utter sadness

hi all my wife has recently died after a long illness, her funeral was on Tuesday 8th December. That day was the unhappiest day of my life,I have very little family, and no real friends.I am feeling utterly bereft and am going to have to face xmas alone. I have one daughter ,I don’t get on very well with her ,she is very outspoken and likes all her own way I could not face goingto her house at xmas , iwould rather be alone sorry for being so glum – I just feel lost alan

Hi Alan,

I’m so sorry to read about the death of your wife. Your loss is very recent, and it sounds as though you are feeling very alone, and the prospect of Christmas is very difficult to face.

I’m glad that you’ve found this site, and I hope that it helps you feel a little bit less alone. There are other members here who understand the feelings of pain and loss.

For example, here is a link to a recent conversation where you will find Lois, Ev and Libby talking about finding Christmas hard after the death of their husbands: https://support.sueryder.org/community/general-chat/christmas-coming-how-are-you-coping

Please do take a look and add your own reply if you feel it might help.

Another good source of support is the Cruse Bereavement helpline, on 0844 477 9400 or helpline@cruse.org.uk

If your wife got any care through a hospice, they may also be able to offer bereavement support.

Hi Alan
Saying sorry for your loss doesn’t sound like much, you have probably heard it said several times over the last few day. You certainly have come to the right place where we all understand each other’s pain. Please feel free to have a moan anytime we all do. You will never feel alone here. I sincerely hope you will find peace during this difficult time. Always remember your wife is still with you giving you love and support, she may be gone but her love will be with you. Talk to her. I talk to my husband all the time. Take care, Libby

Hi Alan, how are you? Just wanted you to know I’m thinking of you. Libby

Hi Alan, thinking of you at this difficult time. Christmas is a difficult time and you need to do what you think is best for you. Sorry that your relationship with your daughter is not as it would seem that you would like it. It’s very early days in your berevement an the last weeks possibly seem a blur. Thinking of you.

thanks for your kind words Carolyn, I am trying to cope, every day the memories keep flooding in, then the tears start. My daughter too is grieving, and breaks down regularly ,I think she is trying to do everything -and that is her way of coping unfortunately I get a bit of flak so I am being very careful with her.I miss my poor wife every day, and the reality of having to face life mostly alone is really depressing.I have had to change my shopping habits, as going to our favourite shop ,is too much to bear without her.I know it is early days, but I cannot find much to be optimistic about.
what is upsetting me the most is -days before she died in hdu she was crying for help and pleading to go home , I was her husband and I was supposed to help her but I could not do anything --I feel that I failed her. Please forgive me all you nice people I hate to sound so miserable thanks for your kindness Alan xx

People deal with their grief in different ways. Some people throw themselves into things, some cry, some do nothing or maybe a combination of all these things. In the early days I think you need to do what you need to do. It’s hard when you used to do things together and it’s hard to do those things alone.

People often feel that they have let their loved ones down if there was a particular wish that their loved one had and it couldn’t be fulfilled. When you have been caring for someone it is tiring and things aren’t always possible.

It’s okay to feel upset and all part of the grieving process. Take care

Dear Alan

How are you doing?

dear Rebecca,thanks for your interest. I am still grieving for my wife Pat ,obviously some days are okay- and then other days-for no apparent reason I am tearful.
I don’t wallow in self-pity I try really hard to get on with things.
I go out every day to be among people, I cannot stand to be in I get a bit maudlin people I know don’t mention my wife anymore,they assume I am on the mend ,I am afraid it will take a long time for that.I am finding the loneliness hard to bear - it is so hard to be on my own, there can be days were I don’t speak to anyone other than say a shopkeeper or a neighbour to just say hello.I sometimes feel that I am going through the motions in life,awake -eat -shop- go to bed. I am going out on Friday on a coach trip-just for the day as a change.
I am looking forward to that and just hope -that there may be someone else on the coach on their own,so I don’t feel different I know that may sound weird but it is hard to be a singleton, I do try to be positive and laugh at things( in private obviously) otherwise I might get locked up. I have enjoyed sharing my feelings with you it’s like confiding in someone -someone who may understand that is --I am sorry if I have rambled on a bit I hope everybody out there finds some happiness in their life Alan x

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