So I havent posted on here in a long time.
Ive been watching this program called “This is Us” which goes through lots of ups and downs of life and grief of losing people close to us. Its sent me down a spiral a few of the episodes as it hits home sooo much at times.
Spoiler, a Father dies and this scene the son is talking to his Neices. He painted a picture and was explaning grief to these young girls. My mum painted and she passed away Nov 2018. My faviourate painting of hers has been in my bedroom since she passed. My brother then passed away June last year 10 days before his 28th birthday in a RTA and it was sudden so at least he wasnt in pain.
I dont know why but i felt the urge to make a video to these words including the picture my mum painted and images of my grandparents and how our life is a story including pics of my mum and brother surrounded by people they loved. Grief is rubbish and I dont know what stage of grief Im at or where Im going with all this but my brothers inquest is in two weeks time. It will be one day away from 9 months on the day of the inquest. Some how this helped me and the series is helping me with grief of my mum I didnt realise I held back for so long.
This is how the character Kevin explained grief.
“Yeah so I painted this because I felt like the play was about life, and life is full of colour, and we each get to come along and add our own colour to the painting, even though its not very big, the painting, you sorta have to figure it goes on forever in each direction, its like to infinity you know cause thats kind of like life, its really crazy if you think about it, isnt it, that 100 years ago some guy that I never met came to this country with a suitcase, he has a son, who has a son, who has me, so at first as I was painting I was thinking maybe up here that was that guys part of the painting and then you know down here thats my part of the painting, then I started to think what if we are all in the painting everywhere, what if we are in the painting before we are born, what if we are in it after we die, and these colours that we keep adding what if they keep getting added on top of one another, until eventually we’re not even different colours anymore, we are just one thing, one painting, I mean my dad is not with us anymore, hes not alive, but hes with us, hes with me every day, it all just sorta fits somehow and even if you dont understand how yet, people will die in our lives, people that we love, in the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe years from now, I mean its kind of beautiful right if you think about it the fact that because somebody dies, just because you cant see them or talk to them anymore, it doesnt mean they are not still in the painting, I think that maybe thats the point of the whole thing, theres no dying, theres no you or me or them, its just us, and this sloppy wild colourful magical thing that has no begining and no end, its right here, I think its us.”
The word are deep and they dont make you feel great, everytime I watch the video I created I ball my eyes out but strangly its comforting too.
To know they will always and I mean always be in the picture. I dont even know why I felt the urge to come on here and type all of this. Maybe its just to get it out my system and maybe its to discuss more of the show. Im just finishing season 3. Tonight there was a part that said we are the big three and will always be the big three talking about siblings. Now I had 3 brothers and now have 2 left. My oldest brother was a bit of a muppet and I didnt speak to him for over 10 years.
My other two brothers it was just us. We were the big three. Since losing the youngest brother I feel like we have lost a major part of us from all this and then my poor dad is going through hell daily and theres not much I can do to help. He needs to grieve in his own way and then who knows what we will find out in the inquest. I dont know what I want from it. I feel like just unbottling my feelings has helped a bit. If anyone reads all this im sorry for bringing you on my rollercoaster but at the same time I hope Kevins description of grief brings you some comfort like it did for me.