Trying to go on without my beautiful husband/ Soulmate

Its just over 7 weeks since Steve passed away so suddenly. He was just 58. He was the love of my life we did everything together, we also worked together running our business. We were so blessed, our lives were entwined and we truly lived life to the full.
We had so many plans for our future, We loved Spain and had been looking at a small apartment to move into in September this year. We had mulled over it for a couple of years and decided that life’s too short, let’s go for it.

I just cant believe Steve has gone. I’m so heartbroken, its so so painful. We were so happy. All our plans have gone now, it breaks my heart.
I just find myself lying in bed for days on end, it so hard to get out of bed. Strangely, though I feel quite safe there. I know its not healthy for me but I just don’t have the will to attempt to move or even try to do anything. The only time I go out now is to my doctors for more medication.

I can’t imagine any life without Steve. Does this really get better.
I have read so much on this community site which i know we can all relate to. I’ve also read so many books about grief and how people try to deal with it. I know I need to try and help myself but I just feel so lost. Nothing means anything to me any more, nothing to look forward too. I’m just so empty.
How do you get through such heart ache. Xx

Hi Geri im very sorry for your loss (im 15 months into my nightmare ).My advice is this take it day by day dont plan want to dont have to .7 weeks is very very early in your nightmare .Do you have friends or family to talk to ? theres also the Samaritians there open 24 7 365 .Try give yourself some me time .Unfortunately your nightmare will patiently wait for you to return to it .Dont be a stranger on here (maybe pick a member and private message them i do at times )Priscilla community manager will be able to help as well pm her ? keep coming back we are all in nightmares at different stages Colin (im 57 my Denise was 41 she passed 04032016 on her birthday

Thank you for your message Colin p

Yes I have my daughters who take turns to stay with me in the evenings. I know they can’t stay long term as they have their own homes and lives. I am so blessed in that respect. I have read so many messages on here where people are totally alone, that really breaks my heart.

My nightmare is very raw I know, but I feel like I’m not coping at all. I use to be confident and friendly .I feel nothing now I don’t even want to talk to anyone. I don’t recognise myself. I’m so numb
The days are so long and meaningless.

For the past 12 years, Steve and I ran our business together. shared an office. I know its all falling apart at the moment, but I really don’t care. I know it sounds so selfish of me but it doesn’t mean anything now without Steve. We were a team. People are advising me to keep it going in Steve’s memory, and to give me focus. I just can’t.

We were supposed to be semi retiring in September to spend our free time in Spain, He used to call it our second home.

Everything changed in a split second. He had a blood clot in his heart and passed away suddenly. I found him on the floor. It was just two days after we returned from a lovely holiday in Spain. I feel so sorry for Steve, he was so looking forward to our happy future together.
My heart is truly broken.

Take care and thank you Colin xx

Hi Colin p

So sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind words x

Hi Geri, I am so so sorry. It is three years for me and when he first died, I was in shock, living on auto pilot. The one thing that kept me going was I had to get out of bed every morning as I had our German Shepherd dog to look after. If I hadn’t. I would never have got up again. There was nothing to get up for. He was my lifesaver, he needed me to take him out and feed him. He honestly got me through these last three years otherwise I don’t know what would have happened. I searched online for other women in the same position as myself and could not believe just how many there were, I was 71 when I lost my husband, he was 68 and we had been together 50 years. I met him on Saturday the 29th August, 1964 and he died exactly 50 years to the day I met him, Saturday 30th August, 2014. Reading these other peoples posts actually helped me such a lot, because many of them were so much younger than I was when they lost their husbands and it made me think how grateful I should be for having all those wonderful years with him. Seeing our sons married and seeing our grandchildren. You must get up in the morning, just put one foot in front of the other. You are not alone, we are all going through this heartache and in time we will learn to live with it. We will never, ever get over it, but we will learn to live with it. When I see young children dying of cancer and other illnesses it puts everything into perspective because we met and married the love of our lives and no-one can ever take away our memories. I remember more about what happened in the past than I do now. I think it is because in the past I was at my happiest, my husband was with me and we had a lovely family, now I am not making many memories as our children and grandchildren have their own lives and are making their own memories which is as it should be. You look after yourself and know you are not alone in this. xxxx

Hi Colin p I am so sorry for your loss. You were both so young when your wife passed. It makes me think how grateful I should be that my husband and myself had 50 wonderful years together before he died. When it first happened I said I wish it had been me that had died instead of my husband but our sons told me that their dad would not have lived long after my death as we were joined at the hip, where one went, so did the other. We never spent a night part unless I was in hospital having our children. I am so glad I am 74 now, and I look at it this way, three years since my beloved husband died but I am three years closer to seeing him again. I get up each morning as I have our German Shepherd dog to look after, once I am up I do everything on auto, same thing day in and day out. It would have been our Golden Wedding anniversary this September so I have got to get through that, I will. When I am in the garden our Barney (GSD) sits on the lawn and looks through the back window of the house and waits for his dad to come out and it breaks my heart, after three years, he still sits and waits for him. You take care Colin, we are all in this nightmare which will never end.xx

