Traditions

I just thought I’d ask a question of the community as I’m curious what things people do to honour their loved ones.
What I’m asking is about traditions. Is there anything your loved one did that you have now started doing deliberately or otherwise that is related to what they used to do or represent?
By example, for me, one new tradition amongst others is now Hobnobs.
Ever since my mum died, now 9 weeks ago, I’ve kept a packet of hobnobs in the cupboard. They are consumed of course but always replaced before running out.
Now the reason I do this is because my mum spent a lot of time with me, my wife and daughter and that included going on holidays in recent years. There was always a running joke causing eyes to roll and heads to shake when mum would bring out the hobnobs. Everywhere we went she would bring hobnobs and then buy even more while away! It was expected that she would have them with her wherever we went.
As a consequence, for her funeral we created a memory table with some lovely photos from throughout her life, various medals and certificates from her dancing classes, various shells she’d collected on her travels and of course a packet of hobnobs.
So, it may sound silly but that packet of biscuits isn’t just a packet of biscuits to me anymore, it represents some of her character and I think of her whenever I eat one. We do of course plan to ensure any future holidays include a packet even though my mum sadly cannot be with us anymore.
So, any stories like this out there, or is it just me doing these silly things that I think would make my mum smile wherever she is? I hope one day these traditions help make me smile again when I think of her.

Shaun

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I have started writing things down on index cards and putting them in a index box.
Our walks, holidays, dogs, days out, friends, special occasions, homes, favourite places, T.V. programmes, meals, weekly routines.
Anything and everything all the things I don’t want to forget.
I just do them as they come into my head.

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That is a brilliant idea. I use a computer a lot but I love the low tech approach. I am very forgetful!
It would be super to do something like you are doing if not for me then my daughter eventually so she would always know her grandma.

When my David died, I sorted out photographs of our life together and made 2 photo frames 20x20 of all the great pictures, I sobbed for 2 days doing it. It’s now pride of place on my hallway stairs, I pass it everyday, and think where has all those years gone. 46 years of happy memories. It was a comfort to me to do this in my early days of bereavement.
I also created a memorial garden, I bought an Arbour, and it’s my sanctuary as he was always down the garden, I go there it’s peaceful and think of him.
As a family, (I have 2 sons and a daughter ) we all go out with their partners and my grandchildren for Sunday Dinner approx every 6 weeks, not one month has gone by when they have let me down. This is a new tradition for us, but it’s keeping us together. We all have to do what we feel is best.

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Hi Shaun I started doing my wife Janes family tree in 2003 found out quite a lot then never added much to it over years until she passed away last November,I decided I would like to know further how her ancestors lived,where they were from ,their professions etc ,although it is still an ongoing thing I have amassed a database of 800 people dating back to 1640 .
I have been able to find out who some of her family heirlooms belong to a silver cigarette case and vesta case with the initials G.W.C her great grandfather,a silver ladies evening purse belonging to her great grandmother,possessions neither her or her parents knowing who they belonged to.
With the help of the internet it as helped me try to get closer to ancestors that are buried with Jane or nearby to her home village churchyard.
Not everyone’s way of remembering but suited me fine.
Regards MM69

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Sahaun, i am Jackie 68, lost my partner suddenly at home 11th April, sevent months tomorrow to the date…I went through a phase a couple of months back of placing a few items we had bought when on one or two of our very early holidays together during our dating period just before we got engaged and set up our forver home together, you see we both met in our later life 20 years ago…My Richard wsas 74 when i lost him, i am 68, we had met 20 years ago…I had noticed i had tucked away in a cupboard some Portmeirion and Dartington Crystal and took them out and placed them on show in my living room so Richard can see them, yes i have his photo and three photos and ashes boxes of my three fur babies on the sideboard, i just want him to see how lovely i am making our home and the memories of our UK holidays in Devon-Cornwall-The Lake District-Wales and Anglesey…I had also bought myself a set of Portmeirion miniature vases which now have flowers in and i have placed them around the room and told Richard how much he would have like them, my Richard loved everything flowers
I just wish he was here to see them, he would absolutely love to see them in our home, I have no Idea why i had them tucked away and so out of sight for so long…Too late now for my Richard to appreciate them although i hope and pray he can see them them…

Jackie…

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I’m an introvert and actually quite shy. Tim my husband was the opposite. He’d talk to everybody we met and his approach led to many new friends. So I’m continuing in his memory and trying really hard to talk to people I meet and to try to hold on to the confidence he gave me.

