Too embarrassed to talk

I’m a police officer and lost my boyfriend in tragic corcumstances 4 years ago. I’ve struggled ever since. I have bottled all my thoughts and upset away and never spoke about it to anyone. Recently I’ve been having trouble sleeping again, I wake up with night sweats and my heart is racing. I have flashbacks and literally lie awake for hours tossing and turning. Due to lack of sleep I have no energy and struggle to stay motivated in work. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone and it’s really getting me down. As a police officer I deal with awful things and my colleagues become ‘immune’ and often make a laugh and a joke about things. I am too embarrassed to talk to anyone and feel like I can’t go to my doctors as I don’t want to have depression/ anxiety on my record as it will effect my future career aspirations. Anyone else been in a similar situation I really need help and advice on what to do. I have never felt so low, lonely and down.

Hi Sam,

Nobody is immune from feelins or grief. Seeing something as part of your job, and experiencing it as part of your family, are two very different things.

Have you considered going to your GP? They can be a great place to start x

I have considered it but can never bring myself to do it. I’ve made appointments in the past but can never find the courage to talk. I feel like I can’t talk to anyone, I’ve seen the stigma with mental health in work and I feel so embarrassed by the way I feel. X

I know that feeling - I work in mental health and have 3 diagnosed mh conditions.

Sometimes it can take a bit of ‘shopping around’ to find a good GP, but they’re worth their weight in gold when you find them. Have you considered writing it down so you don’t have to speak it? More recently I’ve started art/collage/writing things that I find difficult to communicate.

GPs are very used to people coming and offloading so you absolutely won’t be the first or last they’ve ever encountered x

Hi Sam

So sorry to hear about your boyfriend and that you cannot properly grieve. What you have described sound like very normal reactions both to loss and blocked feelings but I do see how your employer would categorise it. I’ve never been in a similar situation but you do need to start talking to someone in absolute confidence, start, say with the Samaritans, perhaps just a telephone call first, you don’t have to do it all at once.Perhaps Cruse afterwards may help, drop Priscilla a post and see what professional help she can come up with.

I don’t know whether you are feeling hamstrung because of the threat to your career or whether you are embarrassed by admitting to be fallible and human. But that’s just what the rest of us are on this site, fallible and human and caught up in our own fears and emotions. It has done me good to talk on here (and I know to my cost that I am all too human), so keep on posting. We are all amateurs on here, not professional counsellors, but a number of us on here will know exactly how you feel and will want to share with you.

Take care of yourself, warmest wishes
Alan

PS. If you have religious belief then you could contact your local church, you don’t have to be a life long regular attender. No doubt you have come across vicars and priests etc in your job, they are human too and confidential.

Hello sam5522, god I don’t know how you have held it all in I suppose your training as a police officer has done this too you.you must go to GP as its all confidentialf.my brother needs antidepressants but he is a a deep sea diver and won’t be allowed to do this if he takes them I can understand this as medication might be harmful if diving or he won’t be insured.I met a policeman once who told me he uses the samaritans he lost his best friend he said that they would ring him to see how he is doing so maybe you could ring them too and see what they say say.my husband died recently I put the phoned down on the first one I phoned. I rang them again recently the line was busy so I rang one in a different area and got through first few seconds I thought here we go again and after a while of speaking to a lovely man I calmed down they can’t solve things but it sure good to let it all out.take care

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