Unexpected loss of Dad

The end of January my dad passed away. Incredibly unexpected. I was told in a tactless way by my grandmother (i have to keep reminding myself that it was a shock to her hence the delivery). Its been 12 weeks and keep finding myself randomly breaking down in tears. Just when i think i have made 2 steps ahead, i crash and take 10 back. It sounds cliche but i feel in a fog 90 percent of the time. Sometimes even forget for 2 seconds and think ‘oh wait till i tell dad this’. My mum died when i was 4 (am now 32) so had no concept of grief and obviously didnt understand what was going on at the time. Im not one for verbally talking about my emotions. To be honest when ever i try and have a serious conversation about dad i end up breaking down. I reverted to joking about it but trying to act ok about it is catching up with me.

Hi A B,

I’m so sorry to hear that you lost your Dad at the end of January and that you’re having a tough time coping at the moment. Losing a parent is incredibly difficult and painful, made worse by how unexpected it was for you. It’s not surprising that you’re struggling at the moment and very emotional too.

I do understand how you’re feeling. When my Mum died I also found myself thinking ‘I must tell Mum this’ and then the horrible reality hit me that she was gone. Over time I was able to start talking about her without crying but it did take a long time.

I think it’s important for you to be honest about how you’re feeling and not feel pressure to behave a certain way or seem ok to everyone else. If you cry when you talk about your Dad, then you need to cry and let the emotions out.

Do you have a close friend or relative you can talk to? I know you said you’re not one for talking about emotions but it really does help. I know people using the site find comfort and support in being able to write down their thoughts, feeling & emotions so it’s good that you’ve posted on here.

Keep talking to us & take care. Trudy x

Thank you for your message Trudy.

I have friends that i could to talk to but everyone has their own problems dont they. I think i may have stitched myself up in regards to talking about it with friends. I have managed to act normal since it happened and i think my delayed reaction will make them feel uncomfortable- it makes me feel like that too. At work i feel like i have to act ‘normal’ although they have so supportive and have gone above and beyond helping me. Ive not been forced to act normal, i think it was my default mode.

To be honest im really quite angry about all of it. And there are always those conversations that you feel you should of had but now dont have the chance. I went to where he lived and spoke to his poor land lady who found him. Had a nasty shock when i went into his room and found that he had started to hoard food and rubbish. I cant begin to understand how he lived like that and found it so out of character. He was diagnosed with myeloma 2 years ago and i wonder if this had triggered it. When we spoke over the phone he always appeared very sensible about it and didn’t seem to overly inpact on his life. Clearly that was not the case.
I live a couple of hours away from where he lived and just feel that if i had of known about the hoarding i could have sorted it out. And i keep thinking that maybe he knew how ill he was and didnt tell me. Im an only child and he was very protective of me. When he eventually told me about his illness he waited 4 months to tell me and i didnt take it very well. Maybe my reaction put him off of telling me about anything else. Its a whole load of ifs buts and maybes.

Hi AB.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my dad last March and still to this day im finding it so hard to accept. Like yourselve I try and act normal but sometimes you just can’t help your emotions. I returned to work and think it does help as it gives you something to focus on even though half the time I’m in my own little world. Just remember your dad loved you very much. Take one day at a time. I can totally relate to how you are feeling. Like you said I don’t talk to my friends as I don’t want to burden anyone. If you ever want to talk i will always listen.
Take care of yourself x

Thank you joey for your message.
Your right about work, it does give me something to focus on. Im just not at my best.
Just missing my dad terribly

Hi Trudy,

I feel to an extent I know how you feel, I lost my father suddenly in 2016 (just before my 24th birthday).

I still (though now to a lesser extent) regret the quality of life he had before his death, there is so much left unsaid and so many question about him I never asked because I just did not think he was going to die whilst I was so young.

I had so much regret about not being around him more before his death.

Hi A B

I’m really sorry to read your posts. It sounds like your dad loved you very much and wanted to protect you from some of the suffering.

I really believe grief has to come out one way or another and the people who don’t cope long term are the ones that bottle things up and don’t let the emotions out.

I know what you mean about burdening friends but what is the point of the friendship if they are not there to support you every so often. I am sure you would be there for them if the tables were turned so I recommend trying to speak to some of them and seeing if it helps. This forum helps me a lot. I can just vent and be honest. I hope it helps you too.

Take care. It is scary being an only child sometimes, I know because I am one, but the love for your parents lives on.

Ann xx

Cant really bring myself to talk to somebody face to face at the moment. The mere mention of Dad and im utterly sobbing. I probably should of talked about it when it happened which is probably why im not really coping very well at the moment. Just need to ride it out really. I know i will be more in control in a few days, these feelings pop up every couple of weeks.
Just need to sort myself out and put my big girl pants on. Lol

Thank you for your message x

Hi A B

I use the big girl pants phrase too, but forget it for a while. You deserve some time to grieve and let it all out. It’s natural.

Be kind and patient to yourself and keep posting. It does help!

Ann x

I have to say i am so appreciative of everybody’s messages. I abit shocked that 'strangers ’ are trying to comfort me. Thank you so much.
Big girl pants are retired for the moment…very good advice. Thank you xxxxx

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Hi, my dad died 2 weeks ago now and I have returned to work. My dad had always been my guide and one reliable rock in life and I now feel completely lost, adrift and sometimes like I’m under water and unable to come up for air. The loss of my dad was completely sudden and out of the blue at age 67, I have a younger brother and as we live in different countries I worry about how he will cope. Likewise I am in another country so I can’t physically be around all the time to support my mum who is now left in the house alone. My three young children are dealing with the loss in their own child like ways but sometimes I worry what effect my grief will have on them.

I just can’t see a light at the end of the tunnel and although I know it’s not the right way in dealing with it I have started to drink a bit more and I know my brother has too. My wife, colleagues and friends have all been great in supporting me but know my wife is struggling to deal with the loss she is also feeling.

I don’t know if there was any point to posting all of this but there you go

Hi Koko

Sorry for the loss of your dad, I lost mine 5 months ago and there is no handbook for how to cope with what grief does to us and the feeling of being lost and disconnected is something I believe we all feel at the loss of a parent. They are with us from the day we are born and leave a huge void that nothing can fill.

I too started drinking more and still am but try not to be hard on yourself, we all need a coping mechanism and have to do what is right for us. Grief is the outpouring of the love we feel and we have to let that love out and your children will understand that depth of love when they travel the difficult path life sometimes takes us on.

I hope you and your brother find ways of supporting your mum while you are all going through your own grief. You don’t have to be physically present to show love and support, just do what you can and are capable of doing