Three years ago I lost my mum to cancer. She was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in February 2014 but they found it too late and it had already spread to her lungs, liver and bones. Mum passed away at the beginning of may that year aged 47, three weeks before my 21st birthday. I felt like ever since then I’d been coping quite well with the loss, my life has changed a lot since then I moved out of my family home, changed jobs and recently brought a house with my girlfriend. I’ve also lost other family since, my Grandad and grandmother both died of cancer last year. I’ve had a really tough time but I felt like id moved through it all. My relationship with my girlfriend has recently ended and had been strained for a long time. My girlfriend says I’ve been distant for a long time and I’m unable to connect emotionally, and I think she’s probably right. Now I’ve got some space to think I feel very lost, and I feel like I’ve lost my connection to people around me. I’ve never really spoken to anyone about what happened when my mum had cancer or the loss of my grandparents. I feel like it’s been so long now I don’t really remember most of what happened but I miss my mum more than ever. I tend not too think too much about the past, I’m just worried that I haven’t actually grieved properly I’ve just been running away from it all and now I’m scared that I’m going to have to drag up all the horror of what happened in order to move on. I just don’t know where to start when I go blank thinking about her.
Hi and welcome to the Sue Ryder Online Community. I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost your mum and your grandparents, and that your relationship has also ended. You have been through such a lot of loss in the last few years.
I’m sorry to hear also that you feel you haven’t been able to grieve properly - it sounds as though that has really had a difficult impact on your life. Even though it feels scary, it is not to late to get some support. I’m glad that you’ve found this site and have taken the first step by writing down some of what happened.
While you wait for some more replies to your post, you might also like to read and reply to some other posts from people with similar experiences.
Jetsmum lost her mum two years ago: https://support.sueryder.org/community/life-after-bereavement/second-anniversary-losing-my-mum
Laurenamy also split up with her husband after a bereavement: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/numb-depression
Have you considered having any counselling or one-to-one support? Some people find this a really helpful way to let those difficult feelings out and start processing what happened to them. If you don’t know where to start, then perhaps a trained, neutral person would be able to ask some useful questions to help you explore things.
Your GP could refer you to counselling, or you can speak to a trained bereavement support volunteer through Cruse Bereavement.
Thank you for you advice and sympathy. I have considered getting some counselling but have never really got round to it. I think I’ve been trying to hold things together to keep going and try to keep my partner happy by not showing that im finding it difficult to cope. Now that the relationship is seemly over it’s almost like I have freedom to be sad without feeling guilty for upsetting someone by them seeing me be upset.