Hello. I am new to the forum and hoping for some advice from others who may be in the same situation.
I lost my dad a few months ago and I am trying so hard to support my mum but I feel like she expects me to fill the void left by my dad. I’m trying so hard and I’m putting her grief before mine as it’s worse for her having lost a partner.
But I feel guilty if I don’t see her for even one day. I don’t even feel like I have processed my own grief because I want her to be ok.
I can’t tell her how I feel because she’s quite fragile emotionally and has her own health issues to deal with and it won’t sit well.
So I just hold it all in and it’s overwhelming.
Has anyone else experience with this and how did you deal with things? I feel guilty even if writing this down.
Hello @Jay2025
Firstly I am sorry for the loss of your Dad and for the dilemma you now find yourself in. It’s is so difficult for you and as you know you will never fill the void for your mom. Please do not feel guilty as it sounds to me you are been amazing supporting your mom whilst putting your own grief aside . I have no experience as when my mom died my dad was very self sufficient and asked very little from me.
Keep posting on here as there will be someone who has , or is, in the same situation as you and will give you advice. Take care ! Linda
Thank you for your support Linda and I am so sorry for the loss of your mum.
It’s so hard as she is very reliant on me, especially emotionally, and it’s a lot to take on sometimes.
Thanks again 
Hi @Jay2025 , when I tell you I can relate to this so much I really mean it.
I lost my father on December 12th 2025. He was a fit, healthy, wonderful man, felt a little ill in the last week of November and within 3 weeks he was gone. He had a very aggressive cancer, one which we never even had time to know what type.
My mother has always been someone who struggles with needing others to emotionally support her, she has suffered with anxiety in the past. Now, she is grief stricken. Everyday she repeats herself, she is mentally and physically not well at all. I love her to death and it’s awful watching her like this.
I can’t even think about my own grief because I feel like the focus is all on her. I feel like I have to brace for every call and sometimes I get angry because I don’t want to have to deal with her emotions, and then I feel so guilty. I feel trapped in being her only happiness in the future and I struggle with that sometimes too. Im trying to put boundaries in place, I try and dictate when I call her, but if she hasn’t slept well, or something worries her, I get an early morning panic call and it’s a lot.
I am constantly torn between understanding that this must be absolutely awful for her, she has lost everything and just wanting her to get on and not burden me. I also live over 4 hours away from her so I can’t be there all the time, I have a busy job and a partner I can’t just abandon. We schedule out the month with me going back and forth and she will have to sell the house and move closer, but it feels like a massive upheaval.
My advice would be to try and set small boundaries where possible, in a kind way. I make a schedule of calling, once in morning when it suits me and once in the evening, though if she is having a bad day this can change. I fully understand you can’t tell her how you feel when she is in that state, so try and see a therapist to be able to talk it out to them, i’m starting next week. I struggle talking to my partner or friends about it because they are looking out for me and can see how much the situation is negatively effecting me, so their responses tend to be ‘you need to remember to think of yourself’, well as we both know that is easier said than done when your mother is using you as an emotional support.
It WILL get better. This is a phase of life that we have to find a way through. You are doing the best you can in a really hard situation. I know exactly how you feel and you aren’t alone. Make time for yourself, even if it’s just making a cup of tea. If you want to chat more please let me know, having someone who truly understands really helps.