Trying to accept Mums not coming home

My mum didnt wake up on the morning of 10th December 2016. She had been ill with her lungs throughout the year but after a big op in the october, we thought she was on the mend. To get the phone call and rush to my parents home was such a daze as mum was ok in our minds, the ambulance men were there and she would be fine. The words from him of im sorry shes gone made my legs give way. Mum was 62, i was 40 and was and still fo feel like a little girl lost without my mum. Ive still got so much anger that she was taken and can only see one day ahead at a time. I really am struggling at the moment to look at a future as it seems without mum in it how can i smile and be happy again? Im so protective over my dad now but then ive always been a daddys girl, until losing mum it never occured to me about when the time comes for dad too, i cant bear to think of it. Even now i feel my past has dissappeared as it was all my mum and dad, not just dad. Im trying to help my children deal with a losing a nan they adored but behind closed doors im a wreck. I saw a lady from Cruse until december then as id had 6 sessions she told me if needed further help to re-refer. My mums birthday is coming up and motherd day and i dont know how ill cope. I contacted Cruse to be told they cant see me again as ive had my 6 sessions. The worst thoughts come into my head, especially at night 1) my mums gone, shes left us and even though i try distract myself i then get the thought “and shes not coming back”. This is the major struggle, as soon as thats in my head, i cant breathe and a panic attack comes on. I just dont know how to deal with the fact that whenever i vidit dad now, mum will never be home again.

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Hi Claire,

I’m so sorry to hear that you’ve lost your mum, and are struggling with your emotions and suffering from panic attacks. It’s really common to find the run-up to birthdays and significant dates like Mother’s Day extra difficult.

I’m glad that you’ve found this Online Community, and I hope it helps even a tiny bit to be able to share your feelings here. You aren’t alone in how you are feeling, and you may find it helpful to have a read of some other recent posts in the Losing a Parent section of the site, to see what other people’s experiences have been.

I’m sorry to hear that Cruse haven’t been able to offer you any more support. Here are a few suggestions of other places you could try for support:

  • You can make an appointment with your GP and ask to be referred to counselling or other support services in your local area
  • You can use the NHS IAPT scheme to search for psychological therapies in your local area.
  • If you’re employed, check whether your employer offers an Employee Assistance Programme and what help you might be entitled to under this scheme

Mind also has some information on coping with panic attacks, which you may find helpful.

If there’s anything I can help with, or you have any questions about this Online Community, you can get in touch with me on online.community@sueryder.org or send me a private message.

Priscilla
Community Manager

Aw you poor thing.i can relate to loosing my mum.also I fully understand where your coming from.your mums your everything strength hope and love.best friend.i think it’s awful Cruse turned you away how dare anybody tell you how long to grief or how.theres no time on grief .no right or wrong way.id taken care of both my parents after they lost there son tragically.it distroyed them both.my dad died of cancer 2002.very sad but it was expected.still it’s my dad and I missed him.but still kept busy carring for my mum.she died suddenly in her sleep 2003 what a horrific shock.i fell to bits.id still make her tea in the morning.set her tray all the missing pieces from my life.id lost my mum best friend and job all in one…I had my children grown up 21 and 23. I was grieving so badly .then within 8 weeks the biggest blow ever my child 23 tragically taken from me.i have to say I didn’t get chance to grieve my mum.my life was then distroyed for ever .no loss like a child.its a diffrent type of grief altogether.my heart aches daily.who knows where I’d be had the ultimate shock hadn’t happened.would I have came to terms with the loss of my mum …sadly I will never know.i do understand I needed my mum like I needed my children.i now suffer all the anxiety PTSD chronic depression etc etc I hardly leave my home without fear.i see no hope for tomorrow it’s like waiting to die .and I am 57. Nobody truly understands or gets why after 15 years iv got worse not better.grief is like a disease .my heart goes to you .please look up Cruse helpline they now offer a councillor online .its someone you can express your inner feelings to.my loss of my mum broke me.my family didn’t really get it.i remember them saying after the ultimate shock of my child.thank god mum went first.i remember thinking no I need her.shed hold me understand me.shed also beamed the pain of loosing her child tragically .just of late I find it so difficult to find any hope or reason to go on.my youngest is now independent of me 37. I feel nothing to stay around suffering for.although I know how much he loves me …yet I feel he don’t need me in the way he once did.then guilt sets in .i should stick around he calls he needs to know I am here if needed.mostly I can do it with that mindset but to be honest when things get so hard it’s like I loose control of my mind…my mum once said I won’t always be here.i stoped her saying don’t say that.she made me listen saying please just remember when I am gone yes your sad but you have your children .so you havnt lost your life.i guess she was talking from her experience of loosing her child…and I did often remember her words.yet it wasn’t to be for long .as I said 8 weeks after the ultimate shock and horror.never in a million years in April 2003 as I sat with my children in the church did I ever imagin I’d be Barack within 2 month burying my child.life is so so crule …please stay in touch I am here for you.in your hour of darkness .i can’t change what your going through .but I am here xxxx

