Oh Emma I’m so sorry. I hadn’t given a thought to how other families could be perceived while on holiday. It really is true that the first of everything hits hard and raises sadness that we hadn’t planned for. In my experience, the unplanned grief and emptiness has been the hardest and it sounds like that’s what you’ve experienced on holiday. Be proud of yourself for getting through it but it sounds like you need some time to rest, breathe and recalibrate back at home. If home is where you feel comfortable then stay in for a few days. Plug the kids into some electronics if they have them and allow yourself some healing time
I’ve booked a holiday in Great Yarmouth for the last week of the summer holidays. It will have been 8 weeks since James accident when we go and I’m dreading it. However, I am taking my mum with me to change it up. I’m hoping her being there, which wouldn’t normally happen, will help lessen the absence of James for the boys. I’m hoping holidaying with other relatives and friends is easier after a loss I’ll let you know!
It really is early days for both of us we have to remember that. I’m quite an impatient person and a general fixer of things when they go wrong so this is uncharted territory. Stupidly I keep thinking I’ll feel better but I’ve got to learn I’ll just feel different, likely always, which is terrifying. You’re not alone, I’m terrified too.
I’ve found grief is exhausting and a lot like being ill in that you feel slightly stronger so you plan something, then quickly realise it’s too much and set yourself back. Chalk the holiday up to experience my lovely, take a few days to rest and then start again. Sending positive energy your way. X
HI Lia40
I was just thinking that you must be close to your holiday away. I really hope you have a chance to rest and that your mum being there helps. The silver lining to my holiday was that I really appreciated how much sanctuary our house offers and how I still definitely need Steve’s things lying around to give me comfort. I don’t know if you were planning to take something of James’ with you and whether you feel that would be useful but I think having Steve’s hoodie or something like that might have made me feel a little bit more secure.
Anyway, I’m sending you all the best for your break.
Emma X
We go away next week. I’m looking forward to a change of scenery and I’m hopeful my boys might be tired enough to sleep better. Fingers crossed
Your advice on taking a hoodie is really thoughtful, thank you. I hadn’t considered that but I think it will help so I’ll take one with me. I wear his slippers all the time at home
This week has been rough, I collected James ashes yesterday so I had that looming over me and I was not prepared for how hard it would hit me. I went right back to my emotions in the early days and was sobbing uncontrollably. Not having his ashes helped me pretend he was just away at work but picking up something tangible made it all real and it hit me even harder that he’s really not coming back. I knew that already, obviously but his ashes made it more real.
You sound as if you’ve found comfort being back at home following your break, I think that’s wonderful. I’ve read stories of people not wanting to be at home, but like you, I know my house brings me peace
Not long now and the kids will be going back to school. I’m looking forward to having some time alone in the house but apprehensive we’ve got to tackle school and routine without him. Anyway, I hope you manage to find some moments of joy with your kids before the madness of school kicks in again xx
Hi Lia 40
I hope your holiday goes well.
Have you decided what to do with James’ ashes? I know exactly what you mean about collecting them making it all too real.
Emma xx
We managed a holiday and got through it. It wasn’t always easy but we did have moments of genuine joy. Mainly when I was watching the children enjoy the activities I booked for them. It definitely helped going with my mum. When I couldn’t cope or was struggling she stepped in and took over and kept me occupied.
I hope the back to school process goes smoothly and the kids settle back into routine without to much stress. Xx
Hi Lia40
I’ve not been on here for ages - I’ve been doing that thing where I keep ridiculously busy so that I don’t have opportunity to think -anyway I thought about you today and wondered how things are going for you.
It’s nearly six months along the line for me and today I’ve made myself write down a timeline of the events surrounding Steve’s accident (on the advice of a counsellor) so that I can try to process it. I wondered if you have found any advice helpful? I still can’t comprehend that it is real. I mean I do know that it is, but I also don’t feel that it can be.
Hello Emma112,
I’m also around the six-month stage and understand what you mean about trying to believe what has actually happened. I spend most of every day trying to make sense of it. It’s such a painful process - almost like receiving the same dreadful news over and over again. I sometimes wonder if it’s still the shock causing this, but I would’ve thought that by now I’d be past that stage.
Best wishes,
So lovely to hear from you. You did make me laugh about keeping busy, I’ve done exactly the same. I’m more busy now than I was when I was working full time. It helps pass the time doesn’t it? I have vowed to slow down after October half term, I think I need to actually sit in my grief rather than run away from it. It’s the 4 month mark for us. I keep expecting to wake up feeling better but I doubt that will ever come.
I haven’t sought advice from a counsellor yet. I’ve been putting it off, not sure why. Perhaps it’s denial that I’ll be able to figure it all out in my head in time without the need for professional help. I’ve vowed to reevaluate things in the new year and consider speaking to someone. I still cry, a lot! I feel like I’m carrying a huge weight around with me all the time. My boys are back in school, they have been since the new year, and have managed amazingly well. How are your kids doing this term? My eldest takes his GCSE’s next year. It’s a worry but he seems to be managing his work load well so far. Have you considered the dreaded Christmas holiday period yet? It’s fast approaching and I’ve avoided the topic so far but know I need to start making plans. Xx
Yes, my eldest also takes her GCSE’s next May and is currently doing her mocks. I find it hard that her weakest areas were Steve’s strengths so last night I found myself trying to talk her through some physics revision questions knowing that Steve would have been in his element….I was most definitely not!
I’ve been thinking through Christmas for a while. I’ve been talking through which of our family traditions the kids want to keep and which will be too painful. I’ve pin pointed that Christmas eve will possibly be my hardest point. Steve was always up late cooking and we were sneaking around being Santa. I spoke about it with a friend today and she suggested that we invent some new traditions. I’m thinking I will buy the kids a gift from Steve -like new PJs for us to open on Christmas Eve and then we will snuggle up and watch a film together. Isn’t it unbearable that as it’s getting towards cosy season the person that you want to cosy up with isn’t there?
I’m hoping that some work with a counsellor will help me process what has happened -I still have this strong sense that it can’t be true. I also am waiting to feel like Steve is with me -I’m not getting that and I feel very alone even though I am surrounded by lovely friends and family trying to help. I just want him. I have seriously considered seeing a medium -the old me would be horrified by this and I know that Steve would think I’d gone mad but I really would try anything if there was a chance that I might get a message from him. I totally get the weight that you are talking about. Someone at school was talking about support for single parent families and it came as such a shock that they were talking to me.
It sounds like you have resilient children too -mine are definitely what keep me going….we’re also enjoying the distraction of celebrity Traitors!
I’ve been told to look for the smallest of joys. Hope you are finding some too.
I’ll let you know!
but his ashes made it more real.