Total sadness again

I thought last week I was coping better and accepting my future was what it was. But today I just want him back . I cannot see what the point is in doing anything . My family have been good but they cannot be my Ed. Friends keep in touch but they will never understand how my life has ended without the one man who made me laugh smile and gave me a reason to live. I see other people having a great time doing things with each other and their family and friends and feel jealous. It’s so unfair. Why me? Why take my lovely Ed ? He was robbed of so much. He loved being with people and helping them. Not a bad bone in his body. When he came into my life 10 years ago he saved me from a terrible time I was going through and made me see that life could be so good. My guardian angel. Now I am just going through the motions to please family and friends when all I really want is to be with him. If I get a serious illness I will not go to hospital for treatment as I will hope that I can be with Ed sooner. I’m sorry I’m not saying anything positive to help anyone here today . I just wanted to feel I was talking to someone by telling them how I feel. How can this ever get better ??

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Hello Lizzed,

I can’t see the point in doing anything either, and I don’t

Quote, “If I get a serious illness I will not go to hospital for treatment”

A woman after my own heart, I won’t tell anybody exactly what but that’s just a mere drop compared to what I do. My life is meaningless.

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A lot of us think we’re getting somewhere then suddenly feel like we’re back to square one. Nobody will ever replace your Ed and i’m sure you wouldn’t want them too. No one understands neither unless they have been through it. To be fair I didn’t understand. I did used to think how horrible it must be if anyone at work lost their husband or wife, thinking how horrible to go home and they’re no longer there. My Alan loved life and he to didn’t have a bad bone in his body. He too also saved me from a terrible violent relationship and we had 38 years together as partners and known him for about 43. I feel as you do about wanting to be with him asap. Starved myself for a couple of days but unfortunately it takes longer than that. Hope your days start to improve but don’t worry about what you say and how you feel. It is as it is. Take care. x

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Well the 3 posts above all say how I think and feel .as well.
What I can’t bear is how completely alone I feel. I’m not lonely but so alone without that one person to turn to who knows me so well.
Friends and family want to help but they have their own lives and problems.
My life has no meaning now, no companionship, no love ot support, just day after day of nothing.
We expected to have 20 years of hard earned retirement together. Now I hate how our lives have ended with me alone wishing the days away as quickly as possible.
There are a lot of good, kind people on this site and one who has been especially supportive to me.
None of us deserved this suffering
nor did our loved ones.
Wishing everyone a little peace. Jx

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Hi All
I understand exactly how you feel. I am so very sad. Just had my Birthday first one without my darling. He always had a BBQ for me with all our family this year our eldest son hosted it in his home I really enjoyed being altogether & they all spoilt me very much but of course my darling wasn’t with us which was so heartbreaking for us all. I agree if I ever got a serious illness I wouldn’t have any treatment there really would be no point & if there was no cure no point. My husband knew he couldn’t be cured but he had the chemo but he had a stroke & although he could still speak it definitely affected his brain as he was never the same again. I was kind of relieved in a way when he passed away cos I didn’t want him to be in pain & he was terribly upset that he couldn’t help me & & could hardly walk but I do so miss him. He like your husbands was so kind funny happy loving & gentle .Why did it have to happen. We were married for 37 years but knew each other for nearly 50 years.
I tried to kid myself that I had turned a corner & I was coping but I am really not it seems to be worse now in a different way I think it is beginning to be real now I think we are living in some kind of nightmare for the first few months but now it’s been 6 months my heart is breaking I miss him sooooo much.
Apologies for my outburst but I just had to tell someone who understands.
Thinking of you all

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Hello everyone
I am feeling exactly like all of you, it’s 26 weeks since he went,thought I was doing better but everything seems so bleak and colourless without him.We were together 43 years ,more than half my lifetime,and that’s just what I feel ,half a person without him
We never gave a thought to either of us dying,we were just happy , perhaps we should have done
Love to all

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Lancashirlass
I know what you mean about thinking we would never die. My husband was told that he would live to 86 & in our nativity we truly believed it silly I know but it made us confident that we would have a very long life together.
Thinking of you all xx

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I really feel your pain. The days are just meaningless and for a brief moment when i am around others I can switch off but as soon as I leave everyone, that terrible alone feeling kicks in. I miss him so much and just want to hear his voice, have a laugh, walk the dog together, do NORMAL but that will never be again. I have counselling and a few weeks back I started to feel a bit better, but I have gone backwards. I cannot be bothered doing anything at home, I have a new house as I have moved back home to be near to my family, which I love, but nothing is the same. I would give up everything that I have and live in a cardboard box to have Martin back. Unless you have been there you cannot understand. Everyone is kind but their lives go on as does everyones around you. I find myself looking at OLD couples and wanting to say “you are so lucky”. We were married for 30 years, we couldnt have children and I so wish we had been able, because I would still have something of Martin left, I know it is still not the same but it would be something. Everyday and night is meaningless I just cannot be bothered with anything.My sister listens and understands but knows she cannot really understand how I feel. She is a nurse and sees the suffering that people go through. She says she often finds herself on her way from the hospital in the car, thinking of Martin and how much he is missed and sheds a tear for him and me. She tells me that there isnt a day goes by that they as a family dont think of Martin and normally talk about him. My brothers were at the Open at weekend and said how much Martin would have loved it and he would, they raised a glass to him, so I know they were thinking of him. Deep breaths again today and just battle on.