Hi I’m new to this site my wife passed away 11 weeks ago from a 2 year battle with cancer every thing you said I am feeling. I come home from work and just feel empty and alone even though there is people around me. I feel as though I am living through the nightmare every day and nowhere to turn

I lost my wonderful husband 8 weeks ago. Suddenly, unexpectedly a massive blood clot. Talking to me one minute, dead seconds later. We were, like you soul mates, my only love and coping without him is so hard. We were a,ways together and like you, had so many plans yet to enjoy. I get up, do the usual daily chores but they seem meaningless and certainly joyless. I have family, some near some far but their love for me sees me through each day. I cope because he would have wanted me to and I have a dog that relies on me to care for her. I also do it out of my love for him and I want to honour his love and memory by getting in with life. Some days I drag myself out of bed and wish I could climb back in and stay there, but I know I am the one who has to live with my actions and the longer I wait for ‘things to get better’ the longer it will take to start to heal. I hope you find the strength to start on the long road to coping on your own, one day at a time. Set yourself a small,target, get up get showered and dressed eat breakfast. Each day it will get easier and you will cope, slowly, hourly, daily. Some days will be as bad as ever, but by the. you have climbed out of your sorrow before, you can do it again. Keep,strong, talk about him, cry be angry it all heals.

Yes, alone yet surrounded by people, it’s weird isn’t it. I hope the pain lessens for you as I hope it does for me. The future seems a struggle and what direction my life will take frightens me. However, I know only I can deal with this in my own way, whatever your way is, is right for you and having people,here who you just know understand without needing to explain is such a comfort to me.

Like you the future frightens the he’ll out of me as dot was my world she always said I was her rock but I drew my strength from her

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How funny you should comment on that. my husband always said I was the strong one, I was but it was because he was beside me . Now, making every decision on every aspect of my life just seems an insurmountable task. Every decision right or wrong is mine, my kids are great, they listen… but their opinion is not what his would have been and discussions just don’t seem the same. I guess we have been together so long we really knew what direction things were going for us but life threw me this huge curved ball, no warning no chance to say goodbye, seconds and he was gone. I think the shock is really only just hitting me, you plod on doing what has to be done and then all the legal, official stuff is over and you have the rest of your life to get on with, a new normal… 20 plus years alone… terrifying. Eventually maybe a new friend or relationship even more terrifying!! So I deal with today, coffee now and pick the fruit than needs dealing with, how much blackcurrant cordial do I really need :slight_smile:

Hi Lonely

I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband.

I know I’m not alone in this awful journey. I have read so many posts on this community where some people have no family support at all, which truly breaks my heart.

The love from my children and my grand children are the reason I keep going.
Maybe I’m feeling sorry for myself, I really don’t mean too, but I can’t express my feelings any other way than the way I have.

This new life scares me so much, any future without the love of my life is so frightening. Steve was my rock, I have never been the strong one, or ever lived alone before, I’m just finding it so overwhelming,

I’m still in total shock that Steve is not here anymore, it’s still so raw and surreal for me at the moment.

I will try though to get up and do something each day. I do know that’s what Steve would have wanted me to do.
Thank you for your supportive words.

Geri xx

My husband, Peter also died 7 weeks ago tomorrow. Unlike Steve, he had been ill for some time, and I thought that might make it easier for me to accept. It doesn’t. Like you, it is so painful. At least, we have found this website where other people know what we’re going through, and are there to share our pain… I think all we can do at the moment is take things a day, or even an hour at a time, and try and support each other. People who haven’t been through this mean well,but they have no idea what it’s like.

Hi Mickey

I’m so so sorry for your loss.

It truly is a nightmare we are going through, we now realise the raw pain of losing the love of our lives. It’s just so heartbreaking to think we have to start this life we never asked for and never wanted.

Although I have family around me, talking to people who truly understand how you feel, helps me on my grief journey. They are going through the same heartbreak.

I have found the Sue Ryder community site has given me a lot of comfort, you know your not alone.
I also joined partners bereavement group on Facebook. it was recommended to me by a lovely lady on this community site.
I find that, connecting to support groups online, allows you talk to people who are sadly going through the same awful pain.
You can post exactly how your feeling. Everyone is in different stages of their grief and can offer advice when you need it.

Keeping your grief to yourself, keeps your emotions locked in, which I’m told isn’t good for us.