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I must be the odd man out here. I have no photos of my wife because we never took any. The only things left are her lovely paintings on the walls. The only reminding I want is in my heart where she will ever be. But it goes to show how diverse grieving can be. Nothing whatever is right or wrong. Nothing!! I fully understand how photos and things that we associate with our loved ones can bring some peace.
But there can be a problem here because to be constantly reminded of our loss can lead to despair. No way am I underestimating the pain. We will never forget, of course we won’t. But often moving on means just that; leaving behind the pain and suffering that we feel. It may never go completely, if ever, but it will diminish.
I realise I may get into hot water saying that, but it is a personal opinion and I would not want anyone to share it if it felt wrong for them. Blessings.

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Hi Jonathan, I have been giving your message a lot of thought today and I realised that I had photo’s of Brian all around me. Where I sit in the living room he was on three sides of me and most times now when I look at his photo I get an overwhelming sense of sadness. So I have today moved all three photo’s out of sight and will give it a try.
At first his photographs gave me comfort. I would sit in front of them and talk to him but recently I am finding they bring sadness instead so I will only get one out when I feel strong enough to have a ‘chat’ with him. Our allotment also brings back so many memories but it is also very therapeutic for me so I have to soldier on with that one. My walking I had done for years before I met Brian so used to walking alone but holidays are definitely out. We have to keep trying what makes us feel comfortable and only time will tell.
Thanks
Pat xxx

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Some lovely replies there, thank you. I would have replied sooner but I’ve been horribly ill the past few days with something I guess my daughter had given me.
I do like the idea of photos. I had been collating some really good ones mainly for the funeral and that was extremely hard work. Even now I’m not sure I’m ready to start singling out all the photos featuring mum from my vast collection of digital and slides. Definitely something I really would like to do and possibly create some sort of book that I could pass over to my daughter to keep. I have a photo of mum from a holiday this year as the wallpaper on my phone, I’m 50/50 on whether is good being reminded every time I unlock my phone. I do have some great photos though I’d love to display when I’m ready.
My mum collected a stupid amount of mugs, typically one each holiday she went on so I now have a load of them displayed next to where I type this and where I work during the day. They are not worth much apart from the special memories of good times.
I had worked on my family tree back in 2006 and my mum got really into it and loved hearing all the juicy info I dug up on family she never knew about. I haven’t done any for ages but I might get back into that again and properly produce a chart so that all the family can see. Just a shame I cannot share it anymore with her. I am a member on Ancestry and it costs a fortune each year so I may as well use it!
Great idea about a memorial garden, I could create a special area in the garden and thoughtfully plant it up. I might get some slow growing shrub for that purpose.
There are definitely some things that my mum used to do that I’m either doing already or will do just because they remind me of her. No doubt some of those things are the very things that used to make me roll my eyes when it happened! Oh well,

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I also have a photo on my phone that comes up when I unlock it. It’s of me and mum and my daughter when she was 3, I was also pregnant with my son and have a big bump. We are all dancing under an arch of balloons at my best friends wedding. I love the photo. But it pierces my heart. And I’m considering changing it. It’s too painful

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I think the garden is a wonderful idea. Plant it as a loved one would like. I am having a bit of a change round in my garden. But on our allotments when I work on Brian’s plot I think of him all the time and what he would have liked, He has a pond and small wildlife area which he loved to sit by much to my annoyance when there was work to be done. I have placed a seat there for him and last week saw a frog in it. He would have been overjoyed as he loved frogs and all wildlife for that matter. I nearly got rid of this area but just couldn’t so it is his memorial area now.