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I feel exactly the same I can’t get over this emptiness I feel and such deep sadness we were together for 26 years and he was my rock. I feel so helpless without him and really worried about everything. I don’t want to do anything just sit drinking tea thinking of my bleak future and worrying about all the responsibility I now have. My son worries about me and I don’t want him to keep worrying about me, he is also coming to terms with losing his dad his best mate. It’s awful. Friends and family have been very good but do not really understand that I just want to be with my other half. Let’s just hope that life will get better for all of us in some way. Much love to everyone

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Another day of wishing time away. I have to do what duties are expected of me but inside I am begging for Ed to give me a sign that he is still with me. I know he cannot come back. There is no such things as miracles. During the 5 short months he was ill I prayed every night for a miracle and every day he got more bad news and got worse. Thank you all for answering my previous post and I feel so sorry for all of us suffering this cruel sadness. I don’t know if we will feel different in time as I don’t want to be here that long to know. Just killing time till I am either with Ed or if that is not what happens then at least I will be free of living with sadness.

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Hi all, I feel exactly the same I lost my parents a long time ago and definitely was sad. This life without the man I love is an existence until I am no longer here. Nothing gives me joy any more - I do have family but the emotional pain cannot be conveyed. I would not wish this on anyone - I sincerely hope it gets better for us all - xx
Wilma - D

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Sending you all a hug as I feel the same. It’s 13 weeks since I lost my Harry and the loneliness is unbearable. Today I invited myself to a friends for coffee 30 miles away as I had not spoken to anyone for 3 days and when I got there I cried and cried. I came home to an empty house and have cried most of the day. My small family and friends are really supportive but they have their own lives. The pain of loneliness hurts so much and I just can’t see how I will ever feel any different. I know ‘it’s early days’ but I just don’t seem to be adjusting to my own company.
Feeling absolutely worn out with crying and have a stinking headache so off to bed to see if I can sleep and get this day over. Night night everyone xx

I feel lonely even when there are friends here. They cannot replace the closeness and love of Ed. What is early days ? Weeks or months or years ? I feel so self pitying and pathetic at times especially when replying to friends and family. But it is such an immense feeling of utter loss and pain. And still no sign from him. Why ? I am angry. At life and at Ed. He promised to come back and give me a sign he is here with me. I really don’t know how to face another day feeling as bad as this day. But my family expect me to be strong and try to enjoy being with them. I want that too not this misery that is inside me all the time but it’s not getting easier just seems harder. Thank you for letting me tell you how I feel.

Hi lizard
I am so desperately unhappy today. I have been for a very long walk & tried so hard to see& think happy thoughts but I am now home & just here all alone long evening ahead of me. I hate my "new life " so much weather sort of helps bright sunshine but the love of my life is not here & it is hurting me so much. They say time heals its only six months for me. People think you should after 6 months be living again but it’s not quite like that is it? I think it’s all about them sometimes they would find it so much easier if we pulled ourselves together they would feel better. I know they care but nobody can understand if they haven’t been in our lives I do really hope that when they walk in our shoes I honestly wouldn’t wish that on anyone it is so painful & unbearable. I am so unhappy . All I do is walk for miles & then go to bed & cuddle my darlings clothes that he died in. It does give me comfort . That’s ok I am not hurting anyone nobody knows except all of my friends on this site never ever told my kids . I am just so unhappy.
Love to you all I know you understand so sorry

Hello Unhappy 127
I feel exactly like you feel and so do the many people on this site unfortunately. I just wish it had been me that had died and not my Ed. In my many emotions including anger I think he got the best deal if what they say is right …gone to a better place ? I hide a lot from my sons and just break down when I am alone. I wish I could give you words of hope that this awful sadness gets better in time. But I’m like you struggling to see any future. Talking to people on here has helped me when I am feeling helpless and hope you can keep in touch with me and the other lovely listeners here.
Liz x

