to be a happy person. The only way I am coping is by not thinking about mum, everytime I think about mum, see her photo or talk about her it makes me so upset. I want to remember the happy times with my mum & share stories about the things we did but as soon as I try I just start crying. My husband says mum wouldn’t want me to be like this & I know he’s right but I really don’t know how to start thinking about her without crying. I rationally know she was in her 80s and couldn’t live for ever but this doesn’t help Does anyone have any advice on how to be able to talk about mum without getting so upset all the time? It’s my first birthday without mum at the weekend. I don’t want her to be forgotten.
Ahhh Northerndaughter … I am very similar. I am okay unless I ‘think’ about my Mum. If I look at photos, find something in my Mum’s room that was special to her or that she put tidily away because it was important to her, I cry. Mum and I lived together. Life still feels very surreal for me, although I am functioning. I think it is the brain’s way of coping little by little. I cry every session in my bereavement counselling session because the happy memories and talking about my Mum stir all sorts of emotions. I have learnt to allow myself to cry, to accept that this happens. I then think ‘emotion brain’ which somehow helps me to rationalise it. I then do something practical, usually washing up and I get back into ‘function’ mode again. Like you, I also know and say that Mum wanted me to be happy so I try to do this and fulfil her wish. Birthdays - My mum’s body was brought over night in the church that she loved the day before the funeral. My firsts have been Christmas, New Year, Mother’s Day. I treat them like any other day, as Mum used to say everyday is like Christmas. I do however do something for my Mum e.g. flowers at the grave for Mothers day and in our home. I am now decorating eggs using diamond art. I will put one on Mum’s grave. Can you do something that would have either made your Mum proud or something that she would have liked for her birthday? A new plant if you have a garden? By doing something positive I feel that I keep close to my Mum.
I’m sorry to hear you are also in the same situation as many of us here. My mum died 10 months ago. I miss her every day and think about her all the time. However I can now find little moments of joy in the world around me and memories of mum. I still cry at times when I think about mum or if I hear a song that reminds me of her. It’s all so up and down isn’t it? My advice and it’s just from my experience is that the tears are there because you care and are grieving and they need to come out. Try to cry when you need to. Be kind to yourself. Probably your mum would not want you to be upset but you love her and it’s natural that you are upset at times. My birthday is coming up in a few months and I’m going to do something for mum and for me. Haven’t decided what yet. Don’t know if any of this makes sense but I hope it brings some comfort to you xx
Beautifully said. I get moments when I smile and laugh naturally too. The tears are because of our deep love.
I’m glad it made sense to someone I wasn’t sure how it would read. I too get moments when I laugh really hard at something on TV then think ‘Why am I laughing?’ But mum would also have laughed at these things. Then later I’ll be crying. It is so up and down. I thought your post was really helpful too particularly the parts about the brain. take care as best as you can xx