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Thank you Sheila, such a lovely thing to say. Thank you for you lovely story. There has been some great music hasn’t there? It’s amazing how much music has some personal attachment and memory associated with it.
You are right, I did and still do love my mum very dearly. We were very close, quite literally, about 100m apart for the last 7 years. I am so lucky to have a great wife and daughter but of course nobody replaces my beautiful mum so I want to as much as possible keep her memory alive. I owe her so much and have felt I have never truly repaid the debt.
My mum’s favourite radio station was Radio Scilly, mostly because of the holidays she spent with us there. I bought her a Sonos speaker so that she could listen to it whenever she wanted to keep up to date with the goings on on the little islands that she loved so much. Well now, during the house clearance that I have had to endure, that speaker has now been relocated next to my desk and seeing it reminds me of her. I haven’t been able to play Radio Scilly again on it yet but I think I will when I’m emotionally ready pick up the habit that she had and start listening to that station again.
Shaun x

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I’m younger than you at 53, but I agree time does run out. I look at photos and that the majority of people are missing. Granparents, father and mother. Mum, I only lost 7 weeks ago. I’m the only one left of my family. It comes as a shock. Somehow, out of all this sadness, loss and grief a good life needs to be made again. I wish so much that some tasks had been done. The blowing up of very small photos into larger ones, so my mother could have seen loved one faces more clearly. Mum writing by old photos who people were. I remember my Dad saying that every decade seems to get quicker time wise. There are so many regrets. We ran out of time. All I can do is now that they are passed is - love them more. Truly, truly love them. My heart has to believe it is not the end, but that one day I see them again.

Hi. Sheila.
I’m glad you mentioned this subject because my wife had many such experiences. I’m not in the least psychic, but she saw those who had passed appear very often sometimes even walking along the street. She never talked about this gift to anyone who wouldn’t understand. They just conclude you are a bit off. But not so. My wife never lied and what she saw was real to her.
There is book called ‘The boy who saw True’ available on Amazon. The poor lad was taken to doctors and opticians because no one believed what he saw. Many have this gift, but few talk about it for fear of ridicule. I’m not a Spiritualist but a lot of what they do does resonate with me. I still have problems coming to terms with all the suffering that often leads up to death. It does seem so unfair. But I keep an open mind. Best wishes. Love and light. John.

You have such a wonderful story, I love hearing about memories of the past. I’ve no idea about any afterlife or if indeed there is one at all. I love all the deep philosophical questions but often they end up creating enormous confusion in my mind! I won’t go into my distant past of going in search of the afterlife in various supposed locations as I often did it not so much because of what I might experience but more because of the fascinating histories of buildings and seeing the way other people behave. I never did experience anything. I consider myself a rational thinker but that being said, I have tried and still do try to talk to my mum and always hope for some sort of answer or sign. Nothing yet but I remain open minded and hopeful.
You are so right about time running out. Doesn’t it just seem to get faster, the older we get? Our perception of time changes and I think that’s been proven. There are so many things I need to do or should have done already and I know that life generally gets in the way and I’ll do it next week but of course the years go by one after the other. My photo collection needs work for a start. Not for me, but the next generation. There are old photos I wished I’d spent more time discussing with mum, there are more questions I’d like to ask my mum about her life and I’d like to take notes. Of course I should have done this so why didn’t I? Because I took life for granted I suppose and of course there is an ending at some point.
If I am lucky enough to reach 77 myself then I hope I still miss my mum, in fact I know I will. I also hope I spend enough time writing stuff down and talking with my daughter so that she is equipped to tell the story of her life, her parent’s lives and her grandparent’s lives. As long as I don’t waste time before then! One of my favourite tracks is ‘Time Waits For No One’ by Freddie Mercury. Sounds about right. In just a few generations I shall be forgotten by humanity. What sounds like a depressing thought just means I should make the most of my life right now while I have it before another light goes out.

Hi. Sheila.
No, it has not made my hair stand on end. I am so used to the people my wife met and who had similar experiences to you. When I said I am not psychic I meant seeing people. But I am very susceptible to atmospheres. If I go into a house or building where there has been a bad happening or an unhappy experience in the past I want to get out quickly. It feels sad. Likewise there are happy places where I feel comfortable.
I am never surprised at what I hear about such experiences. There is so much we don’t know the reason for. Our ‘vision’ in a psychic sense is very limited. You are right, it is a gift and does seem to be more of a female thing. Perhaps men bottle it up more. I don’t know. I do know that whatever is happening is true. We tend to think logically and in material terms, but what we are talking about has no logic or is certainly not material. I think the problem with belief is that there are so many charlatans about who purport to ‘see’ things when it’s just wishful thinking. WE know when it’s true or false. Well I certainly do. A sixth sense? Maybe, but it’s there. It follows if we have these experiences then as with all effects there must be cause. I do believe that it’s like a window that opens and closes into another world for those who have the gift to see it. A world that is indescribable to those who can’t see and mock those who can. We need take great care who we talk to about this because, like the ‘Boy who saw True’ we can finish up not believing ourselves. In the book he lost his gift because of ridicule and disbelief. Blessings

