We have been on our cancer journey for 18 months just over.
Started as breast cancer then recently spread aggressively to lots of areas including my wifes spine.
This has made her bed ridden which is not my wife atall, she has always been a fiercely indipendent and forthright person, but always so selfless, caring and loving.
She has always been my solemate and my rock knowing what to do or say and helped us all through many a tough time.
She will leave her 2 boys of 20 and 22 behind to whom i am stepdad and dad is still around.
I have stayed at myton hospice with her every day now and watched her very bad times of hell like agony, and times we have good conversations.
I make myself useful calming her and breathing exercises, pillow plumping and rearangement…
I tried staying at our house to sleep but i wake up suddenly in shock and think of how alone i am and will be, it scares me…
I lost my mum to cancer 5 months ago so my dad, 80 years old is still in a bad place but helping me and i him…
I dont want to put on him too much but need someone to talk to…
I am in the middle of a house move and have had to hopefully only temporarily foster out our 2 dogs as i cant be with them enough currently.
I have a few friends but am not a great small talker so find it difficult, to mix with people.
Sorry for rambling.
As im new to this site and posting things atall i thought i would get it all out…
This is the right place to be and I’m really sorry for the situation you are in. I don’t have experience of what you are going through but I wanted you to know you are seen. Take every moment you still have with her. Tell her everything you want her to know and let her share everything she wants you to do after she has gone.
It’s a really tough journey. Best wishes .
Sending hugs I lost my husband 7 months ago too cancer I cared for him at how for short time and it’s very difficult my advice is spend all you time with your lovely wife you will be glad you did worry about other stuff later take 1 day at a time take care
I am so sorry you are having to bear the pain of seeing your wife like this, I was in the same heartbreaking situation with my husband before he passed away seven months ago.
He had been suffering from evil cancer for quite sometime and when he was discharged from hospital last September, his condition deteriorated and I cared for him at home with carers until he needed 24 hours nursing care. It broke my heart that he couldn’t stay at home. Our hospice was too far away for me to travel as often as I would have wished. So I paid for an excellent nursing home which I knew was very well run. It was 10 minutes away and so I spent as much time as I could with him.
He slept a lot whilst I held his hand, we talked about our love and wonderful life, remembering special times. He loved music and we had ClassicFM playing softly most of the time. His skin was very thin from the cancer and I couldn’t really hug him without giving him discomfort, although I could gently stroke him. He deteriorated quickly and this was over Christmas and New Year, and passed away within three weeks, i stayed with him day and night during those last days. The nursing home made a bed up for me. I sat holding him his last night and he passed away in my arms at 5.25 on 10 January. I was so glad I was with him.
The last seven months have been a nightmare, I miss him so very much. He is always at my side, love never dies. I talk to him all the time.
All I can say to you, is, make the most of every minute you have together. You will know in your heart how to get through it. It’s difficult for me to say anymore, my tears are flowing.
My very best to you both.
Sending love, Rosemary
Thank you for the message.
It is horrible watching your loved ones deteriorating.
The good days i am praying for as much time with them as possible.
The Hell days/nights we are praying for a quick and painless end to the tourment (i know i will feel guilty for thinking this forever)
Im glad you managed to be together unill the end with your husband as painful as that must be.
We listen Classic FM also to relax and hopefully sleep.
Hi Ollie1 - my heart goes out to you. I was in your position 2 years ago, watching my darling husband go through the same battle. It is the most evil thing I have ever witnessed. If you are getting help from Macmillan speak to them, they should be able to help you with counselling, which you will need. Just be together all you can be. You have come to a good place here, people will always chat to you. Take care of yourself. Sending you a big hug. Alison.
