I have found a new partner¹a after my wife died in December. Her family have now been given the ashes and rings. Have i moved on too quick ?
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Time is not telling me anything
I understand what you mean but i feel such a guilt . Kerry and i had talked about such a thing happening and that the survivor should get dating straight away. But what if i have already found the one for me ?
My OH always used to say to me that if anything happened to him he would want me to move on because he hated seeing his mother so lonely after his father died. It’s only been four weeks for me but in all honesty I don’t think I’ll ever want to meet anyone else. I was with him 17 years, I loved him and was so comfortable with him. I’d never find anyone like him again. He was one in a million. If it had been me who died though I wouldn’t want him to feel the way I do. I wouldn’t want him crying, barely getting out of bed and wishing he could join me because that’s how I’m feeling now. I’d hope he would have been stronger than me and moved on with his life.
How long were you with your partner? Why did you decide to give her ashes back? Me and his family are going to split his ashes but if at any time in the future I started to feel differently about meeting someone else I definitely wouldn’t give my partners ashes back.
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His mam wants some of his ashes too, to be fair me and my partner lived together but we weren’t married so I don’t actually have any claim to them anyway and even if we were married I would still want her to have some. She still has her husbands ashes on the sideboard in her living room so she’d like to put some of my partners there too next to his dad. When she dies maybe the three of them can be scattered together. I’ll keep my half of his ashes here and hope they bring me some comfort 
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Yes I’m very greatful that she’s been so good. She actually asked me if she could have some when really I should have been asking her bless her. I’m not even ready to think of him as ash yet
I could scream. How can my fit strong man just be given back to us as ash? I still can’t get my head around it all, I don’t think I ever will 
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I lost my husband suddenly at the age of 53 nearly 4 months ago after celebrating our 25th anniversary. I miss him every day and cry every day and still can’t believe that this has happened. I personally wouldn’t want to meet anyone else as my husband was my soulmate and no other man would match up to him. He was generous, funny and loving and put up with me lol.
@Luka it is your personal choice and your journey and if it feels right for you then don’t feel guilty though I guess you do or you wouldn’t be asking for advice. Everyone deals with grief different and in time you will know if you have made the right decision. Hope everything works out for you as I know this is a horrible new life.
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@Luka I think everyone has their own way of grieving, as well as their own timeline for grieving the loss of their husband or wife The posts from everyone here are a real testament to that. I think if you are still consumed by grief for your wife, then probably you may need to think about whether you are dating too soon after her death. On the other hand, if you feel you have mostly returned to your normal level of functioning, and you can get through the day without crying and feeling so lost without her then you may feel you are ready. Everyone is different, and no one will judge you for seeking new happiness if you are ready to start.
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On and off 40 years. Mainly off but it was her 11 and me 13.
Only you know the answer to that, nobody can give that advice to you.
@luka It is your choice. There’s no right or wrong time to meet/find someone else. Like Sarlyn said, only you know the answer as to whether it is right - if you are seeking approval it has to come from within not from us. Best wishes with your future.
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Thank you.
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It must be so strange being with somebody new after spending so long together. Did you just meet somebody and fall for them or were you actively looking to find somebody else?
I hope you don’t mind me asking, tell me to mind my own business if you want but do you think part of you moving on so quickly was to try and help you get through your grief and loneliness? Or did you just meet somebody and develop feelings?
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I just met her , i was looking. I have always had a girl/ woman on my arm. I suppose i have always been scared to be on my own ?
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Why did you give your partners ashes and rings back? Why didn’t you keep them? If in a few weeks it doesn’t work out with the new woman because you realise that you only moved on so quickly because you didn’t want to be alone you might regret giving them back to her family and they probably wouldn’t give them back to you at that point.
Giving her ashes back seems like such a strange thing to do. Lots of people do move on and meet someone else but the partner you lost is always going to be a part of you no matter what. You don’t just stop loving or forget about the partner who passed away because you met somebody new.
What I didn’t say was that I am an easily led, mental health sufferer. Kerry’s niece rang up saying that she needs the ashes more than I do. I know she is suffering at the moment. I feel compelled to bow down to people in my life, in all ways. So I gave her the ashes. I myself wanted to make one ring out the 3 but I also felt as though the rings would be extra comfort.
Im not sure what or how to cope ! I shouldn’t have to feel all the emotions i am
I have to get away for a holiday but i feel too guilty.
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My partner died two and a half years ago and I really thought I would move on quite quickly after the same period of time that you have
I loved her to pieces, but the problem is, I still do, and just can’t get past the half a dozen really solid opportunities i’ve had in the past year
One in particular, an ex from ten years ago that I’ve never really got over, I think she still has feelings for me too but I just can’t get past my late love
I’m a very different and better person since my ex and I split up, but that was within six months of my wife walking out and I just wasn’t ready for her, but feel I am now, it’s just so hard when your late partner was everything you always wanted and didn’t get from a loveless marriage of over thirty years, good luck
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Luka, it’s a lovely thing to want a woman on your arm. And it’s wonderful you have found someone so quickly to do that. Would it help you to have some mental health support do you think? You seem to be struggling with trying to restore the balance in your life, and this could be a knee jerk reaction to your loss. Or it could be true love. You do need to look for some support before doing anything else.
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Hi @Luka ,
I think as other said, don’t rush into a commitment give yourself time to see if this is true love or just a reaction to your loss and grief.
Giving your wedding ring away and your partner’s ashes seems a knee jerk reaction, I hope you don’t come to regret this decision.
It was a subject me and my husband have talked about in the past as he is alot older than me. I know we both came to the same conclusion, what we had was enough and there wouldn’t be anyone else in our lives. It’s now our 45th wedding anniversary today, two years one and half months since he died. I still feel the same, I love him so much there will never be anyone else in my life.
Don’t rush into anything give yourself time.
Debbie x
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