Hi everyone. I lost my mum in March of last year to lung cancer which took her in only 3 months after being diagnosed, I was her full time carer, we was very close and we lived together. I still live in the same house now and took over the tenancy but it’s been almost 16 months since she passed away and I still miss her terribly and it’s the loneliness too now that really gets to me - I have no family of my own, only my siblings and no close friends. A few of my siblings live too far away to see regularly, I do see my sister who lives closer 2 or 3 times a month which is nice but she has her own big family of kids to see to and so is very busy. I have had some grief counselling but it felt more like a box ticking exercise than anything else and not very personalised.
In regards to my own health I have bipolar and I’m not working, the antipsychotic (hate that word) medication I am on isn’t exactly amazing with a lot of side effects. Plus I take an antidepressant for depression. I do see a psychiatrist and a care coordinator for my problems and I think I’ll have a chat with the care coordinator when I see him late this month about how I am feeling as I’ve bottled it up for a while, maybe see if he can help me get some voluntary work but I still have to come home to an empty house. It’s like when I go shopping I dread at the end of it having to come home to no one so spend as long as possible out and about. If I have a day where I decide to stay at home, which isn’t that often, I sometimes just stay in bed until well into the afternoon to pass the time. Or I meticulously clean the house just to take my mind off things for a while.
I sometimes have had thoughts about not being here anymore but I reckon my mum would want me to live as I’m 40 and hardly old, I just miss her a lot and the loneliness can be soul destroying. I sometimes think if I wasn’t here no one would really miss me for long, they would get over it soon enough and I’d hopefully see my mum again but another part of me wants to get better and move on, maybe it will still take some more time? Anyway just thought I’d write this.
First of all let me start by saying that I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to lung cancer at the end of January this year and the loss has devastated me. I’m 29 and she was only 51. I was her carer as well and the whole process was brutal and very painful.
I can’t believe how eerily similar our experiences are. I also have mental health issues and find managing that on top of grief to be very tricky. The ups and downs are even more dramatic now grief is involved. I took over the tenancy of the house too and it’s so hard because I notice her absence absolutely everywhere. I’m surrounded by all of her stuff and the life we had built together.
Have you tried grief counselling with a charity? I have been going through it and it’s been so helpful for me. Having someone to talk to and work through my feelings with has been a life saver. There are many charities you can reach out to that provide 1-1 counselling or can recommend groups in your local area if that’s preferred.
In regards to sticking around, do it. Your mum would absolutely want you to be here and stay alive. When the ones we love are robbed of time, we have to live for them. For all the days they didn’t get. For all the time cancer stole from them. Live out of spite if you have to, just keep living.
I’m sending you so much love because this is hard.
I’m glad your grief counselling is helping you I’ll have to try the type what you are doing. And it’s mad that you have similar experiences to me, I know what you mean about how the house reminds you of your mum, it’s the same with me I’ve kept a lot of her pictures and “knick-knaks” she had on the walls. Plus her bed she slept in I’ve got in the spare in room, still got the sofas she bought too.
So there’s still her legacy left here in some respects which can be sad to see but at the same time I don’t want to bin absolutely everything that was hers. It would feel like washing my hands of her, I think you would feel the same way.
Anyway thank you for the reply it was very thoughtful.
Liam.
It’s worth giving it a go. Take any help that’s out there because it might be useful. There’s nothing to lose by giving it a try.
I agree, I couldn’t bear to part with her things even if they make me sad, they bring so much comfort too. A reminder that she existed, she was here and she won’t be forgotten
Hi Liam and Louisa,
I lost my mom several years ago and also know what it’s like with no real family except one sibling. Several friends have gone to bereavement groups (I did too but I was more focused on the hospital and malpractice at the time) and the advantage of a group is meeting others one sees regularly.
Also, 40 is young and it’s not out of the realm to possibly have a family.
I know a man in a church group I’m in who just lost his wife rather suddenly. They are very financially secure with many friends, etc. The thing one observes is that life is uncertain and there are no guarantees. I think that’s the easiest way to look at it, as it’s true.
People are kind on this board. I think it’s important to feel one’s feelings but remember that your mom would want you to be happy and living and out doing things. It takes courage and it might help to read biographies of those who lived in past centuries because they had to contend with many early partings.
Hi open, thanks for your reply. Yes 40 is young especially in this day and age and despite the stress of grief people say I look younger than that probably because I have looked after myself quite well, but with me being a gay guy I doubt I’ll ever have a family of my own as I’m not attracted to women, only way around that is unless I go down the adoption route or something. I’d definitely consider it in the future but mentally I’d have to be in a better place. I think kids are brilliant and I have always got on well with my sister’s kids and they always run up to me, give me a big hug when they see me, want to hold my hand etc so they like their uncle .
It would bring some satisfaction to bring up a child and see them thrive and do well into adulthood as well, even if they aren’t my actual blood relative. But that might not ever happen, but like you say life is uncertain to never rule it out. My mum gave birth to me age 43, she was only 4 months from being 44, she did a good job of bringing me up so who knows if I adopt in the next few years whilst I’m still young enough. And you are right in that she would want me to be happy, if she could see me somehow when I struggle or sense I am down about her not being here I think she would understand but at the same time also be a bit disappointed that it’s been 16 months since she passed away but I’ll try my best for her. If she could talk she would probably say as well “I had my life and I’m not here anymore so live yours now”
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