Too much pressure too soon

I lost my American wife to covid-19 in August 2021. The pain is still with me as I try to put on a brave face. I thought if I could keep myself busy and even try to move on into another relationship I could ease the memories and thus the trigger points of pain.
How foolish was this!
I loved my gentle and peaceful soul mate with all my heart, and I know I may never have that again. I’m not the sort of man who can be alone, I’m a family man.

The new relationship has progressed to expressions of love, but many difficult situations have arisen that I seem committed to but can’t cope with. If I withdraw from this new way of life, I may be facing another loss of companionship… Under any other times in my life, this busy, busy lifestyle would not have been a problem but for some reason I seemed to have lost my courage to project myself and just don’t seem to be able to cope.

I ask myself and break down in tears trying to answer… have I changed since my last beautiful relationship, or is it because I am still grieving.

Hi Crispy,

sorry to read of your loss, I just thought that I would reply as I can relate to your situation and understand how you might be feeling right now.

I guess my wife and I had a long time to adjust to her inevitable demise and she was able to pass on a sense of expectation that I should pick myself up, move on and make the best of the rest of my days. I expect to grieve at some level for the rest of my life and also mourn for the life she lost. That seems entirely natural and I am not going to try and box those emotions away, they are part of me now and I am determined to harness them to make me a better person.

It just seems wrong that you would lay aside the opportunity you have because of your human reaction to a recent loss that you cannot change. Try to change yourself back to who you want to be, grieve as and when appropriate and love when you can because love is more likely to improve your life than grief. You don’t know how this relationship will go, it may fail because of your reaction, but it may succeed and if so you will be happier and stronger for it.

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Hi Crispy, 5 months is not a long time, apparently the ‘peak’ of grieving is at 6 months, of course everyone is different and grief is always a part of us, just it slowly changes so you are going through two intense experiences at the same time. That is very hard to process I’m sure there is a lot of promise in your new relationship but surely they would understand especially when love is involved that perhaps you need at the moment more time to process and just to slow things down a bit. The intensity of a new relationship usually means we are completely focused on it, but I can’t see how that can be possible for you at the moment, you can still be close but for yourself you really need some time to go through the grief, it won’t go away you have to go through it to start to come out the other side very best to you, I’m so sorry about your beautiful peaceful partner :hibiscus:

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Hi Dustoff,

Yes, I see what you’re saying about the new relationship.
I just feel I have nothing left to give at times so feel like running…

but you are correct; it may succeed and if so you will be happier and stronger for it.

Thanks for your helpful words and of course sorry to hear of your loss.

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Hi Caroline2,

In view of the “two intense experiences at the same time” it had not occurred to me thank you for pointing that out. Also, thinking I would like to slow things down, I will have that conversation.
On reflection, I think also that conversation will be received well.

Thank you…

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