It’s been two years. Almost exactly to the minute! Two years, and I still feel like I’m living someone else’s life. It’s like one of those stories where the person wakes up in a parallel universe where everything is a bit out of kilter and things are not quite right. If it wasn’t for our darling children (adults now) then I’d think that my whole married life was just a dream. Here I am back on my own. I don’t mind my own company, but I just feel so alone.
For me it has been 34 weeks today, such a short time compared to you. I just feel as if I’m existing in a nightmare that I need to wake up from and then everything will be as it was.
Family and friends live so far away that I have no one I can turn to. I do have a few acquaintances here but they are busy with their own lives. I do wonder sometimes if they ever think about how I spend my days and nights, I doubt it really. Ian and I were so happy in just each other’s company but I’m paying the price now. He was taken from me only seven weeks after a cancer diagnosis.
However, and that’s a big however, it doesn’t matter how busy or not I am, I just want Ian back. Like you, I don’t mind my own company but I feel so alone and I just dread the future. It just seems like a dark hole that I am falling deeper and deeper into.
Take care of yourself,
I’ve been thinking about what you wrote about living in a parallel universe. I have that feeling as well when I stay with my son in Spain. I have spent quite a lot of time out there as I have a granddaughter who is nearly four. When there, it’s as if what happened to Ian never took place and he is at home waiting for me. I obviously know he isn’t but nothing seems real out there.
Of course when I return, reality hits me with a vengeance!
My son and his wife have said I can stay with them alternate months as since Brexit, you can only stay in Europe for 90 out of each 180 days. My head tells me I should not keep running off to Spain but my heart tells me differently and my heart is winning.
I think we can only do what feels right for us at the time. There’s no right or wrong way to do this. Life will never, ever be the same, and I don’t know whether it gets easier to deal with at some point. I’m certainly not at that point yet. I’m existing, and time is moving on, but I don’t feel like I’m living my life. My future as well as my present seems to have disappeared when my husband passed away.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your Ian. When people talk about having an ‘other half’ you never realise how painful it will be when that other half of you is suddenly ripped away. I’m not sure that the wound ever heals.
I have found that just being able to put down my thoughts on this site, and to have contact with others who are in a similar situation, has really helped.
Hiya Lorraine it’s 14 months for me trying to move forward I have 2 adult children and 2 grandchildren just plod on every day lv annie x
I feel the same. I feel I am just existing and not living a life since my husband died. I don’t like my own company. I’ve never had to. I have always been surrounded by family and when I married we were everything to each other. Now I am on my own. Life without my soulmate is not life. It all seems so surreal sometimes as tho it didn’t happen but sadly I know it did and I just cry x
Hiya nel going to bed had enough of today lv annie x x
Hope you have a good nights sleep Annie xx
Ki will try nel just lie and think lv ya annie x
Just like you, I feel I’m existing and not living. My husband passed away 34 weeks today and it has been particularly tough. Apart from friends on this site, nobody really seems to care anymore. It’s as if I’ve used up my quota of care and compassion and need to move on. But we all know that it’s not that simple and I’m grieving now as much as I did when it first happened, even more so now.
I know family and friends will move on with their lives but I wonder do they ever really think about how I’m spending my days and nights living all alone and so far from them.
It’s such a sad and lonely existence, one I never dreamed I would have and I just can’t see any way out of it….
Look after yourselves everyone,
Apart from my mum and my children, only one of my five sister-in-laws and two of my friends have messaged or spoken to me today. Everyone else seems to have forgotten. I suppose I don’t really blame them - who remembers the exact date that someone else’s other half passes away? - but you’d have thought his own sisters might remember! I suppose I just thought that such a blooming life-changing event might mean something to people who I thought cared about me. Obviously not. Sorry, just feeling sorry for myself. Thank goodness for the lovely people on this site.
Never apologise for feeling sorry for yourself. I think that’s how I’ve been feeling lately but considering what’s happened to us and others on this site, we have every right to be!
I have been taken aback by people who I thought would care but haven’t. Everyone seems so busy with their own lives and I’ve probably been guilty of that as well in the past.
Two years is such a milestone for you and I’m just sorry that you’ve not been supported by all of your family and friends today. My sister suggested that I stopped counting the weeks since Ian passed away but to me, that would seem like saying his death meant nothing to me. Stupid I know, but that’s how I feel.
As you say, there are lovely, caring people on this site and I don’t know what I’d do without it. Its probably the only place I can really express my true feelings without fear of being judged or told how I should be feeling.
Look after yourself,