Time and I wish...

I lost my mum very suddenly last year Easter Monday. She was only 69. It’s been very hard for me I know there’s no time limit on grieving but I’m sure time’s not healing my wound. The more time goes by the more regrets I have. I wish I would have hugged her longer the last time I saw her, I wish I would have answered the phone every time she rang and I was to busy, I wish I could just talk to her about my day and worries the list is endless. I think for now all I can do is wishing for time to hurry up and stop my heart and soul from aching.

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Hi Silke. Many of us all feel like this on occasions. We could have done more etc. But what you did at the time was what seemed right at the time. How can we know what will happen? You may think it was not enough,but whose to say?
Guilt can come up years after the event. We flog ourselves unnecessarily. I know whatever things we think we may have done or not done is forgiven. I look back, which is not a good thing to do, and realise, yes, I could have done better. My school reports used to say, ‘he could have done better if he tried’!
But dealing with illness and death is not easy, and to be rational and logical is impossible when you are so close to someone.
Your heart and soul may continue to ache for a while. But try and understand that you are human with all the faults and failings us humans have. No one is perfect.
Please try and keep good memories in your hart. Time may help, yes. But the understanding that where our loved ones are there are no grudges. All is forgiven because love pervades all. Take care.

Jonathan, thank you so much for you kind and wise words. I think we are hardest on ourselves and that is definitely something I need to work on…to be kind to myself and to forgive myself. I will carry her in my heart and soul until I take my last breath. Thank you again and take care.

Jonathan such lovely words. You really helped me the other day when I posted and I keep re reading it. I carry so much guilt and regret. “Oh that time I was moody”. Or when I was tired and a bit snappy. When I moaned that they didn’t visit me enough. Which I actually did struggle with. Mum was a homebody. But I loved her and wanted to see her all the time. So not necessarily a bad moan on my part. But I still regret the moaning. But we are only human. All flawed. We are not saints who act perfectly 100% of the time. That’s impossible. And we always show our worse sides to those we love. Because if you can’t be yourself with loved ones who can you

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Hi all,

I feel exactly the same. I feel like I was always moaning at my mum, little things that used to annoy me I wouldn’t bat an eyelid if I could have her back.
But I also know that she knew I loved her enormously and we had the type of relationship where we were arguing one minute and laughing together over a glass of wine the next.
This whole grief thing is so awful. I’ve spent 3 months beating myself up since mum died suddenly of a brain hemorrhage.
It was such a shock. Mum was so strong, she never even caught a common cold. I remember banging my head on the garden shed the week before she died and she held a cold compress to my head like I was a little girl. I’m 48 and mum was 74.
I miss that so much. I spend each day feeling sick because I miss her so so much.
I enjoy nothing anymore. Cant stand tv or the radio, dont enjoy food anymore and spend my time wondering how I missed signs that she was so close to dying.
Like everyone on this forum, I just have to get on with it and hope that time eventually restores life back into me.
We must all try not to look back and feel guilty. Life isn’t like that and we all had lives to lead. Work, children etc all get in the way.
Thinking of you all x

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It sounds like you had a lovely relationship with your mum. I think one of the things I find weird is that I’m nobody’s daughter anymore and I miss saying the word Mama. There are just so many things to get used to. So sending sunshine and light x

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Hi Silke,

Me too.
My dad died 21 years ago so I’m an adult orphan like you.
Its awful and really makes you think of your own mortality which doesnt really bother people when they have a parent around.
I honestly thought my mum would live till 91 like her mum.its been such a shock.
Thinking of you x

Such an awful feeling is this loss and guilt. I cried for hours last night because I was not myself last year and occasionally I was short tempered. My daughter was badly bullied and we had to move away it was a terrible year. And I just worry that I took it out on them. Even though I know I wasn’t that bad. As I always tried to keep it to myself I still feel guilty.

Joules,

I have been short tempered too as I am so angry that my mum has been taken from us.im angry with her for not seeking help even though she thought she may have had a stroke. I’m angry that she didnt look after herself better when she knew she had daughters and grandchildren that would be lost without her.
I think anger and frustration are just another stand of grief along with sadness, denial, isolation and all the other feelings we have been going through.
Our mums knew we loved them and our children know we love them too.
I feel we should start being kinder to ourselves,although I’m not sure im ready yet to do so. If you told me 4 months ago that my mum was in the last 2 weeks of her life I would have laughed at you. She was doing all the garden plants and putting decorative stones down in the garden and collecting my daughter and taking her to McDonalds the weekend of her stroke. It just feels truly unbelievable.

It’s just the suddenness of it all. My mum has a bad back for 4 months and I nagged her to go to the drs eventually she did. X-ray was clear just showed a chest infection as she had a terrible cough. She collapsed two days after results of X-ray. She was in hospital 4 days when they diagnosed lung cancer. She died two days later. None of it makes sense.

I keep thinking for all the times I was short tempered with her or dad I was a million times lovely to them. Telling them I love them. Taking them out. Having them over for lunch and a gossip. I’m trying to be kinder to myself and focus on the positives and the good times. Of which there were so many. But my guilt eats at me for the few times when I wasn’t perfect. I hope it fades. Because it’s killing me

Hi joules

I completely agree. It’s easy for me to give advice but I’m not taking my own advice either!
We are looking for answers that we will never have answers to. On the morning of my mums stroke I could see there was something wrong. She kept dropping everything she picked up and her left arm was hanging by her side. I begged her to get some help but she told me to stop treating her like a baby and convinced me she was having a bad day with her arthritis.
I get so angry with myself that I accepted this and I even stormed out of the house and went to work. I think if we had got her to hospital that morning, would her brain hemorrhage have happened?
I get angry with her especially as she admitted to me the night before her death that she knew she had a stroke!
I wanted to ask her why she did nothing about it but I didn’t want to stress her out as she was at the hospital the following day to have the operation that she never woke up from.
So many questions,no chance of answers.
In your mums case, she sought the help but the xrays were clear. What more could you all do if the medical professionals didnt see her illness?

A lot of parents are so stubborn. All we can do is advise them. But they are their own person. Mum died 4 weeks ago it seems
Impossible that 6 weeks ago we were discussing Xmas. I can’t even think about Xmas now. Realistically mum was better off not knowing she had such an aggressive terminal cancer. Apart from the bad back. She was doing ok. She was only truly ill for a month. The dr said she probably kept a lot of symptoms to herself which is why the drs never ordered more tests and accepted the X-ray results. So frustrating. I got cross with her too when she wouldn’t go to the drs. It’s only because we love and care. And they knew that.

Completely agree with you. Our mums were so stubborn and we cant be to blame for that.
When mums post mortem result came through, her insides were a mess. Her heart was enlarged, all the arteries severely blocked and evidence of one historic heart attack. Mum had no idea of any of this and I wonder how? Why didnt she tell a doctor?
My partner has no idea how she was so highly functional whilst being so unwell.
I am very grateful that mum knew nothing other than the blocked artery that caused her mini stroke 11 days before her death. She was so positive when she went into hospital to have the blockage cleared and had she known about her heart problems I believe she would have given up and be so depressed.
I feel sick that she never got to recover from the procedure as ironically life was going to get better but then I recall the PM and realise that she was probably heading for a massive heart attack imminently.
We can learn from their stubbornness and make sure we look after ourselves x

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