Thoughts on socialising.

Sheila ,
I agree with everything you say, it’s exactly how I feel, can’t be bothered with anyone, fed up with putting on a brave face, just trying to get through each day x

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Hello everyone who has replied on my thread.
Thank you all very much. I was really thinking what an awful and weird person I was to feel relief that I could finally be on my own after losing David almost a year ago. No trying to be sociable as it is not happening just now. I would have loved David to be here physically to talk about what’s going on, but in the meantime I just talk away to him and feel comfortable with that.
Another interesting facet of this being alone is how lots of small, significant memories keep popping into my head. They sometimes make me smile, sometimes I cry, sometimes I do both at once!!! I worried so much at first, and was frightened, that I had forgotten lots of things about our life together but now I seem to be having lots of things , sayings and memories popping into my mind very frequently. Time now to really grieve?
I know this has been a very difficult time for many people walking this journey and who are not feeling the same sense of having their loved one so close. Please accept a big hug from me. We are doing our very best one day, or hour, at a time to keep going, on this painful, lonely journey and trying to do it the best way we can.
I wish you all g.oodnight

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Oh Sheila,you put into words so beautifully what many of us(certainly me) are feeling.Thankyou,sending you and everyone much love and peace,Corinna xx

What a comfort it is to me too,I thought I was weird feeling more peaceful than I’ve done since Roy’s gone.At last…people who understand! Love and hugs all ,Corinna xx

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Thank you Corinna, that means such a lot.
Each time I see your name I think of the song that was one of our favourites sung by Ray Peterson. Corinna, Corinna, I have sent you a link.


Please take care and stay safe.
Love
Sheila.x

Hi Corinna, I am also in the club of the people not really bothered about this lockdown and coming to the conclusion that I am not particularly interested about things going back to ‘normal’.
As long as I have my dogs to walk and I am still growing my veg and fruit I am perfectly happy.
I have actually found it has helped me as I have re-discovered a love for our garden. Last summer I had no interest. We had worked together out there so many times. I couldn’t sit on the patio. This was the last place we sat outside. All too many memories of happier days. I have always wanted to move from this town which was Brian’s birthplace but staying here for months has made me look at it with a difference. I have noticed the people that wave and speak to me when I am out with the dogs, Something I never noticed before. I have grown to love my garden again and giving the shrubs some tender loving care. My home has become the place I feel safe and like being. So for me the lockdown has not been all bad it has taught me what is important. However I have also noticed that I don’t want to go out of my comfort zone where I feel safe. I don’t want to go to a supermarket or into town anymore. Have we been brainwashed.
Pat xx

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Dear Pat,
Forgive me for butting into your conversation but I agree with everything you have said. Before this pandemic, it was all about being told by our sons, you should do this mum, you should go there mum and to be truthful I used to lie and tell the boys that I had been here and there when I hadn’t as they used to make me feel guilty for not wanting to do things on my own anymore. They could not get it into their heads that I didn’t want to do things on my own anymore and no amount of going here, there and everywhere would make me happy again because it wouldn’t.
That is why I am like you now, spending time in the garden, reading, watching films with no-one nattering and telling me what is best for me. For the first time since Peter died nearly six years ago, I am not under any pressure to do what other people think I should be doing. I love the peace and tranquility of my own space whether in our garden or in our home because it still is our home and always will be. I am free to think about Peter, free to listen to our songs and free to spend time in the past with my memories without having to go here and there just to make someone else happy.
We are in for a lovely week so I will be planting some bedding plants and trimming the hedges which are now full of flowers and just remembering happier times when we would do it all together.
Love to all.
Sheila.x

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Hi ,
I think that is the thing, pleasing everyone else as they think they know what’s best for you . Before the lockdown I felt pressured into doing things and going places as was told it’s good for me .
But the lockdown has given me time to myself to be able to try and think what’s best for me , and that is to do what I want to do without pressure.
If I want to just stay at home with my memories, then I will.
I haven’t got the energy to please others. So when the lockdown is over I’m not going to be forced into doing things that ‘ is best for me ‘ x

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Hainey
So glad to read your words. To know its possible to feel some peace. I am hoping the anti depressants kick in but find things are hard as ever. Your words will give hope to a lot of people. XxPam

It’s so good to read that we are feeling less pressurised to do what others expect us to do. I know it is well intentioned and I appreciate the calls and messages during lockdown but I can just be who I want to be in my grief. It’s mental health week and we are being told to talk and share…well this site is the best way to talk and share because everyone here knows what it’s like to be totally devastated. The best friend in the world cannot understand your grief if they haven’t experienced a similar experience.
Thank you everyone xx

