Time - Why is it so different now she's gone?

I don’t understand…
My gorgeous girl, soul mate, my being, my reason for existing, passed in May.
Apparently I’m still in shock, as I looked after her in every way for 3 years through 40 chemo cycles, numerous A&E admissions, spent the last 5 months at her bedside 24/7 in the hospice - and the last 10 days were beyond description. The last 10 minutes was yesterday playing over and over in my mind - and apparently I’m suffering PTSD (I argued with the psychiatrist about that, although I get that it was intense), as he says because I have bottled everything up and now can’t let go. And OK I get it was stressful, but I never wanted to be anywhere else except by her side. Don’t they understand that? I’m having help, sneakily arranged by my darling Sharon before she went, as she knew I didn’t intend to continue, and unfortunately my NHS record has been marked up with that.
So, I get I’m struggling…
BUT… what I don’t understand is this: looking back at the 45 years with my darling, seems like a split second, a film I’m remembering, a dream, something unreal - I just can’t focus on it. But now every second drags. Why is time so different? Did I really have that time with my darling Sharon, or wasnt it real? Why does time now pass so slowly, and why can’t I look back at all those years and happy times, when now all is just desolation, fear, and no hope?
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense? I’m desperately trying to find an answer, but I’m not sure I know the correct question? Sorry, confused…

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Hi the only thing I can think of is how trauma affects the brain. A part of it called the hippocampus shrinks this processes memories. So the are there but hidden away if that makes sense. If you look at images of depressed people’s brains. In a FRMI scanner they are totally different to a normal persons.

When your in survival mode your brain works different it shuts down. In a way and a small part of it works, That may maybe why you can’t recall the happy memories.

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Good Morning Dennis

I lost my wife of 33 years in May also. I am certainly not a psychiatrist, so even if you could find the right questions to ask I’m not sure I could even attempt to answer them.

A think a lot of us on this forum are asking questions though: Why me? Why do I feel this way? Will it get better? How do I face a future without my partner? and a whole lot more.

I’m in Lightwater. so not far from you, if you want to drop by for a coffee some time you would be most welcome. Apart from my very missed wife, my other passions is cars, just be warned!

Andrew

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Denis, I know what its like. You were so fortunate to have been with Sharon for those 45 years.

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DennisS
I was meant to go out with friend today a first but she called me as she is poorly but I decided to go on my own on the bus to our sea front. It was so lonely and the tears where never far away on the way home memories of my partner ringing me and asking if I would be home soon which he always did if I went on my own anywhere. I get home and the tears have not stopped how many more days do I sit here with nothing to do or see or speak to anyone. I do not want to go on like this it is just existing we had such a good working life together now all gone.
Jessica

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Hi @Jessica1231 have you thought about counselling they do have it here
here is the link https://www.sueryder.org/online-bereavement-counselling or you could try Cruse https://www.cruse.org.uk

I see on your profile that you have help from mental health nurses too. It sounds like your in a lot of distress. Being alone is so hard it’s not a great place to be.

I know that myself I’m struggling each day is a huge effort. My heart goes out to you and I hope you get the help and support you need.

Try to reinvent and create a new life for yourself. It won’t be easy.

I have tried to get through on this link but it will not let me. I am really struggling to have to sit here every day with no communication from the outside world. I was in a really busy life but when my partner died my life went with him.
Jessica

Time does a number on every human. and every human will feel like you one day. loss is an equal opportunity event.

I could not wait to leave my parents home. Now? ALL that I want is to go back. I was there so long and now it disappeared into thin air.

we are victims of Time Space. grief really sends us hurtling into the middle of it.

we are not intelligent enough to know how to handle these major physical events. i.e., the Universe.

best advice: go easy on yourself. someone said: ours is not to question why.

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jo@samaritans.org is a wonderful resource. your British service.

they write back within 24 hours and are full of sympathy and kindness.

they also ask you questions about yourself so that there is real engagement.

