Does anybody else feel like they are treated like they didn’t matter by the official people because they weren’t married? I was with my partner 17 years, we never got married, I’m 38 but still feel young. It just wasn’t something I’d ever wanted and the same with him. We bought a house together, lived together and had a cat. That was commitment enough for us both. We didn’t love each other any less because of it.
My OH often spoke about death after his father died of a heart attack out of the blue, he told me everything he wanted at his cremation and he’d told his mother that if anything ever happened to him I knew everything he wanted. He was a simple man who would never want a fuss and he trusted me to make sure he got exactly what he wanted although he obviously didn’t think he was going anywhere any time soon. When the funeral directors came to see us to take some ideas and provisionally arrange a date in the assumption the post mortem results would come back next week I made sure everything he’d ever said was put into place, arranged everything as he wanted then when it came to signing for it the signature needed to be a next of kin, obviously that wasn’t me. Fair enough, I understand his mother is his next of kin and I was fine with that.
Today his post mortem results come back, I had a phonecall off his mother to tell me that the coroners had phoned her to tell her the results, she then had to explain to them that we had been together for a long time and ask them to let me know as well. That feels like a kick in the guts tbh. I’d like to think I would have got a phonecall after his mam but if she hadn’t asked them to ring me I’m not sure I would have. The lady on the phone was lovely to be fair, explained that it was his heart and he wouldn’t have been aware of anything. It really put my mind at rest that he wasn’t in pain. It’s not her fault that I’m not important enough by law but it really, really hurt.
His mother said to me I need to go and register his death next week but I’m probably not important enough for that either It just really sucks sometimes. I love that man so much and no bit of paper could make me live him anymore but without it I’m made to feel like nothing. Perhaps it’s the grief talking, perhaps it’s just my emotions being all over the place but I’ve sobbed so much over it today.
I’m just so thankful that he made a point of telling his mother that I knew what he wanted and that she’s been really good. If he’d had family that wanted to be awkward I would have been completely left out in the cold. I would have had no legal right to know anything.
My situation was exactly the same. His next of kin have to deal with anything solely in his name. I couldn’t deal with coroner’s so my son was the contact.
I was able to register his death and deal with all things joint or where I was named.
We never did Wills as neither was expecting to die. Since his death I have done a Will to protect my children and his Niece and Nephew. To make sure they get what we want them to have. It’s insane when so many more couples choose not o get married.
Some families don’t get on with their sons or daughters partners for various reasons so I’m just so thankful that I get on with his family. If I hadn’t I dread to think what could happen. It’s sad to think that even estranged relatives could come along after someone dies and stop that persons long term partner from knowing anything. Hopefully that will change one day.
I know next week I’ll need to let the council know, my car insurance as he was a named driver on my car, our house insurance, our bank where we had a joint account etc. It’s hard because so far every time I’ve had to tell someone he’s gone I’ve started sobbing on the phone. It’s so bloody hard, you don’t realise how much people go through until you go through it yourself.
