Linda21
The worst part of bereavement is how the world treats you and how quickly friends and relatives stop talking about your loved one. Seems to be common pattern. Just when you need support most. Sadly people live their own lives and they are the ones who ‘move on’.
I have found a few friends who are in the same position and we swap news of how we are keeping. Great help.
To my surprise it is difficult to find support groups which might provide similar support. There are plenty counsellors out there but they can only go so far. Try and find one or two supporting friends. Fighting it on your own is so painful.
Don’t feel you have no right to feel sorry for yourself.
Big hug from us all.
Bill1
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Dear Bill
You sum the reality of it really well. It is others that move on and for the majority - my personal experience - I am not worth speaking to unless I can share their happy positive view on everything. Have two brothers-in-law one posts pictures of my husband and although it makes me cry I know he has not been forgotten. The other has not even spoken his brothers name since the funeral and randoming bothers to get in touch.
Hi all, thank you so much for all of your replies. I can’t begin to describe how much your care and support means to me. Knowing that I’m not alone in this is helping a lot. Had an early support counselling session with Cruse yesterday which I think has helped. They basically reiterated everything you’ve all been saying and ultimately I need to “cut myself some slack” and not worry about other people so much. Left feeling wrung out the rest of the day but something must have sunk in as managed to be very straight with bosses today after being told we’re back in the office full time from next week. Explained I can’t do it just now with the way things are at home, both kids are struggling and need me here. Whatever I said it worked and my return is on hold, still working from home. And I think this is the first day for weeks when I’ve mentioned John and not apologised. Must be taking strength from all of you! Hugs to everyone Lx
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Well done Linda
Sadie xx
Hi Linda, I am so sorry you are struggling with this, I am also struggling with the same amongst everything else, i lost Mike nearly 6 months ago now suddenly at 57 years of age, i now find myself trying to keep my emotions to myself and put a facade on when with family and friends as i feel they do not want to listen to me anymore, I also get the feeling they are thinking I should be getting over the grief by now. Unfortunately until they lose someone so close they will not understand how traumatising it is. I want to scream and shout how I feel but feel they would think j am attention seeking, it is good to talk and I am so grateful for this site. It is the same for me that I dont get messages or calls anymore, I know people have their own lives to lead but I do feel so alone, please do what you feel you need to do and do not worry about what others are thinking you need to grieve the best way for yourself. X
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Dear Louvb. Thanks for your reply, we’re going to Cornwall in July for a holiday we should have had last year but postponed it because Mark was shielding. I get what you mean by carrying on with our plans, I do feel like I need something different, but I don’t think I can leave our house now, maybe sometime in the future, but most his belongings are still here, and a lot of memories, we’ve lived here for 23 years, kids grew up here etc. I am going to look at changing my job after we’ve had the holiday and take it from there. Sending hugs xx
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We had booked a week in Wales and a week in Scotland (literally a few days before he died). My adult children are going to accompany this summer but it was meant to be our bit of quiet time together. I can’t believe I will never get to have his companionship on a holiday again. I just can’t look forward to anything.
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Linda21 and Ellie66
I have looked at this point about friends and relatives not being supportive. They don’t know what to do - but I feel they just move on and leave you behind.
Nora NcInerney in one of her excellent videos on You Tube, says they should help and be taught what to do: phone you or message you, contact you on birthdays and anniversaries, etc. They should ask how you are feeling.
I love it when someone mentions my wife out of the blue. I was in the bank and the teller asked me how my wife was. I was a bit annoyed and said she died 2 years ago, thinking she did not know my wife. She told me my wife taught her daughters and that they thought she was a wonderful teacher. I felt warm hearing this and for a moment, she was alive again.
This is why you want to hear reminiscences like this.
My advice is don’t expect too much from friends and family in this. Find friends or new friends who will help.
Might be in your church, or join a social club or a book club, take up a new hobby or art or craft course. Anything that let’s you get out and meet people.
Finally, let us know how you are doing.
Just writing it down is good therapy.
Bill1
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Linda l am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Don’t every say sorry for writing how you are feeling. I lost my Lewis just over 12 months ago at 55 unexpectedly. My home feels so empty without him. I find people don’t.know what to say to us so don’t say anything. People at work say are you ok and what l would love to say is no am not, but then you don’t want them to feel awkward so l just reply fine thank you. I lost my dad two years ago so find it hard to talk to my mum, l don’t want to up set her because she has heart failure. Just take each day as it comes. Love Mandy
Hi Mandy
As you would like people to talk to you about your husband, your mum would like you to talk to her about your dad
Talking about the people we lost does not upset us - it is true we may cry but releasing the pain and the tears is good
Sometimes people say to me : “ oh I didn’t want to make you cry and feel upset” I am upset and sad anyway or they say “ didn’t want to remember Jack” he is in my mind anyway
My feeling of sadness, pain , hurt, loneliness is within me!
I like when I remember my Jack with the children - talk to your mum or maybe ask her if she wants to talk how she feels etc etc
Take care
Sadie x