I have been experiencing terrible bouts of intense grief since Steve passed away to the point where I don’t move out of bed for days on end.
I look for support online during my terrible lows… it does help.

We are all on this heartbreaking journey which we didn’t sign up for!!

We are here to help each other.

Keep posting Mickey

Take Care Geri x

Geri, we have every right in the world to feel sorry for ourselves, if we can’t feel sorry for ourselves now we never will be able to. We know other people are going through the very same thing and in a way that helps because we know we are not alone in this heartache. As the days, weeks, months and in my case years have gone by, I still say good morning love and good night love to my husband’s photo at the side of my bed. When I have had to go out, I say I won’t be long, when I get back I say I’m home. I have done that since he died. I was talking to a friend who lost her husband to cancer at the age of 58, he died 20 years ago and when I told her what I did she said she does exactly the same. I remember shortly after my husband died I was getting a shower and the extractor ceiling fan in the bathroom dropped on the top of my head. The lights went out in the kitchen, needing new tubes. A door came off it’s hinges, I had a leak from the water tank in the loft, water was leaking through a window from the extension on the house. There was no reason for any of it as everything had been okay before, it all happened within two weeks of him dying. I looked at my late husbands ashes and said ‘are you doing this on purpose’. We both talked about it in general when he was a fit man and decided that whoever was left behind would keep their late partners ashes and when the other person dies the ashes will be scattered together in a place of our choosing. Our sons and I went last year to our favourite place in Devon where we had gone since we were married in 1967 and I showed the boys where to scatter our ashes. I am a great believer in the afterlife and I know I will see my husband and family again one day. To be honest, that is what keeps me going. I still watch our wedding video, look at our photos and play our music and I still cry on a night when I am in bed. What is so strange is that when I close my eyes, I don’t see the poorly man he had become over the three years he was very ill, I see the tall, handsome young man I married all those years ago. That is the very first thing I see. I remember what I wore when I first met him, what he was wearing, what he said, what I said and what we had to drink in the bar at the Mecca Locarno. It is as if I am watching a film of us. You take care Geri, you have to get through it day by day, week by week. Scream if you want to. I screamed into the cushions and pillows all the time, I still cry on a night for what I have lost we will never, ever get over it, but we will get through it by living on a daily basis. Sending all my love. Sheilaxxx (Lonely)

Hi Lonely That was truly beautiful and heartbreaking. What you said about things going wrong made me think about myself as ever since my husband, Phil, died I have had all the ailments he had i.e. sciatica, back pain. I used a walking stick for the first time yesterday because of the sciatica. I never understood how much the pain was. I also believe in the after life and I felt my hubbie so close this morning because I dreamt of him last night. I say good morning and good night and I love and talk to him all the time around the house and joke about not being able to cook not that he is not here and all things like that. Some days I feel okay and then other days I feel like crying until there is no tomorrow but we have to get up and get on with it but I mostly hate it with a passion. My grandkids miss Phil so much. The two younger ones we think can see him but the other grandkids cry on a regular basis mostly after they have dreamt about him wanting him back. I miss them rushing in shouting and hugging him. It must have been his persona. I love and miss him so much. We spent nearly forty years together and he was always the go to person. He always said he knew a little about a lot of things. I miss the banter between us, knowing the love we had. 63 is no great age now. Big hugs to you xx