My friend rang me today, I’d had a really emotional day anyway then the post mortem results come back and even though the results were the best we could have hoped for knowing he wouldn’t have known anything about it I still felt really emotional about it, when I answered her she could tell I was upset and was a bit surprised that I was still feeling like this. It’s almost like people expect you to cry for a few days then be over it. People just have no idea
Whoo…this post has hit a gigantic nerve, probably the only one I have left. I could respond with a marathon post but I don’t want to put you all in a coma…
To cut a long story short I met my partner at 10 years old, we were destined soulmates but part way through our lives we veered off our paths. He had a relationship (not married) and had 2 sons. Fast forward when the ambulance arrived at our home I rang his son 24 who lives 2 minutes away and he went in the ambulance with his dad to the hospital. I tried ringing him several times for an update and he ignored me totally. In desperation I went to the hospital found out Jim was in ICU and the nurse delivered this blow IF A PERSON IS UNCONSCIOUS AND UNABLE TO SPEAK a new ruling has come out where a passcode is put on the patient’s medical records which means the hospital can only talk to the next of kin and only they can be updated or see the patient unless the next of kin give their permission for another person to visit. In a nutshell, I was told nothing, I was unable to see or hold my partners hand. I was denied any rights of 54 yrs of knowing him to see him. They robbed their own dad of me being able to sit with him…
I am taking this up as a complaint after the funeral but please anyone reading this be aware of this new rule in all hospitals. I am hurt, angry and been denied of my right to see him
Just to add, I have always got on with both sons and for reasons only known to them they just cut off any communication with me. I only got updated when I told the hospital I was going to sue the pants off them. They agreed this ruling has caused lots of problems but bit late telling that when my partner died knowing I wasn’t there and not knowing why
Oh gosh, that’s absolutely horrendous. I’m so sorry. Are his next of kin keeping you in the loop about his funeral? It’s absolutely heartbreaking to think you have to go through all this because you weren’t married. Like I said I’m very fortunate his family always wanted the best for us and they have been really supportive since he died. He always told them they had better look after me if anything happened to him. I can’t imagine the extra stress and hurt you must be feeling right now
It was just as much of a shock as Jim’s death, it nearly tipped me completely over to a nervous breakdown. I lived with their dad for 15 years (it is my house as in deeds in my name). Jim bought a flat when he split up with their mother, which one of the son’s lived in. A close friend of mine confronted them and as Jim had not made a will they had thought I would fight them for their dad’s flat (which is totally absurd but hey I guess this is the ugly side of grief). I will never forgive or forget thinking of Jim laying there listening for my voice because hearing is the last sense to go, however to give Jim the send of he deserves and my only goodbye to him, I chose the higher ground but after the funeral I never want to set eyes on them again. What they did was cruel beyond belief
@LostLil
I can only go by my experience but you are travelling the same path as me, just a few weeks behind, with the same emotions. I had an emotional day yesterday as I received the V5 for our camper that I had transferred in to my name and had to tell insurance and remove him from the policy. These things hurt so much. It’s like I’m reading him from my life and he didn’t exist. I know it’s irrational but it’s also a real feeling. I also went too work and the reality of doing that journey and not calling him or him calling me, which we did daily, is heartbreaking. I was a mess but the time I got to work but I did what I set it to do and I saw it as an achievement. I know it’s desperately hard but you are getting through each day.
Ali
@Sarlyn
Oh my goodness, I feel for you so much, that is the cruelest rule and the cruelest of behaviors from them. I can only imagine what that feels like and I would hope their silence means they are ashamed and, wishful thinking, they will one day apologize. That’s probably no comfort to you and you must be feeling dreadful but I believe your partner would have seen and known why you were not there, he’s spirit may already have been with you while he’s son was sitting with him. Unfortunately we’ll never know for sure but I’d like to believe that was true.
Ali
Im so sorry for your loss i lost my partner suddenly in nov he was 58 and fit and well.i felt so cheated at his funeral didnt get a mention as his sister was next if kin.it was the worst funeral i xould have imagined. There was nothing about his life with me and things we did.it was all about her and her relationship with her brother. Im struggling these days i thought i was coping but feel worse than ever again. Perhaps this is normal as it is only 5 months miss him so so much but we carry on with a life different. Take care
Yes I also feel like me removing his name from things is easing him from my life
His car is in the garage, it’s a much bigger car than mine so his family said to me that maybe I should keep his car and get rid of mine, as much as I would love to do that I know his car is too big for me and I wouldn’t feel comfortable driving something that big. I’m not a very confident driver anyway, he used to do the majority of the driving in both our cars. Once I told them this they were saying well you need to sell it because it’s only going to depreciate in value and he wouldn’t want that. It really hurt at the time because he hadn’t even been gone two weeks at that point and they are talking about selling his car. It’s in the garage at the minute, it’s off the road and doing no harm. I can’t bare the idea of it not being here. I know I’m being irrational, it’s just a car but it’s his car. It’s silly things like his toothbrush and toothpaste and razors on the bathroom sink, I can’t bare to put them away, his coffee cup is still by the kettle in the kitchen. I just can’t put them away yet because it would feel like I’m packing him away for the final time.
