Tsunami of grief re hits is this normal ????

I lost my wonderful Mum / Best friend 4 months ago, i cared for mum for over 40 years… Everyone including my husband (i dont have children) all kept saying it was time for me to get back into my life so i decided to stay in Caring and dragged myself to a interview which ended up as a job totally different from what i had applied for i was looking after end of life people instead of just renablement of hospital discharge I resigned after one day. I then took on another lady whom i have cared for 4 weeks but i have bee hit with unbearable grief which has knocked me off my feet giving me physical symptoms of nausea, terrible stomach pain, aches all over my doctor has signed me off work the least thing takes me back to un controllable tears, how do some people go straight back to work ?? when i find it hard to function daily. I need to write a letter of complaint regarding Mums terrible treatment at the hospital and i can’t face doing it I feel a total mess . I thought i could get back to some type of normality but i think I’ve gone backwards i have had five sessions with Cruise which has been really helpful but its difficult to open up when i have been such a private person all my life. I have always supported my friends when they have gone through loss but now i need some propping up all the ones that i thought would be there have disappeared since the funeral and the ones that i have not really helped have come forward it so makes you rethink how people react to bereavement .Sorry to moan but its been so hard Mums death was a shock being told she only had hours to live when i had been constantly told to stop worrying as she was fine for 5 weeks this was by six GPs and her specialist two days before she died said he was going to discharge her and i was over exaggerating her symptoms . When i just got back from the hospital after she passed there was a letter waiting for me saying he was discharging her and then i received a text from the hospital asking how i rated there performance …im still lost for words.

Hi I’m sorry for your loss. I also cared for my mum who sadly passed away 26/1/17, it was awful - similar to your experience the hospital/ doctor’s were useless - my mum had dementia so could not speak up for herself! 2 days before she passed a nurse on the ward said ’ when I start to panic you need to’ !! We knew my mum’s prognosis wasn’t good, but really didn’t expect her to pass so quickly. I was so disgusted with the NHS and mum’s lack of care, that I have made a formal complaint, which I started off myself but have since had the assistance of an advocate [ you can request this through your local council] My advocate is extremely helpful, so I would recommend you do the same - they assist you with writing letters, attending meetings etc.
Grief affects everyone differently - my emotions are still all over the place - so give yourself some slack ! I also lost my dad 21/2/17 literally 3 weeks after mum. As for friends - I find people avoiding me cus they don’t know what to say. So I guess you find your real friends. Take care I hope this helps.

Hi Caz77 thank you for your reply i am so sorry for your loss of your parents. 2017 was a horrible year for both of us i know i need to do a formal complaint i fought all mums battles through life and this is the last one that i have to do but finding it so difficult to write almost as if its the last thing to do for her its so painful.They say one of the stages of bereavement is anger but i feel like i let her down as i couldn’t get them to agree something was wrong they all said i was exaggerating her condition and over reacting i just wish i could of done something differently but it just gives the same result so i go in circles. i will look into getting a advocate to help her death certificate said pneumonia yet her X-ray two days earlier said no signs of this and they wouldn’t give her antibiotics until the last day when she ended up on five different types at once it all makes no sense to me.

I agree 2017 was awful for us both. I had to battle with the hospital constantly - my mum was admitted in Dec 2016 with a UTI, I really didn’t want her to go in hospital because they just don’t treat the elderly with appropriate care and respect. Likewise I did everything for my mum - she relied on me threefold. It is painful writing to complain - I was in floods of tears initially, but I’m so angry about the lack of care my mum received and try to focus on it being the last thing I can do for my mum - she didn’t deserve to spend the last 5 weeks of her life like she did. I guess we all beat ourselves up over what we could of done or should of done, however, you do have to put a certain amount of trust/ judgement in the drs - sadly both our experiences were far from perfect. I specifically told the hospital they could contact me 24/7 because I knew my mum would be troublesome and I was prepared to go to the hospital anytime if needed - they ignored my wish! They gave my mum an antipyshcotic drug overnight on Xmas day, which knocked her for 6 and we truly thought we were going to lose her boxing day- they denied giving the drug and it’s been crossed off her records!! So like you none of it makes sense - it progressed my mum’s descent as she ended up with fluid on her lungs . So as you can imagine I was furious - hence my complaints. Find the strength on behalf of your mum to complain, because why should the NHS be ignorant to families requests and concerns.Take care sorry if I’ve gone on too much.

Hi Caz
I can relate to a lot of what you say and sorry for your loss. I lost my mom on Christmas eve 2016 . She was admitted to hospital after falling . Days before she had been diagnosed with multiple Myeloma after several mis diagnoses . Days after her admission , the ward was closed after Nora Virus struck . Mum , already weak, was knocked for six and we were not allowed to visit while the virus remained. When we eventually saw her, she was very poorly and dosed up on morphine. The treatment I saw from nurses was, at best , mixed and I was not impressed by the general attitude towards the old people on the ward . They deserved much more . Mom died in the early hours of Christmas eve after fluid on her lungs developed into pneumonia and that was it . I was there just before but can’t be sure if she knew I was there . I don’t know what to say really …except I feel your pain and please know you are not alone . Take care .

Hi Kunzlecake

I’m really sorry for your loss. A tsunami of emotions is the perfect phrase. I completely agree.

Caz77’s advice on an advocate sounds very good. I think you will all get a tiny bit of closure getting your complaints off your chest however painful the process is.

I get the anger phase too. I sometimes literally scream when I am in the car to let it out.

2017 was a terrible year for me too. Lost my dad after he was diagnosed with “wind” the day after in May then 6 weeks later my mum was given 6 weeks to live. She has been misdiagnosed with back pain and “grief” up to that point.

I get what you mean about friends too. My closest friends have disappeared and new acquaintances have been fantastic. I don’t worry about it now but I know for sure who I will be helpful to in the future…

I really find this forum helps so I hope you will all keep posting. A rubbish club to be part of, but hopefully we can help each other get through this tsunami in one piece

Ann x