@Pat8 NO ONE has the right to berate you, not family, not anyone.
I have a table booked in a pub in Shere (village where they filmed The Holiday) with Sharon’s best friend and husband on Christmas Eve - everyone sings carols in the square by candlelight, but I will stay in the pub. End of. No one gets to tell me how I feel or what I should do - so maybe you should tell your bullying sister to Foxtrot Oscar with her opinion…?
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I imagine that she thinks it will “Do me good!” but has a strange way of saying it. Thank you for replying anyway; it’s a tough time of year for all who have suffered tremendous loss.
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I’m convinced even more now that I am on a different planet. I’m completely disconnected and ‘feelingless’ towards all this Christmas fuss going on. I feel like I’m just a spectator watching (or better still, being forced to watch) one of those soppy unrealistic Xmas films.
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Hello Lonely, I do recognise some of the symptoms, but I also write an email in two different languages. There are even some days when I write the second half of a word in a different language than the first half. There are also some days when I write something and think of something completely different. And afterwards, I cannot even remember what I was going to write in the first place. I think I am going nuts. - It is only 10 months since my brother died. - Does anyone know how long this can go on for? - I hope we all get better soon. - Nick
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In fact, lack of concentration and an inability to focus seem to be very common factors. I’ve suddenly become very forgetful whereas I was always the one who remembered everything, my husband would always say he could rely on me for being so careful and precise. I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
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So sorry you had such a tough time whilst caring for your husband all those years. Things have changed so much with the NHS since I worked in it.
I think it’s because you held so much together and now your brain doesn’t have to, plus grief affects our abilities too, that is making you less capable.
I use lists ALL the time and can still forget what is on it.
Hugs xxx
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Hi @Lonely ,
That didn’t show much caring did it. When I worked in NHS hospitals, many years ago, it was a very supportive community. I wonder why it has changed so. Very sad.
Dear Lonely, yes I recognise the thinks you wrote as well. I have to write it all in an email first and then fix my mistakes again and again. I then copy it onto the website. - You wrote “my mind is racing in front”. Yes I do that as well. - “jumbled up letters” yes that also. Perhaps our brain is trying to protect us and diverts our attention to something else. - I also found out something strange. My reflexes are much better now, compared with the time before my brother died. When I knock something off the kitchen worktop, I can catch it in less than halt the time I used to able to before. I just do not know how I did it. I seem to be able to catch it before my mind noticed it.
- I just looked it up on the internet. Our brainstem: " Your brainstem helps regulate some body functions, including your breathing and heart rate. The brainstem also controls your balance, coordination and reflexes ." (Sorry I lost the link.) - Perhaps our brainstem is in auto mode when we write and it is not in sync with the main part of our brain. Perhaps our brain is trying to protect us. - Nick
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Hi Lonely, you wrote “it is as if I can see what is going to happen before it happens.” - yes, it as if we have practise it for a long time - just like juggling without any effort.
When I was young, my parents thought that I suffered from dyslexia because I had problems concentrating at school. I think it was just because I was not eating enough. And now, I have not eaten much since my brother died, and lost a lot of weight. I also do not eat enough (any) fruit nor vegetables. I just eat hot cross buns with cream or bread with Nutella now. (Not enough vitamins and minerals.) - I am a retired computer programmer and I had no memory problems until my brother died this year. And, I used to remember all my computer programs when I was younger.
I have real problems concentrating now, but not all the time - good days and bad days. - It is not uncommon for people not to find their way back. My mother had some problems too, but she often turned round to check where she cam from. I think it helped. - Nick
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@Solost Yes, totally understand and agree. Everything looks the same, sounds the same but EVERYTHING has changed. Nothing is the same, nothing is real, yes, it is like a never ending film we watch but somehow we’re in it, but disconnected.
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@Lonely It’s just weird - no one understands how we are on this Planet WTF. Family try to help, inevitably make it worse. So glad this group exists, keeps us sane maybe…?
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@Nick22 I sympathise with you losing your brother, but perhaps your partner or others can give you support? Losing a partner is different to anything else.
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@Tim I’m afraid you have to ignore those, they don’t understand. My daughter in law is using my grandkids as a weapon, stopping me from seeing them until I join her orbit of the world revolving around her. Three times I’ve arranged to see my grandkids, and having tried to get me to get off with her mum (totally disgusting) - now every time I arrange with my son to go down there, her Mum then coincidentally comes down so she can substitute for my darling Sharon and play nanny and grandad together. Not happening. Basically, when I “cure” myself I’ll understand that how I feel is irrelevant… My darling Sharon was great at handling stuff like this with in-laws, she’d just say: “I’m not dancing to anyone else’s tune” and we’d carry on, but I’m not good at dealing with people crapping on me, when I’m struggling to get through each day… So, only the others on this Planet can offer any support…
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@Pat8 If its any help, I read recently that: “guilt is the emotion of DELIBERATELY causing someone harm, then regretting it”. As you didn’t harm him deliberately - and dementia is really difficult to deal with - please be kind to yourself…
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@DennisS, so sorry you’re having to deal with this terrible situation with your daughter in law’s mother. They obviously don’t realise how hurtful it is for you. It’s their way of trying to get you to ‘move on’, those horrible words we don’t want to hear. They just don’t realise how much it’s hurting you and increasing your suffering. I know it’s difficult but they really need to be told firmly that they just have to stop this nonsense, if they truly care about you.
Hope you get this all sorted out soon, wishing you well.
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@Solost thanks so much for that.
To be honest, my daughter-in-law has form for doing this over the years, but my darling Sharon was good at dealing with it, but I’m not. I’m getting great support from a counsellor, a couple of other people who “get me” etc, and I’m ensuring that I don’t ever say or do the wrong thing - as guilt would probably put me in an even worse place; if tgat would be possible.
If my darling Sharon had known what her son and his wife would be like, she’d be ashamed of them. But, luckily I’m having the strength to walk away and try to ignore the situation, and only deal and communicate with those who understand - or try to understand - that my soul is ripped to shreds and its tough to just keep going from one day to the next.
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@Lonely Having cared for 3 years for my sweetest soulmate from an initial diagnosis of stage 4 pancratic and liver cancer - including the last 5 months 24/7 in a hospice living at her bedside - I am absolutely certain that love finds another level, maybe primeval, maybe also including caring for a dependent child (?).
So every word of you post makes perfect sense to me. And now of course, there is a potential lack of purpose, while still somehow carrying on… Keep strong…
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Hello DennisS, I have thee new friends and 4 very good neighbours. One of the neighbours is especial to me, she saved my life. She drove me to the A&E where they had to take out 60cm of my intestines. - It was a close call. If they had operated an hour later, I would have died. - I have no family and currently no partner, but two of the other neighbours are also special, more like family. Perhaps even better. - Nick
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Hello Lonely, I have no problem slowing down, just cannot get going. About cleaning my house, I am at the other end of the spectrum. I postpone things all the time. I just renewed my house insurance on the last day yesterday.
I hope your vitamin D level is OK now. Bare in mind that we also need vitamin B. (I take the Boots Vitamin B Complex.) - Nick
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@Nick22 This thread is in the category of “losing a partner” and is specifically about - to those who it has happened to - people who feel transported to another Planet where everything looks and sounds the same, but nothing is real, everything is different and no one else who hasn’t lost a partner can understand.
With the utmost respect for you, and I sympathise for you losing your brother, but I created this post, in this area, for those who have lost their partner.
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