Thank you so much for sharing your own personal tragedies with me. It seems that i was so sheltered when i was younger and hurt and grief was kept away from us. My mum was 1 of 9 children and our family huge, my nan being the matriach, i worshipped the ground she walked on and when cancer took my nan in 1992, i grieved for 18 years as didnt know how to deal with the hurt. Two years before we lost mum, i miscarried at 13 weeks, the baby came away at home, fully formed but so tiny and it was mum who i turned too, who i needed the hugs from the most. The year after, sept 15, mum lost another sister. Then in 2016 we had already been to 3 funerals by the summer, mum herself said please no more this year. Little did we know it would be our own mums. Dad always had a saying that he never used to say goodbye to mum when went anywhere, always see you later and thats what we said at the funeral, i read the eulogy to make it personal to my mum and even carried mum with my nephews and family members. People commented how well i did that day, my response is always the same, mum held and carried me for 40 years, it was my time to carry her. I tell my 3 sons that their nan is now spending nan time with our Angel baby but trying to deal with their grief aswell as my own is so very hard xx

Aw bless you.so you know also the pain of loosing a child.my heart aches and aches for you.yes I can see how much you’d needed your mum that saddest dark day of your life.you must miss those hugs so so much.yes it would have been my mum who would have hugged and hugged me.i didn’t get that many except from my child just 21 at the time.and just like your dad we never once said by we would always say love you and see you soon.they were my last spoken words to my son on the phone.untill two days later that call was one no mother should ever take his best friend.thats the day my world completely fell apart .his brother carried him along with other family members.and read the ulogy.where he gained this inner strength from is past all comprehension.the day to me is still a bit of a blur.someone did say after the church youv done the worst bit now.aw no I said the worst is living with what iv had to do today.i remember wanting my mum so badly I know I’d have sat by her side with my head on her lap she hold me.so I guess I was grieving my mum also yet didn’t know how to cope with the two griefs within months.if it wasn’t for the mental health support I receive.only god knows what I’d do.even with this support .not one day I wake without that dreaded knotted stomach.i hav3 to force myself out of my bed telling myself hours will soon pass.then the morning will be over .its always waiting for night.and then I get little sleep.now my eating disorder I developed 5 years after my son died.has slowely creped back into my life.so again my weight is dropping .to me I say if only I could eat a proper meal.my cpn says it’s something I control.as I lost control of my life.i don’t see that myself.i simply can’t eat .theres no pills to ease this pain no solution to it ever ending.so many people just say the wrong words to me.not helpfull .when all I need is a hug and a smile not judging me or saying let him go .they of course don’t intentionally hurt me but they do.so I little if never talk on my suffering to my family any more…I made one friend 8 years ago through my cpn.shed visit me every day we’d spend our time holding comforting each other as she’d also lost her dearest mum then her daughter.so we understood each other.then sadly last June she got diagnosed with cancer and died in July only weeks after.i remember been with her getting the diagnoses.to me she died that very moment the dr told her .for th3 few weeks we had together she’d talk only on when she’d get better and how again we’d be spending all our time together.wed always say friends forever never to part .wed say we’d grow old together die together.nobody understands my loss of my friend well they never ask how I cope daily without her calling and visiting.it seems we both have suffered so much loss left with emptiness .id only take my friend into my child’s room she had patience to listen to my stories .how my heart was now broken forevermore .wed say to mums hearts as one and hold each other.now I go in alone so so sad .its nearly 8 month now since my dearest friend died she was also my grieving partner.i get so tired of just survival for others when I spend most of my time alone .life sucks past my understanding.all the love from my aching heart I send to your loving aching heart …we can but keep trying to find our way …xxxx

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