Hi Colleen, you are having similar things happen to you what happened to me. I think our loved ones stay around to make sure we are okay. Our 11 year old granddaughter has seen my husband, she was in her bedroom getting ready for school and when she looked in the mirror, she saw him sat on her bed then he vanished, she ran downstairs crying and shaking and told her mum and dad. She feels taps on her shoulder and she hears him calling her. The lights used to go off in her bedroom and it frightened her so I told her to say, hi granddad, thank you for looking after me and the lights then came back on. She hasn’t heard or seen anything since. Our eldest son was once walking in an empty warehouse setting things up for an exhibition. There had been arguments with the management because they did not have any speakers in the place and they needed them for the announcements. He was walking down an empty corridor when he heard music playing, he thought it was weird because there were no speaker there, he followed the sound and he found one broken speaker hanging off the wall, playing his dad’s favourite 60’s song. He can be driving and by accident touch a radio station on the car radio, one he never uses and his dad’s music starts to play. One day he came to see me and said, can you smell that, I said smell what and he said cigarette smoke, I said no. I had modernised the house after my husband died and had it decorated so everything was brand new so there could not have been any cigarette smell left. My husband was a smoker which caused his illness. I am finding white feathers wherever I go. We went to Devon last year with our sons and grandchildren and were staying in an hotel, one evening we were going down for our meal and on the floor just in front of me was a lovely white feather. Our grandsons bought me some rock back when they had been to Bridlington with our son and his wife and stuck on the end was a white feather. My son was on holiday abroad and sat with his wife having a drink, he said it was really breezy where they were sat, but this white feather floated straight down and landed on his lap. He said it brought tears to his eyes. It is things like this that keeps me going, I know one day we will meet again, it is the waiting that is the problem for me. I don’t want to have to wait years. The afternoon he died, we came back to our house and I told my sons I wanted to be alone. I sat with Barney, our GSD for a while then took him out in the garden then I went to bed. I was laying there, not asleep, just thinking and crying when I felt the bed go down at the side of me and two arms went round me and squeezed me so tight, we always slept like that, we called it spooning, I fell asleep. When I woke in the morning, I realised that he must have come to say goodbye to me. Like I say, it is three years for me now and the hurting does not stop. I look at his photos and my heart just drops but since the end of the second year nothing has happened, it is as if he has moved on. Our youngest grandson was three when Peter died and he asked me if granddad would be there when he came to see me. I told him no and that his granddad was a star in the sky and was always looking after him. One of the things that helps me a lot is watching our wedding video of him kissing me when we come out of the church and having confetti thrown over us. I have another video where he is walking and talking when we went to see our first grandchild just after she was born. What does happen a lot and I don’t know if it happens to you. I am fast asleep and there is very loud banging on my front door, really loud as if someone is hitting it with a battering ram. I jump out of bed and look out of the window then think, the banging would wake all the street up so I must be dreaming, but it happens such a lot. The first two years after Peter died, I heard him call for me during the night, I jumped out of bed then realised I must have been dreaming. Now I am just living day to day, biding my time. I want to outlive our German Shepherd Barney because if anything happened to me, no-one would take him as he is huge, so I want to be here to ensure he is loved and looked after until he dies. After that I am not bothered. We seem to have a similar lifestyle, loving grandchildren and sons. I don’t have any family of my own left they all died years ago. Peters mum and dad died before he was 18 years old. I met Peter when he was 18 and he lived with his grandma and it was love at first sight. We were joined at the hip for 50 years, never apart unless I was having our children. Peter was the same, could talk about anything and everything, our sons rang him up every night to talk to him. I was always the odd woman out because they all loved sport, loved hobbies which they did together, me I made the meals and did their ironing and when they went round sports shops I went for afternoon tea somewhere and we met up two hours later. I miss him so very much that my bones ache with the hurt of it all. All I want now is to be with him, I will miss my sons and grandchildren, of course I will, but they have their own lives and I don’t want them to have to take care of me in my very old age. I want to go with my nails done, my hair done and wearing my best dress for when I meet Peter again. We will get through it, we have to get through it, we have no other option but to get through it and whilst there are other people in the same position as us, we are not alone in our grief and at the end of the day, we will be with our loved ones again and that keeps me going. Sorry for the long dialogue, I get carried away with my thoughts. Very Big Hugs to you too Colleen, my thoughts are with you. Sheilaxxxxxx

Just been reading all these conversations. When I’m feeling low at this time ever evening I come on this site and realise that I’m not the only one going through this grief and pain. Im not the only one crying every evening wondering why I’ve been inflicted with all this pain My husband was only 66 when he died too soon. He had just retired. I feel we have both been cheated of a long and happy retirement together.Like you all I miss someone greeting me as I come home, the chit chat, the jokes etc.
To all those suffering my thoughts are with you, Katy

I am so very sorry Katy, my husband was 68 when he died, worked hard all his life and we saved for a rainy day but he spent the 2.1/2 years of his retirement being ill. We are all crying for what we have lost and just like you, I too find comfort in all these messages, we are not alone in our pain, we are here for each other, to try and help each other through the worst time of our lives. We all live day to day, get up in the morning and do what needs to be done. It is like being on auto pilot, you do it without even thinking, it is a routine that is the same day in and day out. One day a week I dust and vacuum all around the house, goodness knows why, I only live in one room and the bedroom. All the other rooms are never used unless our grandchildren stay over in the school holidays. You are quite right though, we have all been cheated, many of the people on this site especially, because they lost their husband/wife/partner at a young age. I had 50 glorious healthy years with my husband so think myself lucky but it was never enough. The day we met as teenagers in the 60’s, we thought we had forever, it never once crossed our minds that one day one of us would be left behind, it only hits you as time moves on and you realise you don’t have as long as you thought you would. I am thinking of you and all these lovely people on this site. Love Sheilaxxx

Hi all I’ve had some very low days without my mom she was my best friend,I have to keep going for my children I am completely lost without her I’m just trying to keep myself busy ,I hope you all have a better day it’s very lonely.