Hi Liz
Thankyou so much for you reply. I know exactly how you feel “wish it was me not here” but we are. I am so lucky I have children& grandchildren but they are brilliant to me but they work & have their own stuff to worry about which is only right. I like you wish. I wasn’t here but I know it sounds very strange but in someways I don’t really know how he would have managed without me. Sounds awful I know he would manage without me but I love him so much I wouldn’t want him to feel the pain I have to endure. I know he would be ok but I just grateful that I can spare him the pain I am suffering.
Strang philosophy eh? But I love him so much I am thankful that he will never have to suffer the pain that we do.
Sorry about all this but it may help . We will always take pain for our children & in a strange sort of way I loved him so much I would never want him to be unhappy so that’s the hand we were dealt & I am sort of pleade that he is at peace & doesn’t have to worry about anything else ever agai. All our married life bringing up 5 children he was always the Daddy & took care of us all but he got ill he didn’t mean to get cancer but he did so I have had to let him go didn’t want to & I miss him so much & I wish I could have a minute with him as in the film “Ghost” but that’s impossible so I just hope I see him in my dreams which I do some nights. But one of the songs from that filmI think it’s “you took my life with you” or something like that.
So sorry for this long speech but just letting all my feelings out.
Take care all thinking of you with love. Xxx

Thank you for sending love. Something we all need. Never be sorry! None of us want to be here so apologies are unnecessary.
Whatever you do to give you some little comfort has got to be good. We all do things that may seem crazy to many, I do!
6 months and living again!? You have to take remarks from such people from whence they come. They don’t know or understand the pain. This happens in anxiety. Along come the ‘helpers’. ‘Snap out of it’. Pull yourself together’. ‘Don’t be so childish’. If I had pound for every time I have heard that I would be very rich.
They have not been in an anxiety state. They have not suffered bereavement. How could they know?
I suggest not trying too hard. Let thoughts and memories come. Let time pass. After 10 months things are easing a bit, and I am coping a bit. Just a bit, but it’s a beginning. We will never forget, impossible, but there may be some relief to the pain. I’m sure there is. Take care. Love to you too.

Hi Jonathon 123
Feeling so very unhappy you are the only person that replied to my long speech.I am even more unhappy that I didn’t get any response. I thought maybe others might have understood . I am so sorry if I offended anyone it wasn’t meant. I just thought we could say what was on our minds & what I said was very important to me but. I now realise that I should have kept it to myself I just thought others may have felt similar but it was not meant to be. Sorry that I wrote it but I was just speaking from my broken heart feel more alone now.

Dear Unhappy

Please do not apologise for writing what you feel - I do all the time and what you have put is in no way offensive - you are just telling us how you loved your husband and I can understand completely about how it would be for him if he lost you. My son even voiced this to me - he said that he did not think dad would have coped and that they would have ended up losing both parents. Not that he thought he would have taken his own life - but would have just sat in the chair and pined away. I loved and still love my husband so much, I cannot bear to think of a future without him - so I just try not to think of that at all. Of course they did not mean to go - and I feel so sad he is missing out on everything - just being round the children, just the little things that I know he would have loved. And like you, I would do anything for a minute with him - just to tell him how much I love him - and so he could tell me too - as I was not able to say goodbye as it was sudden and I was not with him. But I know he knew I loved him and find it hard to believe that anyone else has something as special as we did. Now reading yours and others stories on here we all had our special love story and the despair we are feeling at the loss of this love, our present and our future is almost unbearable. Where do we go from here? I don’t know - I don’t think any of us do . We will just muddle along coping the best we can and will put a brave face on it for the sake of our children who also desperately miss their dads. You are most definitely not alone. Please carry on posting - we will reply- sometimes it just takes a while.
Sending you a hug -

Trisha xx

Hi Unhappy 127,

I am here, sending you this reply because I don’t want you to feel alone…this is from my broken heart of 21 months to yours.

I found out that the only way to organise my brain to enable me to think and feel again, was to talk about my loss. I came to this forum when I couldn’t bear to be face to face with others who had been through such traumatic experiences. I felt so supported by the messages here; caring and understanding. I moved onto CBT once PTSD became apparent. It is communicating how we feel now and then, and sharing our stories that helps.
Please keep on telling your and your lovely husband’s story. I remember so well lying on the bed with my beautiful husband, holding him tight as had his 5th spinal tap. I was the one of us who understood what was going on, sat through all the results by myself and was told the saddest news. I shielded him for the rest of his life…I protected him with every breath I had. I never wanted to be apart from him…MRI scans and all. I saw so much that I can’t forget…but I’ve learned how to cope with my thoughts, memories and feelings to reduce the anxiety and panic attacks.
There are so many of us who have supported someone on their journey to end of life…courage, commitment and caring…the three C’s. We are part of their story, their life, nothing can change that. Love bound us with a golden thread…forever to unravel.
I wish you peaceful moments, x

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