Today as usual I tried to find things to do, keep busy and block grief from surfacing. Gardening, decorating, all the usual things that keep me busy until I fall into bed.
It was of no use, I kept wishing I could hear him in the garden, sweeping the patio, anything, just to speak to him and hug him!
Afraid I let the tears flow and was unable to stop!
I accept that this is now my life and will make the best of it, just today was meltdown day
It is a strange situation we now find ourselves in, not only bereaved but keeping our distance from others.
Perhaps thatâs why itâs even harder to cope with every day life.
There is just no normal.
It is good just to be able to put down thoughts on this site and know that others wonât judge or think your being self pitying.
(Which today I probably am.)
Tomorrow shall pick myself up and carry on.
I have meltdowns every day only been 4 months I canât see what tomorrow brings sorry your feeling like this very hard sending hugs x
Itâs been 15months and 11days since my beloved husband passed away and I want to say to you that it gets easier and it does in some ways but in other ways I find it more difficult. Iâm back at work and have a routine to keep me busy. From the outside people think Iâm âcopingâ well but when they donât know just how much I still hurt and miss my husband. I still have my moments and they creep up on you without warning. I still struggle to listen to music which he adored and I still find it hard to believe heâs not going to come through the door.
12remember I offer this hug, I have been a widower since 19th June. Just not the âlabelâ I have thought that I would be due, my Helen had life, energy, but corvid saw to her. When we thought that we were due to be together, I had splurged on the garden so that H could sit an enjoy. Yesterday I I just couldnât get the enthusiasm. Today was little better.
My best wishes Colin
Hi just want the pain to stop I never get over him I know that. You say it gets easier in what way thank you x
Thank you all for the virtual hugs.
Today felt bit brighter, thought âget a gripâ as a dear late friend would have said. So picked beans and made a mask. Constructive work.
The news showed a seaside place where we spent a few days and memories flooded back.
I realise I just couldnât face going to places on my own where we had such happy relaxed times.
Maybe one day.
12 remember. Like you I canât stand the thought of holidays in the same place as I went with Ron. Kim it is a very short time for you but it does get easier simply because you get stronger and you release the horrible raw feelings. I donât think you ever get over it because you have lost the person who made you Complete.But slowly, very slowly I think we become stronger. I know I have learned to go forward a little but I have my husband deep in my heart always.
Hi there
Nice to hear from you.
Your not being self pitying but I suppose there are people that just wonât understand but we all do. How well we know of those meltdown days. I have learned to use them to my own advantage and like to think that itâs Brian giving me a nudge and that I am not to forget him, so they are Brian days. I had a mini one yesterday picking blackberries. I couldnât reach and this was where Brian helped me as he was much taller. Where was he when I needed him and the tears came for a short time until I realised the blackberries were not going to start jumping off the bush by themselves.
For me I have found the best way to continue is to accept that this is now my life and how I cope is up to me.
Our loved ones will always remain deep in our hearts.
xx
Hi Kim
My heart goes out to you and how well I remember those first months. I think to say it getâs easier is perhaps not the right word but an acceptance. I have learned to get through each day my way but that might not be yours so Iâm afraid this is what you have to discover. What is good for you, what can you do to find some peace. The pain doesnât just simply go away Iâm afraid but for me I have learned to live with it. I can now smile, even laugh, have a good conversation and engage my brain in other things apart from the loss of my husband. But he is there with me always, never far from my thoughts. We learn to adapt to our grief and our ânormalâ life once more. I say normal but itâs a new normal for us all. Donât even try to get over him, there is no need. Grieve for him and donât fight your pain and very gradually you will start to heal. Take care of yourself Kim.
Thank you xx
12remember and Kim, those meltdowns are awful I know.Sometimes you can identify the triggers but other times itâs just out of the blue. Kim Iâitâs just over 3 months for me and actually seems to get worse, especially now lockdownâs easing and everyoneâs getting on with their lives and doing the things we used to do, but canât now. Well we could but donât ever want to with out the love of our life. :
Today as usual I tried to find things to do, keep busy and block grief from surfacing. Gardening, decorating, all the usual things that keep me busy until I fall into bed.
It was of no use, I kept wishing I could hear him in the garden, sweeping the patio, anything, just to speak to him and hug him!
Afraid I let the tears flow and was unabated le to stop!
I accept that this is now my life and will make the best of it, just today was meltdown day
It is a strange situation we now find ourselves in, not only bereaved but keeping our distance from others.
Perhaps thatâs why itâs even harder to cope with every day life.
There is just no normal.
It is good just to be able to put down thoughts on this site and know that others wonât judge or think your being self pitying.
(Which today I probably am.)
Tomorrow shall pick myself up and carry on.
