Totally struggling

First post, so apologies for the long read…

My husband died of bowel cancer 8 months ago, at the age of 58, after 2 years of treatment. It was a difficult time and we did make lots of arrangements to make things easier for me, such as sorting out all the finances, funeral etc. etc.
However, 8 months later and i’m really struggling. Most days are pretty much going through the motions. Lock down sort of made things easier because it was something that everyone was having to go through but now that restrictions are easing (I live in Scotland, so a bit behind some others) I am starting to struggle again.

I really see no point in my life, I don’t know what purpose I serve or what good I am to the world. I’m not suicidal or anything, just trying to make sense of the world, given we had such big plans for our retirement.

We both took early retirement when my husband was ill so I don’t work. We moved to a small town just 2 months before he was diagnosed so I don’t have family or a big network around me. I walk my dog twice a day which has been good because at least it makes me go out of the house.

I just don’t know what to do with myself to make things better or how to move on.

Hi Cairodog, I am so sorry you are struggling, it is hell just trying to get through each day. Your husband was so young to have lost his battle it is all so sad. I lost my husband 6 months ago so I know every emotion you are going through. My husband took a sudden heart attack so we had no chance to arrange anything, I had lost my Mum three weeks before Colin so a double whammy. I also have a wee dog who is my reason for getting out of bed in the morning. We were retired as well and had so many plans for our future which have now gone forever. I don’t know how we get through this but I am lucky to have great support from family and friends. I have also made amazing friends on here who are with me every step of the way, we are all on this journey together and help and encourage eachother to get through it a day at a time. Stick with the forum it was my saviour when I needed it most. Hopefully once lockdown relaxes you can get out and about a bit more and fill your time so you are not so isolated and dwelling on things. Sending you a hug :revolving_hearts:

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Just wanted to let you know that this total devastation is understood by so many of us.
I wish I could tell you that it will get better but after losing my husband to cancer on 1st January ( 22 weeks ) it has not got easier. It’s the hardest thing you will ever have to deal with.
I wish I could give you words of encouragement but I can only tell you that you are not alone. xx

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Hi. Cairodog. No apologies necessary. You come here and unload whenever you want, and you can rest assured we all know how you feel and are with you every step of the way.
I have just replied to someone else who’s wife died just before retirement. It’s so sad when that happens. Plans are all gone and there is no plan ‘B’ to fall back on.
You use the word ‘struggle’. Now what am going to say may not resonate with you, but as in anxiety and any form of mental distress struggling is futile. It adds to the pain because it allows feelings to run riot. Give up the struggle! Grieve, of course you will, and 8 months is so little time. There are no ways to deal with something so personal as grief. You will do it in your own way and time. Allow those feelings and emotions to come. I have found that the light in the far distance does get brighter given time. Take care and be kind to yourself.

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Thank you all for your replies. I am encouraged by your empathy and advice but also quite sad to hear your stories and how tough life is at this time. Feeling quite down again today so sorry for not replying to you individually.
Best wishes
Lynne

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It’s OK Lynne. No individual replies needed. Down days will come and when they do turn your ship into the wind and weather out the storm. Storms die down and so will the pain. There is one big redemptive force in all this. LOVE! It can never fade and you will go on loving but in a calmer way. They are with us and would not want us to be sad. Bless you and our prayers are with you. John.

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Linda
hopefully you will get comfort and a little help from members of this site ,who are going through the same heart breaking emotions that are engulfing your life at present,
none of us have found the magic solution which will make life easier quickly.
you will go through every emotion known to man/woman nothing any one can say can ease this traumatic event in your life.but we all seem to find our own ways of coping.
im barely coping and I lost my soulmate 16 months ago,but im shocked that im even here,
but others find ways to occupy their days and fill their time as to not be able to to dwell on everything you are facing me well im doing just that ive done bugger all,got no incentives as ive no one who I need to provide or care for,i barely look after myself.
but if im still here and existing ,im hoping you will find a way and like ive said you will find lots of wonderful people who are here and if you need anything just ask.
sorry for droning on,and glad you’ve already seen how lovely the members are by their heartfelt replies,
regards
ian

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I joined this forum after losing my husband to stomach cancer 2 weeks after diagnosis. Left home to have some treatment never to return. That was March 2018. You will indeed find support here from lovely individuals who are travelling the same road as you are. They can relate to you because like you they too have lost their soul mates and life for them has changed. You may feel you are not making progress but you are and we can all relate to that feeling of our plans being snatched away.
I started a thread a couple of months ago in which I spoke about looking back on my journey via my Sue Ryder blog. If you click into my profile, then click ‘activity’ you can see where I was 9 months after losing my gentle man. I was pretty amazed when I did look back and it pretty much maps out my journey to where I am now. You speak of life in lockdown, that’s been a real challenge for those grieving as distractions or opportunities to fill in our days became restricted. But the other side of lockdown is the peace it offered, to be away from the busyness of life and you are now exploring where you go from here. Sometimes we all look back, just like Ian, and wonder how did we get here? My answer to myself is my lovely gentle man is still by my side, our love continues to grow and I know he is proud of every positive step I take and he is there when I wobble. Wishing you a peaceful day with some sunshine to warm your face and heart as you walk with your little dog xx

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