Trying to forget

I don’t know where to start I lost my mam October 4th 2023 she had lung cancer and copd and I was caring for her right up till she died I took care of everything for her ! I feel completely broken without her it’s like I’m trying to forget so it doesn’t hurt I know this isn’t a good coping mechanism because as soon as I remember she isn’t home I feel like she just died there and then it’s literally soul destroying I feel like I’m going round in loops when my husband ask me if I’m okay or ask why I am crying and I get snappy I don’t meant too but I just snap a little I generally don’t know how to cope I feel so empty and lost ! When she died I took my. Her dog he is nearly 17 his going through the motions with me I’m trying so hard to keep him going but something always seems to be wrong with him costing me an arm and leg but I feel he is the last part of my mam and I need to keep him alive ! I’m just so lost my other sister I feel are coping better than me i just smile and say I’m okay when infact I’m breaking inside I just don’t know what to do anymore. Here’s a picture of buttons her doggy I’m trying to keep him strong I know his missing her so much too

7 Likes

I am so sorry for your loss.
And i feel exactly the the same way.
I lost my partner a couple of months ago.
She had 3 cancers over the last 7 year with the last 2 being lung cancer with copd…
I feel lost cheated angry.
She was 54 and would of been 55 last month.
I couldn’t talk about it and still cannot to the people around me.
I almost break outcin tears in the day but control it.
When im on my own at night i carnt control it i cry every night.
I keep this brave face on all day.
I have only recently found this website and it seems to help some writing about it even if i carnt talk about it.
I hope it helps you.
We can only take it one day at a time and hope that our pain starts to fade.
But we are all here for you anytime you want to talk.
you are not alone.
You are in my prayers.

2 Likes

See I want to talk about her alot but at the same time that makes me think oh no she is gone I just can’t even get my head round it I still feel as she is at home I message her what’s app all the time thank good no one has that number yet or they will be like oh my word this lady needs help haha ! I kept on looking up sites to see what was available to me and this kept coming up ! I really hope you and I start to feel some sort of being human again coz right now I’m just not feeling it xx

3 Likes

Dear Vden, I completely identify with your situation, what a lovely little dog you have, I know something about loss and sadness, my twin brother died from a brain tumor in september 2021, the day he died was the last day my mother left the house…alive, he died at ten to 12, I am slightly clairvoyant and knew he had gone, while we were in the hair dresser the call came through from his tearful wife confirming what I all ready knew.

My mother battled with dementia for 4 years and I was her principle carer, I found my self tacking responsibility for her end of life care, it was as hurendas as it gets and one more week would have broken me, in the final 6 months I was on call 24/7, even during the war, most people got there sleep most of the time, I did not have that luxury, the country was at war with covid, resources were stretched, and I was forced to step up to the plate, my mother was from the war time generation and at 14 took the place of another girl called up to the wrens as a qualified commercial secretary in shorthand, typing and bookkeeping, all my family are gone and it was down to me, the hospice was full, the care homes were full( and full of covid thanks to bloody Hancock) so I was struggling on my own for most of the time and it ended on the 5th of january with her passing in my arms, something i am yet to process, I was put under a mental health nurse, I have hypertention,depression and ptsd and trying to keep off antidepressants as these have there own issues, I was a mental and physical wreck, and still am and felt like a bomber pilot who has flown 100 missions in 100 nights, I was at the very end of my resources, it was a case of who was going to give out first, me or my mother, she was 95 but it was a close run thing, I compare it to fighting a war, but knowing you are going to be on the loosing side, so there is no hope, her body was removed the same night from her lounge and I curled up in a sleeping bag, I would have gone the same way, but I was found.

As a 14 year old I watched my grand mother die from cancer, this was 1974, and I saw things that no 14 year old should see, but my mother was working at that age and there was a war on, and I have inherited her sense of values and duty, you do what is required off you at the time, and you do your best, I’m sure that is what you did for your mother, and that is all any of us can do, I have seen enough death for a lifetime.