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Bijane. You post really touched me today cos I feel the same. First I post that I am coping and could list things I do now that I couldnât two years ago then today I had a trigger and I felt really low. I always went to car boots in summer with Ron. We used to spend the whole morning scurrying around and then called for breakfast. I went alone today and it was just a chore. I could not concentrate at all and all I did was look around for my Ron.
I wonder where he is and is he OK. I just canât settle because I donât really believe in heaven so does that mean that I have to accept He is just a box of ashes⌠I feel so guilty that I canât even look at that box yet although some people get such comfort from keeping the ashes close. I hide them away in his wardrobe where he used to neatly fold all his T shirts on a shelf. I canât even look at his name because it hurts so much. Nothing seems real.
I feel I am in the middle of a bad nightmare. I am just not Me anymore. Like you though I may feel better tomorrow. Sundays are always long bad days. Hope you feeling better now. Xx
In my thoughts take care of yourself as much as possible Iâve been at the window willing my Edward to walk up the street sending you a hug from one broken heart to another Adele x 
I know just what you mean Angiejo, it feels like one step forward then several steps back agaiin. Like you I feel like Iâm in the middle of some terrible nightmare and Iâll wake up and there Malcolm will be, waking me up with a cup of tea like he always did. I seem to have lost Me, donât know who I am anymore, just feel lost and so alone. Doing things on your own that you used to do together really brings it home , and I shared your car boot experience when I came out from the hairdressers and he wasnât there to pick me up like he always did. Itâs like being pierced by a knife , almost doubled up with grief, that terrible realisation that youâll never have them ever again.And like you, I just want to know where he is, how can he have just disappeared, and is he all right. Hard to accept he can suddenly just not be here. So many things to try and get your head round and understand. Well, Sundayâs over, onward and upward, letâs hope weâre feeling a bit better tomorrow, a step forward day! Sending love x
Hi, my husband died just over 3 months ago, the pain so bad, now suddenly I find myself tears streaming down my face wherever I am, there doesnât seem to be anything that sets me off it just happens. I seem to have a physical pain in my heart, but I just seem numb, is this normal?
His slippers/shoes everything where he left them , I canât bring myself to move a thing, yet feel nothing when I see them ??
Hi so sorry for you the loss of our husbands is horrible. What your feeling is all normal 4 months with me I still have Micks clothes on end of bed post the last things he wore I have not touched anything. The physical pain in your heart is intense itâs awful. So sorry you couldnât go with your husband to the hospital it was 2 days before lockdown Mick was admitted I went with him when told only days to live I brought him home Covid 19 wards next to his ward my husband had bowel cancer but his bowel ruptured nothing they could do. My heart goes out to you. X
1JO2 and Kim, know just how you feel and sending love. Malcâs
died suddenly 3 months ago and some days Iâm like you, tears streaming everywhere out of the blue. Just heartbreaking what weâre going through. Like you, too, I have Malcolmâs thing all around the house, clothes in the bedroom, the robe he always wore still hanging I bet the bannister from his last shower, and yes, his slippers by the fire, just waiting for him to come home. Stupid I know, but canât move them or his gardening shoes and gloves on the bottom stair by the back door. Just wonder how we are ever going to manage without them, Was lockdown when Malcolm had his stroke so couldnât go with him or visit, only got to see him after three days , when it was end of life care and sat with him for two days then got told on the morning of the third day that he had died. Never regained consciousness from the stroke so no goodbye which is the worst thing. Oh we all have such sad stories to tell and coronavirus made it so much more unbearable. Letâs hope that the next 3 or 4 months will ease this terrible pain weâre enduring xx
Such heartbreak for us I donât know if we ever move on from this struggle every day sending love to you all.
How does it get better, To me it cant, Nothing has moved or changed in the house its been 9wks and my Paul went to sleep and never woke, no pain at least, he always wanted that, Just a clot not even aDr would known he had stopped muscle beating , I havnt and cant look at death cert, time of death nothing, we have 3 grown up kids and 2 grandkids, 2 kids his one mine, and it was mine that tried so hard to get hik to breath again I know he blames himself, Only thing is we are so lucky to be so close to each other me the 3 kids , But non acceptance is killing meand my Gp has been great but even hes mad that no counsellors have got back to him or me, I already suffer PTSD, Anxiety/panic attacks and insomnia and this is just adding to the pain in my heart but my life is numb
Youâre right, non acceptance and shock make it feel like life isnât worth living. The future feels so bleak and alien, even with lovely family around us. I have three wonderful grown up children and grandchildren , so supportive, but we are traumatised and badly damaged. Nothing can put it right. I keep going over what happened, my son desperately giving compression s and not wanting to stop, all to no avail. I hope knowing youâre not alone helps a little. Sometimes just posting makes me feel not quite so desperate. Sending love and support x