Unhelpful Family Members

Hi everyone, it’s been a while since my last post. I’m actually sitting here struggling with my wording so apologies if this doesn’t make sense. I’m needing a bit of a rant, I suppose. If you’re reading this, you already know what the topic of discussion is from my title. I’ve had a couple situations arise recently and they’ve just been bubbling in my mind since. It’s coming up for 19 weeks on Sunday since I lost Dad. On Thursday it’ll be his 65th birthday, another life event I’ve been dreading. In the small 4 months, I’ve had to deal with a lot of pain: losing him, and then all the shit that falls in between. I’ve had almost all the ‘firsts’ in a matter of 3/4 months. My birthday, Christmas, New Year and now his birthday. It’s been so difficult reaching these milestones without him.
My relationship with his side of the family dwindled as I got older, as we lost people on the way, I found it harder to connect with the ones left: especially my Cousin (Dads niece) and my Aunt (Dads sister). I always found my cousin to be quite selfish in her own sly ways. When my Granda died, the whole family were broken yet she seemed to be the ‘worst off’. She made such a song and dance about the fact Granda was like a Dad to her, and even at his service she got her own little piece despite me also being his granddaughter: that never seemed to matter, though. When my Uncle passed last May, just 6 months before Dad, she made it out like she was more upset than my Aunt! I found it so strange that she spoke of Granda being her Dad, yet when Alan passed it was like Deja Vu all over again. Everyone fell out with me because I asked why I wasn’t included in the service or obituary despite my cousins Dog having more of mention than his own niece! But that was all too far, and I was pretty much shunned out the service, I honestly didn’t see what I did so wrong. My Dad did his best at keeping the peace, but when I went to go give them a hug on the day of his funeral, I was pushed away. Fast forward to my Dads service and I made sure to have everyone included, the whole family! Because that’s the way it should be. Everyone has their own intimate and private relationships with people, but it does not mean that you’re more important than anyone else. We got through it as a family like Dad would’ve wanted and I only did it for him.
Now here we are, 4 months down the line and coming up to Dads birthday. In these 4 months, I’ve made sure to visit my Grandma in hospital weekly, I’ve offered my Aunt lifts home from work whenever I’m out in my car, I’ve offered lifts to go visit my cousin who lives an hours drive away and take my aunt out too, I’ve offered support to my cousin who’s unfortunately looking after her Husband following a very serious car accident. I’ve tried my best to be involved in their lives and try to help out in some way, despite the fact I’m grieving hard for Dad cause that’s the person my Dad raised me to be. But I’ve had enough. On Sunday this week, I’ve arranged a BBQ in Dad’s garden out his massive shed for his close friends and had planned to invite everyone along who wanted to come. I’d messaged his friends first making sure they’d be free and I messaged my cousin and said how it was his birthday and I wanted to arrange something for it. The reply was, that she was aware and my aunt and her planned to take Grandma out to her house that Sunday for visits… no invite for me in sight. I’m so hurt. Everything I’ve done has included everyone, even in his service for cousin Paul who Dad literally couldn’t stand, I included him and photos of them together. Now I’m wishing I hadn’t bothered! Why are people like this? Why don’t they want me there? I know it was a little strained and with everything that happened, we didn’t get the opportunity to talk it out.
Even for Dads scattering, id made the plans to do it as a family and arranged a wheelchair accessible Taxi to pick up grandma from hospital and drive her 1.5 hours away to the special place, paid for it all too. Not one mention of thanks. Not one mention of appreciation or gratitude that id been thoughtful enough to do it all considering I was still heartbroken everyday. I am done. Done.

I hate all this nonsense too, I hate anything that takes the attention away from Dad. Because to me, he will always be the most important thing in my life. Wish me luck for Thursday and Sunday, god knows I’ll need them.

For the life of me I can’t answer your question about why families act like this. Seems to be the norm these days.
I thought my husbands family including his two daughters would be a support to me, never imagined that they would cut me dead from the family although I had always got on really well with them for thirty years. I wrote to them. sent e-mails and telephone calls, sent photo’s and things of interest that I found among my husbands things, but no reply and no explanation as to WHY. There are many more on this forum that can tell you terrible tales of family members and lack of support. Nothing will ever surprise me again.
You feel you have done your best, just as I thought I had and in the end there is nothing we can do. I let it eat me up for months, after all they was my husbands family and I felt I was letting him down. I was a failure and must be a terrible person. But their lack of support made me a stronger person in the end because now I know I don’t need any of them. You could try a last letter to the most senior member of the family. Just a friendly note perhaps you might get a reply and an answer. Otherwise cut your losses with them.
xxx

1 Like

from reading a few posts over the months,seems like most families have problems treating relatives with respect.love would be nice and comfort at times we lose very close family members.but just a bit of consideration wouldnt go a miss.sorry to hear your having real traumatic issues with family members,i cannot for the life of me give you reasons why at times we need to unite as a family we have the opposite happen.good luck Thursday and Sunday ,hope you find a way to cope.
regards
ian

2 Likes

I really don’t understand this part of human nature that likes to make things in a hard situation even bloody worse. I feel all I’ve done is try, try to be someone that they’d actually take notice of but I honestly don’t see why. When I think about it, they haven’t really bothered with me in years anyway, I don’t know why I thought it’d be different now. I fact I get why it’s even worse, cause the one person that held us all together is gone. People just don’t think. For lack of a better expression, fuck em! Hope you’re alright xox

2 Likes

Thanks Ian. I’ve decided that giving people give and give others until a point that they just can’t anymore and I think I’ve reached that point. I’ve always prided myself on being a real people person, maybe even a people pleaser. But now I’ve went through the worse thing I ever could, I’m so done. I’m ready to be selfish now. I think all us grieving people should too. Grief is the price for love, and when you love so deeply, the grief runs even deeper. Hope you’re okay xo

Back to top