I hope your husband will give you the time and space you need to greive, that takes its own process and can catch you off guard, 3 weeks ago I was in a very dark place and sometimes I still am, I live alone so there is no one to motivate me and I have to drive myself all the time, its not easy and I do ask my self what is the point?, bhut that would be a cop out as well as a sin and I, like you, must find my own salvation, reinvent myself and rebuild my life and while it is know 11 months seems only yesterday, my mothers passing was not the end, only the end of the beginning and Im have had to deal with corrupt utility companies and an incompetent lawyer who did not understand my dads will, I sacked her, could have done without the stress.

Blessings be upon you, may the good lord give you the strength, courage and fortitude to battle on and find your happy place, message me anytime, I will reply.

Timxx

4 Likes

Exactly why i dont want to talk about it.
If i dont talk about it then maybe it’s not true.
She is still alive and i can pretend that she is going to walk through the door at any time.
I now i am in denial but that’s the only way i can cope at this time.

3 Likes

I know exactly how your feeling as I’m feeling the same, I can’t accept my mum hasr gone Dr said I’m still in shock it’s been just under 7 weeks and I keep thinking I’ll open my eyes from this nightmare and she’ll be sitting in her chair or she’ll phone me in a minute but the phone never rings I’ll never hear her voice again or see her smile only on a photo I’ll never have another hug from her so I wrap her scarf around my kneck just so I know she’s there, I know my life will never be the same, it’s only my 2 children and my dad keeping me alive right now they are the reason I have to carry on they are the reason I get up every day even when I don’t want to face it I have to for them if I didn’t have them what would be the point, I just want my mum.

4 Likes

Hello Lucy, you poor thing, lost my mother in January and still miss her like mad, she died at home in my arms just the way she wanted leaving me with hypertension, ptsd, and depression, I know live alone, at least you have someone to get up for in the morning, and that is good, I got in to my sleeping bag after her body was removed and would have gone the same way had I not been found, I might as well not exist most of the time, the world would carry on without me, and only my sis in law would note my passing, no one else, I must wait for the next life to meet again,that might not be long as twin brother dead already due to brain tumor, I am on borrowed time, and can’t wait for the end.

blessings be upon you. :heart:

Timxx

4 Likes

Sorry for your loss, the day she left I would of gone with her as I sat hugging my mum for the last time but I new she wouldn’t want me to do something so stupid as to put my girls in the position of also losing their mum, so I won’t be going anywhere I’ll rebuild what I had I’ll learn to adjust without her I have to so I’m not completely consumed, if I keep talking I’ll get there one day hopefully as I can’t carry on like this I’m too exhausted I’m hoping one day this black space I’m in Will eventually become lighter and the heavy weight I feel I’m carrying on my shoulders will disappear I just need to give myself the space to grieve, things are looking a big clearer today, now I couldn’t say that the past 7 weeks so talking on here has really helped, keep talking to people we are all going though similar situations were we have lost a loved one, reach out and ask your GP for help mine put me in touch with a bereavement service and I’m just waiting on my one to one councillor, I need to claim my life back that my mum gave me, it’s just going to take time to do that, but with the right help, I know I can and I hope you can too take care and look after yourself.

1 Like

Bless you Lucy, I know just ware you are coming from, and the loss of a mother, is an irredeemable one.

You must stay strong for your girls, they, are your future know, honour your mother
by keeping them safe, by being a good role model and being a good mother and bringing them up well, make your mother proud of you by doing that.

You say you want to forget.?, we should remember those we have lost, and in so doing honour the example they set us how to live our lives, you have lost the matriarch of your family, YOU, are know that matriarch, and must take up ware your mother left off for your self, your girls and your family.

Take your time, do not be rushed into doing anything you do not have to do, my mental health nurse told me to wait at least a year before doing anything precipitant, grief effects you in many ways, and can make rational decision making difficult, but only you know how you really feel, don’t let anyone else tell you otherwise, including your counsellor.