@Andrew7 Yes, agreed. I’m aware that I have the “why me?” question bubbling under, but to be frank I deliberately keep it suppressed at the moment because I’m aware I can’t even begin to face the unfairness of why my gorgeous, loving, most beautiful person on the planet was ended against her will despite how she refused to surrender (none of the doctors could understand it, but she chose her own timing near the end, to protect those she loved, particularly me) - and why am I being left behind to be subject to such daily torture.
At the moment I’m still unable to face much having forced down all sorrow and anger for 3 years… but I guess maybe one day I’ll get there. I note your comment about being geographically close (I’m actually on the Surrey Hills) , and yes, perhaps a coffee would work - I’ll pm you…

@Ed9 Yes, interesting you say about the 45 years together. I’m trying to make a list of the positive things, and the first is: “you were with the most beautiful, loving, sexiest, funniest, strongest girl on the planet almost all your life - way out of your league and she loved and adored you to the end”. But I can’t focus on those years, it’s almost like it was a dream, not real.
This morning, as I write this, I’m watching the Sun rise over the sea (am in Crete, arranging lawyers POA to sell our holiday house here), and all I can hear in my head is that 50s ballad called: “why does the Sun keep on rising, why does the Moon keep on shining” which I heard yesterday and keeps going round in my head.

@Jessica1231 I often see your comments, and understand you talk about not wanting to be here. I totally and utterly understand (I was driving over the mountains of Crete on Weds, 180 degree hairpin bends on deserted narrow roads, nothing between the car and 1000’ drop, and - aware of the empty seat beside me where my soul mate will never be again - I did have a “moment” for a brief second or two; but I suppressed it and pulled over. To be frank, personally I know I need to sort some things out for my sons, then see if they involve me in their lives, or if I have life, or if the pain becomes bearable - but then just see what happens. I’m seeing a psychiatrist, will go to counselling when I’m back, but no idea what will play out, but no doubt I’ll simply decide one day what my life looks like.
BUT I can only repeat what others say, IF YOU ARE SERIOUSLY LOOKING AT ENDING IT NOW, pick up the phone to the Samaritans and talk to them. That is what they are for…

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Hi @Jessica1231, I’m sorry you’re having trouble with the link - I’ve sent you a PM to see if I can help you with that. I’m really glad to see the support you are giving each other on this thread but as @DennisS says, if things get too much, please do reach out to someone; you can speak to your mental health or explore one of the options here.

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I am so sorry for your loss and the pain you are in.

I lost my Mum in March and we were joined at the hip, my best friend. She was 70 and I can’t comprehend a future without her in it and I totally understand what you mean about time.

In fact before she died (which was sudden and unexpected) she spoke more and more about her brother who had taken his own life in 1991. She was missing him more and more, and she once said ‘Uncle David was real wasn’t he? He did exist didn’t he?’ I was talking to some from friends from here about how looking back at the past feels like watching a scene from a film, and one day this time will feel like that. It’s a strange and surreal feeling. I have had a bad day today, lots of tears and pain in thinking that’s what I have now. I found a photo on a sim card and I didn’t know we had together and the pain of thinking that’s it now - no more new memories etc. Did it really happen and why can’t just have one more minute (though we know we would always want ‘one more’)

At times time just drags, at others it has disappeared.

The more you love, the harder you grieve - let the grief happen and take all the support you can, including here.

Beki x

@berit but that quote was actually from Alfred Lord Tennyson’ s Charge of the Light Brigade: “ours as not to reason why, ours is but to do or die”…
But, is you havent lost your spouse, soul mate, reason to live - you can’t understand; and Tennyson hadn’t…

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I’m with you on that, I lost my love 14 months ago and think about her every single day. I also suffer from a recurring nightmare where I’m in a strange town searching for her, often I come across pets we loved that have passed. I’m sure the anxiety and panic attacks I get are also a result of PTSD. 14 months on and I’m still getting these things! I wonder if they will ever cease!

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one day they will …

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I think I’m going through a similar situation to you. I lost Jax (Jackie) on may 12th , we were together 41yrs since we were teenagers. Our son Dan is autistic and Mum was everything to him. He’s 28 but ask’s constantly (where’s Jackie) we both explained to him that mum had a nasty ouch called cancer and she was going to die like nana and others. I’m struggling to grieve none of our friends call anymore. Were they only there because she was so fabulous.
Everyone has always told me that I’m boring. But maybe now I’m even worse, I don’t have my best friend anymore.
I hope you get the proper help you need.
You’ll never forget the good times you had together, but they might take a bit longer to come back due to your grief.

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Hi . I also was with my hubby from being teenagers . He died of cancer 10 months ago . I don’t know any other life than being with him . He was my best friend . My only friend . We were always enough for each other so after our kids came along we didn’t bother with friends . It is so hard now . I feel for you and your son . It must be so difficult without your wife . And with out the help and support of your friends. . Keep posting on this site as I found it does help . Everyone is kind and understands what you are going through . So sorry for your loss xtake care x

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