This and that

I haven’t been to this forum for a while
In a few days will be 2 years since I lost my Jack
As time passes and I look at his pictures it almost feel as a dream and my sadness gets deeper and deeper
I miss him so much - I miss his company.
How I wished he were here to hold my hand, to hold me tight … and I still don’t understand how I can be happy again

Since Jack died I find difficult to concentrate reading books so I am using Audible - they have brilliant books on kids, grief, finding meaning in life once you loose your beloved partner. These books helped a lot - they helped me to understand so many things I felt - these books helped me cry … they simply helped me

I think in the past 2 years I aged - I always looked younger for my age - I think now this is not the case
It really annoys me that with sadness and grief I put weight on and somehow I am finding very difficult to loose this weight -
My life feels so upside down - outwards I am fine , lockdown helped me to learn to be without Jack - it increase my resilience . But I am so so sad
I am glad to be back here
Sadie x

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Sadie where to start you are ferther along this than me it’s been 15 months for me where as that time gone. But I still feel lost in this life that we are all living now more so than I was I think its the fact that people think your fine now but your still screaming inside its the lonelines of greaf Iam finding I slip back its the dark night and the weather and this dreaded all cansuming loneliness. I don’t no what tomarow will bring for any of us but we have to live in the hope that it will be better. X

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Hi. Sadie. And I am sure we are all glad you are back. I did wonder where you had got to!
It’s nearly two years since my wife died and I know exactly what you mean. The last two years seem to have gone by without me even realising it. What happened to 2019 I have no idea. Sounds silly, but I am sure you know what I mean. You feel as if you have aged. I think such an awful experience such as we have had does make us feel our age, even among young people. Yes, lockdown has meant we are having to get used to being alone, but communicating with others is so important. That’s why sites such as this are invaluable.
Take care Sadie. We are all still here and talking to each other. John.

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Hi there Sadie
So pleased you are back I did wonder what had happened to you. I am also coming up to two years and know exactly how you feel.
I have given up on that word happy, I act that way with other people but inside I am still hurting. Lockdown also helped me for a while but like you I always have that feeling of sadness. I do try to shake it off though.
Jonathan is right when he says what happened to last year, I can hardly remember anything about it.
However I don’t want to feel sorry for myself, I want to have a life or the best I can manage and I do hope that you can find some sort of peace one day. I wish it for all of us.
We are glad to have you back Sadie, so keep in touch, always pleased to hear from you.
Pat xx

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Hi Sadie
I know what you mean about aging - I too looked younger than my age- but I look now in the mirror and barely recognise myself at times. I feel that I am a shadow of who I used to be. I was put through a lot of stress from other family members after my mum died and I have wrinkles that in normal circumstance would have taken five years only took five months. This time I lost a stone in 5wks I was walking a lot and not noticing when I ate. I too had wanted to lose weight but not like that. I am back ironically to my normal weight. I put on over a stone after my dad died when my own illness took a turn for the worse. And because of my dads death I wasn;t in a place to fight my illness so i gave in and put on a lot of weight.
I too know how life can feel so upside down. Lockdown ironically made somethings worse dealing with offices and official type people. However going out was easier because almost everyone was alone and the world was closed. Now it is harder again because people are back in groups of friends and family which is good for them and yes I am glad for them. But I also understand how much it can make you feel how much you have lost.
Dont push your self, do what you need to do and take baby steps. Now that you are allowed meet up with supportive family or friends. Take it slow. As for the weight if you can go for wee walks try though to walk on softer surfaces that tarmac. Tarmac and concrete can be really hard on the feet.
Treat yourself occasionally. This sounds daft but have a date at home with yourself if you can or if you have kids do it with them. Have a dvd night and maybe a takeaway. Btw Sainsbury’s does takeaway hot pizzas for only £1 extra to heat it up. Get a facepack and enjoy yourself a little. You need to tell yourself that its okay to do enjoyable things, things that you would have enjoyed with Jack. Its hard to be happy again and you will never be happy again in the same way but you can be happy again in a different way and that is okay but it does take time. So if you do feel happy at any time then its okay you don’t have to feel guilty for that. Jack would want you to be happy. This sounds daft but I think that if you are happy doing something that you both enjoyed then it will resonate to where jack is and he will feel your happiness and he will feel happy that your are happy.
You may have been at this for a wee while in that its been 2 years but for some people it can take over a decade , everyone has their own timescale with grief. You loved for a very long time and your grief is reflective of your love. So it can take a long time to heal. And with grief you will take many steps forward and many backwards till you find yourself in a place where your grief has healed and you are able to move on with your good memories intact. Take it a day at a time.
Kind regards
Meebee

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CJ13, Jonathan and Pat
It is so nice to hear your voices - I don’t know why I disappeared, I think I just feel tired.
As always this forum helps me so much , because I can talk and you understand what I am saying. I have found that I have been avoiding talking to friends and family about loosing Jack , I really don’t think they can understand or sometimes I feel they feel want to fix me, sometimes I feel they feel hopeless because they

Sending you love
Sadie xx

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