I too have had dark thoughts, and I very nearly went the same way after the first week, bereavement kills thousands of older people every year,this is NOT suicide, it DOES effect the heart, and for people with a heart condition it is very dangerous, the one left behind just turns over and gives up, often gone in a week or two and it is as deadly as pneumonia and I have seen it happen, if you feel ill you must go to your doctor.

Blessings to you, and your family, may you find the inner strength, courage, and forbearance to find your way to a happier place, and to grant you peace.

Timxx

1 Like

I never said I wanted to forget I’ll never forget the years leading up to her final prognosis I’ll never forget the pain in her eyes trying to deal with what she was facing, I’ll never forget seeing her in pain every day wishing I could take it away, I’ll never forget having to be the one to tell my brother and sister the cancer was going to kill her, when mum didn’t want us to even know, I’ll never forget the day the day before she died when I hugged her tight told her me and my girls loved her so much and it was ok we would be ok even if I did lie she could hear what I was saying as she squeezed my hand and I sat there holding it not wanting to let go and I’ll never forget the day after when she died and I wasn’t there, so no I don’t think I will ever forget, she was everything not only my mum she was my best friend we did everything together just wish I could of gone with her.

1 Like

I am so sorry Lucy for your pain and sorrow, and it was the same for me, and I knew the day when my mother would not see the morning, I am not suggesting you forget, off course you wont and maybe ‘trying to forget’ is the wrong title for this site, its a heart bracking situation, I have seen the fear in my own mothers eyes, and cancer, like dementia, is a terrible killer and as a 14 year old I watched my grand mother die from it in 1974, my mother died in my arms, I was at once put under a mental health nurse by my gp and for the last 6 months of my life I hardly slepped being her principle carer and I was effectively in charge of her end of life care, she wanted to die at home, the care homes and hospice were full of covid and I had to step up to the plate and no one should have to do that for a relative and certainly not with out medical training and I was trying to look after her in frankly less then wartime conditions and it broke my health, Battle of Britain spitfire pilots got more rest then I did, I was 24/7, for months, and the last week I held her hand day and night, she was my mother, it was the least I could do, she asked me to keep her ashes and I have made them the centre piece of a wall memorial to my family.

grief I am afraid, is the price we pay for love.

2 Likes

I’m sorry I didn’t mean to upset anyone in my post I was just trying to say how I felt and this is currently how I am feeling at this moment I time I don’t ever want to forget my mam I just at this moment in time feel like forgetting drops all the pain I’m sorry if I have upset anyone

1 Like

No Vden, on the contrary, I was under the impression I had upset you, no, no offence taken, its a ghastly business coping with a dying loved one at the best of times.

I have probably been in the line of fire more and taken more flack, but that is the luck of the draw and we all have are cross to bear and that was my Dunkirk and Battle of Britain, I have survived, shot up and damaged but will probably come through it as I am sure you will.

I know you are feeling down and I know how I felt and at times still feel, you must be strong for your girls, give them all your love, and make your mother proud off you, she will walk beside you every day, and will be there for you iun difficalt times, spirit and soul has the ability to be iun more then one place at once, in the fullness of time you will be reunited with your mother.

I am going to recommend 3 books to you, You are not alone, by Gillian Lloyd, the founder of grief cast,. Climbing out of depression by Sue Atkinson, and the third is survival of the soul by Lisa Williams, a medium, clarevoyant and spiritual healer.

I hope they will raise your spirit, and you find them uplifting.

Try to enjoy your weekend, take the girls out with you for lunch or something, or just a coffee,walk in the park with the dog,(weather permitting) do things together that lift your spirits, it will be good for all of you.

Peace be with you.

Timxx

2 Likes

We aren’t saying we will forget it’s just our way of coping with it at this time.
Untill the pain gets a little easier.
I now exactly what you mean .

3 Likes