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I don’t think people realise, when we lose our soulmates, just how much we need to be alone to come to terms with what has happened. There are so many people, popping in to see you to pay their respects and you have to ensure you are looking your best, hair done, makeup on, dressed in nice clothes when actually, all you want to do us be wearing your nightclothes and not be bothered how you look. After Peter died, all I wanted to do was curl up in bed and cry but there was the never ending ring of the door bell, someone with flowers and a card in their hand, expecting to be asked into your home. Funeral directors coming to see me before I had even the chance to take in what had happened, asking me to choose his coffin, then the vicar turned up wanting me to tell him stories about how Peter and I met and other things about my husband and what music I wanted to play at his funeral. All I know now is that nearly six years later there are things I would have done differently if only I had been given the time. Then after Peter’s funeral, the never ending paperwork started, this bank that bank, savings accounts, changing the names on bills, it never ended.
Like I have said, it has taken this pandemic to give me some peace from everyone’s interference. It is a sad state of affairs when people think that you will feel much better if you joined a club, joined a walking group, take dancing, flower arranging classes, of course I didn’t feel better, I felt worse because I had never had to join a club before, why should I have, I had my husband and we were enough for each other, doing things together.
Even now, after all this time on my own, and because Peter will never come back, I prefer my own company. Before Peter became ill, we went everywhere together, holidays all over the world, days out and just sitting together, reading our books, watching TV or playing our music but after he died they didn’t matter anymore, it took me four years to even be able to pick up a book and get beyond the first page because I could not concentrate on what I was reading, even now, I can read a few pages then get fed up, I seem to have developed a short attention span. I can watch a film on TV, watch it for 30 minutes, get fed up and do something else, then go back to it later. I can do what I want without people making me feel guilty for not going out every day, telling me I need to get Vitamin D in my body, I need to go for walk, I got all the exercise I needed in my garden or taking our then German Shepherd dog for a walk who died three years after Peter.
I found out in these last 12 months, I no longer have much patience with interfering people, even our sons have said that their dad would not recognise me now, I have changed so much and have a lot to say for myself. Whereas after their dad died, our sons thought they knew best and would boss me around and give me orders about where to go and what to do, they now see a different side of me and the funny thing is, that happened to my mother too, she was an unassuming little lady who would not say boo to a goose but when dad died, my goodness how she changed, she became independent like myself. I think we got so used to being the other half of someone that we forgot what it was like to be a person in our own right who could make our own decisions instead of discussing it first with our husbands.
It took me quite a long time to be able to do things without first thinking, I hope Peter likes it, now I do it because I like it. But I would give anything for a time machine, to go back to 1964, the day I met my Peter and do it all over again.
Love to all.
Sheila.x

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Sheila,
Everything you have said is everything I feel, I’m not a person that joins clubs just to fill my time, I never was with Tim here so why would I now.
We haven’t chose this life that has been thrown at us, we want our old life back, to spend with our soulmates, enjoying each other’s company, doing things that we wanted to do like just sit in the garden laughing and chatting till the cows came home.
I know if I tried to push myself into clubs, it would push be back in my grief as it reminds me I am on my own now.
I always get questioned am I going to move, no I’m not I’m lucky enough not to have to move so I will stay here in our house till my time comes, ppl keep saying it’s only bricks and mortar, well no it’s full of memories and we chose this house together when the kids were young, to move would finish me off I think .
I’m quite happy like you to fill my time doing my jobs in the house, surrounded by memories and talking to Tim, if others think I’m mad then so be it, there’s one thing I’ve learned from losing Tim is to not please others do what we want to do and if they don’t like it tough.
I have changed like you, we have to become stronger and do and decide stuff on our own, not to have that back up anymore is tough , and scary.
I wish I had a time machine too, 1986 please.
Xx

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I agree, Sheila, at the start we are overwhelmed by all the arrangements with so little time to arrange what must be arranged. This sounds rather garbled I am sure that all of you will understand what I am trying to say.
Take care, my friends and please stay safe. x

