Triggers

I too cannot move my husbands things, I tried a couple of weeks ago but it ended in the same floods of tears and putting all his things away. I feel like I’m eliminating him from my life. I feel guilty when I do new things or go somewhere because I feel it should have been me that passed away instead of my husband, if I could swap places with him I would do it ina heartbeat.

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Hi Alston56, thanks for your reply, it’s good to know others feel the same. I agree with your expression of bitter-sweet for the household possessions. Strangely enough, the only thing I have been willing to remove is her name from numerous mailing lists as I am upset receiving unnecessary mail addressed to her.
Best wishes, AL

Hi bjane, just wanted to say that so many of your posts on various threads have expressed exactly what I have been feeling at that time.
I won’t give an example because they are too numerous to list.
I appreciate your comments.
Take care, AL x

Hi when your ready to let some feelings go then do so for the last couple of weeks i have a bottle of wine and the samaritans for company now that’s not brilliant xx

Hi Sally_Belinda, I agree with your comment about guilt when doing new things or going to new places.
But unlike you, I would not want to swap places. I would have been happy to go with her, but I would not have wanted her to go this hell on earth whilst at the same time having to fend for herself.
The loss of a loved one is hard for everyone but in my opinion it is possibly harder for most women than for most men and purely in a practical way. As I said, just my opinion, and you may not agree.
Take care, AL x

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Hello I too feel so envious of my family and friends who still have their husbands, I don’t use the word jealous, but envious. It’s Sunday and here I am alone with nothing but a cup of coffee and my memories and feeling of loss, when will this pain ease? Later I’m joining family to celebrate my youngest grandsons birthday, we driving to the coast. Everyone will ask how I’m doing, I will smile and say taking it one day at a time, my standard answer, they will all be in couples but I’ll be alone, amongst family but still alone.
Whatever today holds for you, you are not alone with that feeling of envy/jealously. Thinking of you.

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We’re in the same dark place Al and it’s so scary and lonely. But it does help to know others feel the same way and it’s not abnormal. I agree about taking your wife’s name from mailing lists. The other day Malcolm got one offering him a funeral plan. A few weeks back that would have decimated me but I must be getting stronger as I just thought how sad it was. And also, I wouldn’t want to change places with him, I’d hate to think of him going through this . Hope your Sunday isn’t too awful x

Carolmae I feel just the same, lovely to be with them but now always the odd one out , so missing your lovely man by your side. And you have a great time with them, laugh and say you’re coping ok, then they go back to their unchanged lifestyle and there you are, twice as lonely. Hope you have a lovely time though. Keep smiling x

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Hello dear bjane. Sorry to butt in but I just wanted to say that 3 years on I still get the occasional post addressed to my husband. But actually, I quite like it. It keeps him alive in the world. He existed. He still exists. Perhaps too soon for you and AL to think like me but just another take on it. Much love xx

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Hadn’t thought of that side of it

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Carolmae,
I feel as you do today - Sunday is already a quiet day, but so much worse with the loneliness. I didn’t get out of bed until 11:00 this morning - I was tucked up with two teddy bears, one which was my wife’s favourite the other our last dog’s favourite, and it just helped me to feel close to them. Now I’m sat alone in our living room, laptop on my knee and radios playing in the background wondering if I have the strength to get through the day.

Earlier in the week, I went to a couple of local supermarkets. That used to be a regular thing for me before my wife passed. With her mobility problems and the degree of pain she was suffering, I used to do the shopping on my own, usually just getting a few bits and pieces to tide us over for 2 or 3 days as both our appetites had been poor for many months.

As I was wandering up and down the aisles looking for enough to tide me over the bank holiday weekend, I couldn’t help but notice some of the things I used to buy specifically for Nicki, or something that we both shared together - her packs of Red Bull, cigarettes and tobacco, bottles of Italian white wine, packets of Fruit Pastilles, Magnum ice lollies that we used to have daily in a mid-afternoon. I could only think of the things that I no longer needed to buy for Nicki, and all I wanted to do was drop my basket and head out of the shop. It made my heart feel so downright heavy, I just wanted to try and escape from that entire thought process.

Some days it just all feels so pointless.