Hi Sheila, I think I need to correct you slightly. It’s my mum who I lost, my wife thankfully is still with me and will be hopefully for many years to come. She is a cancer survivor so I really do now have a great appreciation for life and its fragility.
I’ve started to go through my mountain of photos! I do need to document or at least write on the backs of them so that I can pass them on down to my daughter to do with what she will.
I’m 46 but I know how time flies by and I have a tendency to put off stuff till next week/month/year!
I do love reading what you have to write and especially your stories about the afterlife. No way I’d call you crackers after some of the stuff I’ve done in the past in the search for the afterlife. My highlight when I was 30 was to wander around St Lawrences Hospital in Bodmin. It was a NHS former mental hospital that had closed about 3 years earlier. It was a huge hospital and I although I visited with a small group of people, I wandered around it all on my own. It had no electricity so was pitch black and because of its size I got totally lost! The purpose for my visit was its reputation and stories of sightings etc. Before you ask, we did have permission to enter and the whole place was boarded up. Suffice to say, I didn’t experience anything other than the cold damp atmosphere of the place. It was pulled down in 2013.
See, now you think I’m mad.
i would love to have some experience of my mum again but alas I don’t think that is going to happen.
I shall have to get onto my photos now. My collection has doubled in size as I now have mum’s too so an even bigger job!
Shaun x

Hi Sheila, you have me fascinated now because I have had things happen to me that I never dared mention at the time.
Like Jonathan, I too get a feeling about a building. When I have purchased a house I usually like to sit on the stairs alone for a while and it will tell me if I can live there or not. On one occasion I loved a smallholding that belonged to a friend when they put it up for sale I was so pleased, we put in an offer but during that night I woke up in a sweat and something was telling me I couldn’t live in that house, the feeling was one of dread. When we moved into another smallholding in the Shropshire Hills I thought it was our dream house, ignored my feelings but my grandmother on her first visit said to me. “You will have nothing but unhappiness here” and boy was she right we moved out just over two years later.
As I got older I picked up on many things. The first was having a strong feeling that something was wrong with my horse, I loved that horse we had grown up together. I immediately went to her field and she had a broken leg and had to be destroyed. Somehow I knew that she needed me. I also picked up that something was going to happen to my father. For months I worried about him but couldn’t say anything to anyone, they would have thought I had gone mad. Dad wasn’t ill, a true sportsman and only in his forties but I just had this horrid feeling. One night the phone went and I immeiately said “Dad’s dead” and he was he had a heart attack while sat watching TV. My ex-husband was in a road accident, I hadn’t been told and was on my way home from work when an ambulance passed me and a voice said “Martyn is in that ambulance”. I arrived home and stood at the front window and watched as the police car turned up our road. I met them at the end of the drive and the policeman said “How did you know we was coming to your house” I did. You couldn’t discuss these things with anyone in those days. Now I truly believe since losing Brian as too many things have happened since. His voice calling me (I wasn’t asleep), I have seen him in our house and had such vivid dreams, smelt his aftershave throughout the night and he has shown me where things are that I didn’t know about.
I have read a book, forgoten what it was called but a true story of a woman that had the gift but when she heard/witnessed things as a child she was considered strange by her parents. As a woman she was able to use her gift eventually and her mother then realised that her daughter had been telling the truth. So yes, I do believe now.
Pat xxx

My husband was a successful commercial artist all his life. I was a graphic designer and when he died, not only did I lose my partner of over 50 years, I lost my creative partner as well. We were self employed and worked in the same home studio although with different clients but we were on the same wavelength.
He died suddenly in July 2018… and it took me a long time to decide on any sort of memorial. The usual things like a bench or a tree didn’t seem to fit, but then of course I realised his memorial was all around me, his artworks and paintings and photographs are what he really cared about. So I have been busy framing and getting prints together. There is a gallery that I can rent to have an exhibition for him. I just hope he will be looking down on me and be as proud of his achievements as I am.

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