Wnen my mam died my stepfather kept all my mams clothes in her wardrobe for a couple of years and it was only wnen he met someone else a few years later that he started taking her things to the charity shop or skips. At the time I thought it was odd that he’d kept them for so long but I definitely understand why he did now
Everything of Rich’s is here and not going anywhere yet. I will when I’m ready but not yet. His camper is at my son’s, I have not managed to bring it home yet as it will look like he’s home and he’s not. He used the camper everyday as his car. I will bring it home but I’ve coped with enough just now and trying to hold myself together all the time is exhausting and lack of sleep exacerbates my feelings and emotions. It’s been a bit of a week, with a lot of new milestones in this journey. Rich would be proud of me, I can hear him telling me and everyone says I’m being so strong but it doesn’t feel like that. I just feel I’m trying to get through a life that’s very different and very tough. x
I hate it when people tell me I need to be strong, like I’ve just lost the most important person in my life, the person who brought me so much happiness and who could make me cry with laughter, the person I thought I’d grow old with. I’m allowed to hide away and cry all day if I want to. Like you I don’t feel like I am strong, I feel like I’m surviving every day because I have no choice, because unfortunately the world keeps turning and I’m stuck here to endure it. It scares me knowing how different life will be going forward. I feel like I’m going to be a much different person without him. Odly I’ve been sleeping great, the first night I didn’t sleep at all but ever since I’ve slept better than ever, perhaps it’s all the crying. Eating is difficult though, I find for the first time in my life I have to force myself to eat and have lost about 9lb.
@Jan271
I am dreading the funeral too as it will be the same, it will be all about the son’s and it’s really hurtful to feel excluded on top of the grief we are already going through.
Take comfort in the fact nobody can take away our memories of our love and life with them. Grief can bring the worse out in so many people. Take care Lyn
@Ali29
Thank you, I believe Jim did know what they had done as if you read my post under afterlife, my sofa starting vibrating the night before he passed away and I know it was him saying goodbye. I will get through the funeral and then I won’t see or speak to them again. Yes they have hurt me but they disrespected their dad by denying him the chance of knowing I was there with him right to the end.
Grief teaches us so many things about other people, some not so nice things but then you learn who has your back and who doesn’t
Ditto except the eating, living on takeaway as can’t be arsed to cook. We loved healthy food and cooking, sometimes together but it was a thing. We used to have gousto delivered, now I can’t do that! Feel guilty for eating badly but then Rich was healthy and he still died!
I can’t be bothered to cook either. My appetite isn’t good anyway. He did all of the cooking, he was a good cook, usually healthy food as well. He did the cooking then I’d do the dishes and clean the kitchen afterwards. We had our jobs and our routines lol. I just don’t feel like cooking just for me and don’t feel hungry enough to bother ordering takeaways. Usually I’ll have coffee and biscuits and a sandwich later. I do need to start making more effort to eat better though, I’m feeling weak now. We loved our food, he’d cook healthy food through the week but on the weekends we’d always either go out for food or get an Indian takeaway. Now I eat because I feel like I should. It’s rather odd really.
@LostLil & @Ali29
I was exactly the same about Richard’s car when it left. I didn’t think I was emotionally attached to it in any way while it was sitting on the drive as it was his work car (driving instructor) and we didn’t use it for anything else.
The day it left, which was almost six months later, I just sobbed as it was loaded onto the trailer.
I still have not removed him from my contacts on my phone which led to a grief ambush moment last week. I couldn’t find my phone so rang it from the landline. Usually when we lose phones my daughter and I ring each other from the mobiles.
Next time I looked at my phone it said I had a missed call from Richard.
It was interesting to find out last week that one of his best friends also can’t remove Richard from his contacts. Made me cry of course to find that out!
I think with all these inanimate objects, which were part of who our loved ones were, take on a representation of their presence in our lives so it’s natural that we want that presence to continue. There is no time limit on these so don’t rush. @LostLil I had the same happen with sleep. We were both bad sleepers before Richard died but I think I was so exhausted after the first night of no sleep and the emotion that I did. It started a better sleep pattern which went on until the last couple of weeks, almost 11 months.
Sending love to you all dealing with this extra turmoil of not being included due to lack of a wedding band. It must make such a painful situation so much harder.
Karen xxx
It just really sucks sometimes. I love that man so much and no bit of paper could make me live him anymore but without it I’m made to feel like nothing. Perhaps it’s the grief talking, perhaps it’s just my emotions being all over the place but I’ve sobbed so much over it today.