Lovely Crazy Kate, always kind thoughtful words. No I hadn’t really thought about it like that but I suppose keeping his phone charged feels like he’s still with me. I love to see most of the emails but it was the funeral plan one that did it for me. I’m also keeping an old phone of mine on charge as it holds a lovely message from Malcolm which is particularly precious as he was a true Yorkshire man of few words! How I miss him though! Lovely to hear from you, You could never butt in, you always manage to make me feel a bit better. Thank you :heart:How are your roses? Sending love and gratitude Cxx

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We do what we have to do my lovely bjane. I still charge David’s mobile and even send him messages occasionally. My roses are still blooming with even more buds. :heart_eyes: :kissing_heart:

Thank you, I can’t bare to part with her things but the scooter was rattling around and I wanted someone to get the use out of it. I bought it for her 18 months ago and she had so much happy times being able to have days out with the grandchildren. Our last outing was in February to Flamingo land, we had such a lovely day with the grandkids and that memory is burnt into my brain… Her clothes and her wedding dress are in the wardrobe and I can’t even contemplate packing them away, that would be so final , I’m not ready for that and don’t know if I ever will. Life now is just about existing and every day I tell myself I won’t cry but I do. I so miss her and the life we had, one day everything was normal and then the next day she was gone. People tell me all the time that time is a great healer but I can’t believe it will be. I’ve friends and it’s lovely seeing them but nothing will ever replace seeing my darling wife and cuddling her, holding her hands and the smell of her hair, grief is so painful, what I’d give to have her beside me.

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Yes people do say time is a great healer, to try and make us feel better, but we are never going to be healed are we. The only thing that would heal me would be to have Malcolm back again. Time probably just eventually helps us accept what has happened , nothing more. Our broken hearts aren’t going to mend any time soon. , that’s for sure.Chas. hold on to that lovely memory of the trip to Flamingo land as tight as you can. No need to do anything with your wife’s clothes. if they make her feel close to you they can stay forever. I don’t see myself moving Malcolm’s things, ever, it just makes me feel he’s not so far away and still sharing this house that we renovated together. I try not to cry, too, but it still seems to happen every day, usuallyunexpectedly. Yesterday I was out with a friend and she looked at me very intently and said”How are you feeling, really?”The smile was gone and I couldn’t speak.
And Alston, supermarket shopping gets me tearful every time. Same as you. it’s seeing the things that they liked and you’re not buying any moreIn my case, it’s jelly babies for when he was having a hypo. anything vegetarian, peanut butter and celery. Stupid little things, but heartbreaking nonetheless. Crazy Kate, I bought him an anniversary card last month, from the shop where he always bought mine . Glad your roses are still lovely. Love to all xxx

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No dear bjane, we are never going to be healed. But we are strong and we do learn to live with our loss. It can never be the same but as I have said before, we live with them in our hearts. I’ve also said that my husband may have died but he’s not dead. I like the quote from Terry Pratchet,

'Do you know that a man is not dead while his name is still spoken?’

If that’s the case then our men will be alive forever, well certainly as long as we’re alive.

Great that you bought a card. I hope it gave you some comfort bjane. Much love xx

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So reassuring Kate and so true! We’ll
never let them go will we, I even found myself reading his horoscope the other day. Should be Crazybjane, not Crazy Kate! Lots of love xxx

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Dear Princess310294
I am so so sorry for your loss. I too lost my son suddenly just over 2 months ago. I am absolutely devastated & have no idea how I’m going to get through the rest of my life without him. He was so happy, loving, caring & funny. I miss him more than words can say. I list my mum to suicide when I was 5 & my gran to suicide when I was 6. I feel like I’ve already been dealt a lifelong sentence now my life is utterly broken. My heart aches for my other son, they were best friends as well as brothers. Life is so cruel. I am fortunate to have wonderful family and friends supporting me but they don’t know (thankfully) exactly how I feel deep down. The longing & yearning to hold him is so overwhelming it hurts so much.
Sending love and strength to you :broken_heart: x

We are very similar in many ways my dad took his own life 17 years ago like yourself i struggle each day with the loss of Ryan my heart goes out to you i still have his Facebook account running and the messeges are a comfort to me im here if you are having a bad day :heart::heart:xx

Oh gosh yes very similar, my son is called Ryan too, he was 22 when we lost him :broken_heart:
How old was your beloved Ryan? How did he pass away? My son was confirmed sudden arrhythmia death syndrome (SADS) they couldn’t find a thing wrong with him, which in some ways makes it harder to accept as it was so sudden & no cause. We all now have to undergo tests, which is worrying but also good.
I’m so sad & sorry for you & am here to message/talk anytime you want to x