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Dear Stephtim,
Peter carried me over the threshold after we came back from our honeymoon in the Lake District and there are so many memories in these bricks and mortar that I would honestly stay here until the day I died. The problem was, when all the storms hit us at the beginning of the year there was so much damage but when I made a claim on my insurance it took weeks and weeks until I found out that they had never processed my claim and by the time the assessor had been and stated that I could not claim as it was down to wear and tear they had decided they would not be paying out. Then virus hit us and I could not get anyone to do repairs for me. I managed to get compensation for the disgusting way my claim was handled so it was something. Just recently our son has been and repaired all the damage (keeping a safe distance from me) and my home is now in pristine condition once again, but when all the damage was staring me in the face I thought there is no way I can go through this again next year and was definitely thinking of downsizing.
I have a massive garden surrounded by flowering 8 ft/10ft hedges and they are beautiful and due to the virus our other son has been coming once a fortnight to cut them for me and it has made him realise just how hard work it is for someone of his age, 50 never mind someone my age,nearly 80 so he has promised to come every so often and do them for me until my gardener starts to come again. I don’t see why gardeners cannot work outside on their own, but he is being paid furlough money so has said he cannot claim furlough money and work as well so he would rather stay at home and get paid for doing nothing.
Anyway, I am now going to sit outside and have lunch on my garden swing and read a book, knowing me I will read the first few pages and then get fed up.
Love
Sheila.x

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Dear Mary,
Stay safe today my love and don’t get caught in the sun as it is very hot, I was out this morning tidying up the garden whilst it was cooler and came across a stray Labrador dog, I managed to get hold of him and found his dog tag with his owners phone number on it. I took him into my garden until the owner turned up, he threw me the lead and I fastened it on, opened the garden gate and gave him back to his owner, he had escaped from his owners garden.
My good deed for the day.
Love
Sheila.x

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Sheila,
I do admire you on how determined you are, you’ve had a lot to deal with on your house, what with the storm damage, luckily you got Compensation, good for you. It is hard to deal with the upkeep of our homes, especially if it’s big with big gardens, the thought of it can make us think how on earth are we going to do it on our own, but you have proved with determination and love for your husband and Love for your beautiful home, it can be done . With a little help from your lovely son’s.
We feel safe in our homes and trying to keep it looking nice it feels we are doing it for our lovely husbands. I’ve got a four bed house which I know is big for me and my daughter, but when me and Tim bought it, we loved the house all our girls had their own rooms and it was so full of love and laughter.
We had no plans to move, I’ve only got one daughter at home now, the spare rooms are for the grandkids when they come to stay, so that was our plan and it still is , I’ll shall stay and with determination like you will do my best to look after it for Tim .
Enjoy a couple of pages of your book and your lovely garden
Steph xx

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Can I book a room please :grin: :rofl:

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Of course madam :joy::joy::joy:

I am thinking that we should all be proud of ourselves. No moaning from us about the lockdown as it is teaching us something about ourselves perhaps for the first time since we lost our loved ones.
I think I have been lucky to a certain extent as my family have never pressured me to do anything. I don’t think they dared!!! I don’t think my two children were really bothered one way or the other but the supportive family members have been just that, supportive. But I have had suggestions like volunteering in a charity shop to give me something to do???. This did make me smile as the first months, as Sheila so rightly says is a mindfield of sorting out things, dealing with brain dead people on the other end of the line. Constant phone calls, e-mails and sending things off in the post. I had his shed, loft and other things to make some sense of and endless visits to the tip (from the shed and loft)
Join groups and clubs. Not for me I’m afraid and I knew I would do things in my own time. I did join a dance class after a year but that’s fine as I love to dance. I did meet up with a few nice people but doubt we will continue meeting after we go back to normal.
I was a member of the Ramblers, just as Brian had been but found that large groups wasn’t for me at that time and I preferred to walk alone, which has helped me and still does. I was a member of an Allotment Association and managed to continued to grow veg and fruit on both our allotments (allowed to keep Brian’s plot as well as my own) but I couldn’t join in with group or social activities even with these friends for the first year.
I was always amazed when members of this forum were able to immediately meet up with friends and have a social life. I asked myself if there was something wrong with me but I know that we will do what we feel happy doing and what is right for us when we are ready and being pushed is not the way. We are all finding our way and possibly learning things about ourselves. So good on you…

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Dear Steph,
I was sitting in the garden after lunch, trying to read my book but my mind was away with the fairies again remembering all the times we played with our young children, the dogs and watching Peter fix the boys bikes or their go-carts. I came inside and went to bed for an hour. I am now playing our music whilst reading all the comments on the forum.
I will await for it to get cooler and then water all the plants and bushes, I think it will be bout 8 ish before it gets really cool again. All I can hear are people and children in every single garden in the street laughing and playing out, parents spending time with their children whereas if it was a normal day they would be at school or working, I wonder if this pandemic will give families a few memories that they would never have had if things had been normal.
In our day, Peter never worked away, he was home every night and at weekends unless he was on call-out for emergencies, our sons, never knew what it was like not to have meals with their parents, all sat around the table discussing what we had been doing during the day.
Love
Sheila

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