Thank you most kindly Alison
It is so painful watching someone who was so fit and healthy deteriorate so quickly. Last December my Keef had begun to shed a huge amount of weight, which he kept on saying was because of his frozen shoulder. He got so bad that he actually preferred drinking white wine to beer or whisky!! He was rushed into hospital on 19th January because he couldn’t breathe, but I was with him every day, and most nights. He couldn’t eat or drink anything and had major trouble communicating towards the end. On the 11th February at about 8pm I needed to leave him for a moment to go to the loo, when I came back (only gone less than 5 minutes) the nurses etc were round him then they turned round to say he’d gone. I literally collapsed but am so glad that I could be there at the end, just wish that he’d had the cancer diagnosed earlier when he could have had the treatment. If you can still have a conversation do as there are so many things we never said.
I watched my husband die from a sarcoma in July. He was diagnosed in January and referred to the Royal Marsden as the only place capable of treating his cancer. He endured two rounds of chemotherapy before they rescanned him and told us it wasn’t working. We were referred to palliative care under our local hospice. We were told three months. He got much better once off chemotherapy and we even managed a month in Spain but on our return, in early June, the deterioration quickened. He was rarely in pain but struggled to breathe. They could find no cause for the breathlessness but it continued. Then on 12th July he haemorrhaged early morning and was really struggling for breath, which distressed him. The paramedics took him into the hospice. That day the Palliative Care Consultant’s advice to me moved quickly from ‘here for stabilisation and respite’ to ‘it will only be days now’ to ‘you had better summon your family’. His lower limbs mottled and his legs became very restless. He got more and more agitated, desperately struggling for breath. I asked them to help to put him out if that awful discomfort. They gave him morphine and sedatives. He died within hours with my daughter and me holding his hands. Watching his breathing slow and then stop was the hardest thing I have ever done and I can’t get it out of my head.
It is an awful awful journey. His funeral was on Wednesday and I am now waiting still for him to come walking through the door with his lovely smile and a hug for me.
Hi Ollie and you’ve done the right thing coming on here, sad but true and in the end it will help.
I went through what you are about to with my wife last novemeber. I won’t pull any punches, I thought I might be ready becasue it was expected but I wasn’t, it’s going to be rough. The only advice I can give is to reiterate what others have already said and that you seem to be doing, spend all the time you can with her, talk and ask everything that you need to , it might be painful now but it will help in the long run. There are monents of beauty and connection in it and you will find them later as you journey on. And thats a journey we can help you with, again it’s tough, I really was lost at first, gone, destroyed, but now I’m here telling you about it and you will be doing that one day. Keep reaching out on here people will help as they can, we’ve all been to where your going and we can listen and help you to understnad as others did for us.
@walan That was so moving
Also and I wish someone had told me this so here goes. I found my wife’s last days to be utterly unpredictable, situations would just present and develop but I found the courage to keep going, it broke my heart sometimes, but I found it. And you will too. Your wife will know that, you will not fail her.
I spoke to myton hospice counselling recently.
The lady was very nice and has helped many people in our situations before.
My mum passed away whilst my dad had just gone to speak to the nurse at the home they were in.
In that minute my mum passed away… my dad kicks himself always for this.
The counselor told me this is something she hears regularly and strongly believes that some people choose to pass away at a time when there loved ones are briefly away, to try and save them from remebering that particular moment as a very painful memory.
I hope this may help in some small way.
Hi Ollie1 - my husband waited until I walked into the kitchen & passed away within minutes of me walking away. Even the Macmillan nurses did not expect him to go so soon. I am grateful now that he did pass without me actually seeing it, at the time I was really upset. But he knew I had watched my dad go 15 months prior & knew how distressed I was by it. Just take comfort in the fact you are with her, loving her. xx
I did think that, to be honest, but I do still feel a bit guilty that I wasn’t there holding his hand when he went. The only consolation I have though is that he didn’t look like himself in the end because he’d lost so much weight and the nursing staff, despite numerous promises, had never bothered to shave him or cut his hair. My Keef was always clean shaven and also on his head! Hopefully I will get to speak to a counsellor soon to try and talk some of these painful things through, but thank you for telling me that. xx
Just a bliming nightmare ! Cherish these times … it was similar to my husband although he was at home i had to get strength from my kids and later i had to rely on my mum of 83 … dont feel guilty ! Theyre still our parents xxx