It will be 6 months on Christmas Day, followed by his 66th birthday on the 27th. These dates keep spinning about in my head, and I will be so glad when they have passed. We rarely celebrated Christmas in the traditional manner, but this year I am going to my friends’ family dinner of about 20-25 people. I know it will be a very nice gathering, but I also know how devastated I am going to be when I get back home .
I’m learning about my hidden stress. I had to have another copy done of the will and for the 10 days leading up to that I was in constant tears with triggers going off constantly. I realized I was stressed about having to produce (and possibly read or touch) this horrible document he signed on his death bed. It is now tucked away again, and I hope to never see it again, it repulses me. Perhaps some day I shall burn it. This 6month mark and his birthday have had the same type of stressful effect on me.
And the triggers! Everything is or can be a trigger. Every one of our senses remembers. It feels like I have to remember/envisualize each and every memory to cleanse it with my tears. Such silly things pop up (how he used to cut up the ham for pea soup) - and I’m done for (again/still), a pile of tears. It’s these little memories that cause so much sadness, maybe because I know there will be no new ones for us.
I’m still shedding copious amounts of tears - sometimes I can feel them coming , and sometimes I can stop them, sometimes I can’t or won’t. I am learning to view my sadness so differently. It has so many aspects and levels. There is a genuine, deep sadness that will never leave me. There is a sadness for him, that he had to leave, and a sadness for me because I truly do not know where he went. For him, I hope it was better than here. There is a sadness for me because I am alone.
I needed to say these things. I’ve been bottling them up for awhile. On another note I am still trying, and often succeeding in filling my time with positive endeavours. My move has been a positive thing for me, although it still feels so awkward and strange. I have pictures of his smiling face, and soapstone carvings in plain (frequently visited) view…My cats adjusted great! My view is spectacular! Gazing over these expansive, majestic Cariboo skies, and knowing this is where he wanted to be floods me with thanks and emotion…