It will be 6 months on Christmas Day, followed by his 66th birthday on the 27th. These dates keep spinning about in my head, and I will be so glad when they have passed. We rarely celebrated Christmas in the traditional manner, but this year I am going to my friends’ family dinner of about 20-25 people. I know it will be a very nice gathering, but I also know how devastated I am going to be when I get back home .
I’m learning about my hidden stress. I had to have another copy done of the will and for the 10 days leading up to that I was in constant tears with triggers going off constantly. I realized I was stressed about having to produce (and possibly read or touch) this horrible document he signed on his death bed. It is now tucked away again, and I hope to never see it again, it repulses me. Perhaps some day I shall burn it. This 6month mark and his birthday have had the same type of stressful effect on me.
And the triggers! Everything is or can be a trigger. Every one of our senses remembers. It feels like I have to remember/envisualize each and every memory to cleanse it with my tears. Such silly things pop up (how he used to cut up the ham for pea soup) - and I’m done for (again/still), a pile of tears. It’s these little memories that cause so much sadness, maybe because I know there will be no new ones for us.
I’m still shedding copious amounts of tears - sometimes I can feel them coming , and sometimes I can stop them, sometimes I can’t or won’t. I am learning to view my sadness so differently. It has so many aspects and levels. There is a genuine, deep sadness that will never leave me. There is a sadness for him, that he had to leave, and a sadness for me because I truly do not know where he went. For him, I hope it was better than here. There is a sadness for me because I am alone.
I needed to say these things. I’ve been bottling them up for awhile. On another note I am still trying, and often succeeding in filling my time with positive endeavours. My move has been a positive thing for me, although it still feels so awkward and strange. I have pictures of his smiling face, and soapstone carvings in plain (frequently visited) view…My cats adjusted great! My view is spectacular! Gazing over these expansive, majestic Cariboo skies, and knowing this is where he wanted to be floods me with thanks and emotion…
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Thank you so much for such a heartfelt post. You surely echo what we all feel. My wife and I also did not celebrate Christmas as most do, but being together was enough.
Ah ‘triggers’. My gosh they are all around aren’t they? After more than a year they still pop up for me. It sounds silly but just going to the rubbish bin often does me. My wife used to do it! ‘Pull yourself together’ some one said to me the other day. It was said in a humorous way and it hurt. But he had a point. We are all over the place. As my mother used to say ‘not coming or going’. Shedding tears is fine. It does relieve stress. It’s natures way of doing that. Not crying all the time, but when we feel we want to then do. Bottling up emotions or tears is not good.
Please don’t say never. I have found a little easing of the pain. But I am not you and you will find your own way out of this awful maze we are all in. There is nothing anyone can say at this time of year to help the suffering. Although perhaps I should say that coming here can help.
What a really beautiful picture. Now what promoted you to post that? Is there still some appreciation of beauty? If so you can build on that. The sky; the lake; the trees, lovely! I often have flashes of an appreciation of being alive and able to enjoy nature as my wife did. It reminds me of that lovely poem which begins…
“Do not stand at my grave and weep,
I am not there I do not sleep”
It goes on to say we are in the glint of snow, the flight of birds, the wind.
Sorry, rambling a bit. !!!
Now take care. Do the best you can. ‘He/she did their best’ is a wonderful epitaph for anyone. Blessings.
Even when we are gone from this earth we are still part of nature.
Thank you so much for your post.
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Thank you Heather for the evocative photo…it is strange to think of us all so many miles apart but living under that same beautiful sky ! Perhaps it is only the sky that really separates us from all those who have left us…wherever they “are”, their essence remains within our hearts and souls and so we are never completely without their lovde even when we feel so alone.
Try not to let silly remarks upset you Jonathan…we are all trying to put the pieces of our erstwhile selves together again and will always find little holes where we least expect them…sometimes the bits we think we have patched fall apart again and we have to stitch them again but we keep going because every day is a gift and hope guides us on.
Love and light to the whole world this Christmas and special thoughts to everyone here x
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Dont bottle up your feelings, talk about your loved one, look over pictures of happy days, talk to a counsellor, but never give up, one morning you will get up and smile at the sun, enjoy the spring flowers, the sun on your face, Learn to take time out just to sit with your thoughts, be kind to yourself. But, never, never, bottle up your tears or try to suppress your sorrow. Life will get easier, you will always have your memories. One step at a time, some days the steps will take you back, but other days will lead you forwards. Keep a journal, write down how you feel, but also write the good things that happen, it helped me
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Thank you Jonathan - That is a beautiful poem.
I think that I posted this picture of my view because it gives me those flashes of appreciation of life. This beauty and grandeur makes one feel very tiny, and I gaze on it with awe. Nature does ground, and soothe, and comfort me. There are pathways for walking and I anticipate the bird life this spring.
I was feeling very down (better today) when I made my post. When I look out my window and see this stunning vista, or look around my lovely bright new suite I have to give thanks. Everything, including our 40 years together, has led me to this time & place, and it is up to me to appreciate what I have been given. Thank you again for your kind words…
Wow, what inspirational posts. This type of ‘conversations’ really help me. How you are coping with your life and looking for that glimmer of light.
I agree Heather there is so much around us to be grateful for. We take nature for granted but it is quite beautiful if we just have time to stand and listen and look. Brian used to say “Look around you at all the different colours in the landscape” He was a painter and appreciated this. I find myself doing it all the time now.
I am crying also, more than I would have thought possible but it has to be us showing our love for our loved ones and the intense love we still have for them. This can’t be a bad thing. Perhaps the tears are also for ourselves and what we feel we have lost and the change in our lives. Equally though that our loved ones are not with us to share our life anymore.
I also had a similar poem which I was able to read when we scattered Brian’s ashes in his grandparents grave. One line in particular was poignant.
“Look around you for I am near”. When I visit the grave I find myself looking around, hoping that Brian is near. That he is aware of the flowers I put there every week and that he likes them. That he is aware of my thoughts that he is still in them. That he is still important.
Jonathan, you rambling, never, you always make perfect sense.
Love to you all
Pat xxxx
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Thank you Maurice - I sent you my reply to Jonathan in error. Thank you for your kind thoughts. I do have a semi journal - but I tend to write the negative - I’m going to try accentuating the positive, that’s a good plan.
