Waves of grief

Hi everyone
I wanted firstly to say thank you for being here because I felt so lonely and tearful in the middle of the night last night and reading your posts helped me to realise it’s totally normal to feel this way at the moment.
I lost my lovely dad in June quite suddenly. He was 80 and had been in a home for a short time because he had dementia. My first reaction was of relief - for my dad mainly because he was also depressed and anxious and was not really having much of a life despite the fact the people at the home were lovely. Now I feel really cheated out of the years I had imagined we’d still have him for. He was always so fit and healthy until he suddenly wasn’t and went downhill. He was always a confidant and I was for him. I miss that relationship so much and I don’t feel I have anyone in my life I can turn to in quite the same way. It’s also complicated by the fact my mum was diagnosed with a type of dementia when I was 26 and went into a home for 13 years, passing away 10 years ago just after my second daughter was born. I don’t think I properly took time to grieve her loss because of family and work and life being so hectic, and so dad passing feels like a double whammy.
Anyway it’s hard feeling light hearted right now which is really out of character for me because I like to joke about and used to not get upset about much - maybe because I was running away from my feelings, who knows? I know I just need to accept it but I feel guilty for wasting hours in tears. I feel like I’ve been hit by another huge wave - I’ve been mainly ok - well there have been a few big waves before this but I think once they’ve passed you forget them.
Anyone else feeling like this?

Hi Victoria
I feel the same as you
I also lost my dad in June, a few years younger than yours. He literally passed out of nowhere - he died in his sleep after a fun night out with my mom. I was planning (in my mind) to do a world tour with him of ancient unexplainable architecture when he turned 80 in a few years because at that point my teenage kids would be a bit older and I would have some more freedoms.
Just letting you know that we are both normal. I was coping ok for a bit , but then this past week, I was a mess yet again. I am also similar to you in personality - calm, usually witty (so I think), and not easily rattled. I see myself now getting frustrated by more mundane things.
The waves go back to sea, then arrive again to try to take us down - but we get back up!
You will get back up.
So sorry about your dad - its hard to see our security float away like a bubble even as sturdy adults.
Ell

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Hi Victoria
I’m 48 and I lost my lovely mum aged 74 to a sudden brain haemorrhage in june.
I’m absolutely lost without her. We lost my dad 21 years ago but it was bearable because I had my mum and we threw ourselves into doing things together, having holidays and then bringing up my daughter together who is 12.
I’m feeling worse now than I have before. It’s been 7 and a half months and I’m getting more down as the weeks are passing.
I used to be funny, sarcastic and used to laugh all the time. My mum used to say she loved seeing me happy.
Since she has died I am so miserable and this is affecting my health, my relationship with my partner and I know it affects my daughter.
I dont know how to pick myself up. I miss my mum so so much and cant see past that.
So yes I feel the same as you x

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Hi ell,

Isnt it funny how we are feeling the same?
My mum and I were looking forward to a cruise when I retire in 6 years time. Mum would have been 81 but that didn’t faze us. We thought she would be around till at least 90.
I feel do robbed! 74? What the hell?
Anyway I can see that I’m not on my own in thinking the way I do. And I’m reassured to see you are also the same even though you lost your dad when i lost my mum and you normally sound so ‘with it’ and positive.
Cheryl x

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Thanks Ell

Great to know I’m not alone - grief does make you feel isolated I think.

Appreciate your honesty. X

Hi Cheryl,

Thanks for your replies. My partner is also finding it hard - we argued last night partly because I found it hard to tell him I needed a hug without it sounding like I was criticising him. I was feeling so lost and needy - not my usual self at all really - and he freaked out. I think I need to realise what’s going on when I’m suffering and try to let him know better and not expect him to be telepathic!! :slight_smile:

I am also going through menopause- not sure if this is making things a lot worse but it just adds to the whirlwind I think.

V x

Hi V
I think I knew I would always be like this when mum died but I just wasnt prepared for losing her in such a sudden way and at only 74.
My mum was doing all the bedding plants in the garden and took my daughter shopping in town the weekend before she died. Literally here on day gone the next just like Ell’s dad.
Dont get me wrong, I couldnt have handled watching her deteriorate with a long illness, but the shock of her suddenly leaving me has been too much to bear.
I would love to laugh again but cant see it happening for a very long time. X

Hi Cheryl

Every death is different and every grief is too I think, but as I’ve read elsewhere on this forum, we were actually both really lucky to have had such loving close relationships with our parents, even if they were cut too short. I believe in time I will be able to feel the love my parents had for me again. It’s just when you’re down you can’t feel it.
I have done a few things to help with the process including planting some fruit trees at my allotment with my kids in memory of mum and dad and I would like to do more stuff like that to help keep their memory alive. I didn’t do it for my mum until last year when I ran a half marathon, because she was ill such a long time and I found it very hard to talk about her, but I think it’s a healthy thing to try to honour them when not feeling too down/weepy.
V x

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Maybe one day but I cant think like that because it would be accepting that she is dead and I’m not ready for that.
I’m not in denial, I know she is dead but I cant look at photos or plan things in her memory because it makes it real.
I just plod along every day and hope for the best.
Keep in touch.
P.s I’m not menopausal yet but I had my first mammogram this week, kent invite women a year or two early. I needed my mum so much on that day.
I really regretted not discussing them with her. It might have prepared me for how uncomfortable it was!

I hear you! My mum missed everything. My college years (she encouraged my singing and never got to really see how it worked out), not to mention my wedding and kids. It’s gutting but luckily I have other people around who have filled some of the gap. Not all of it of course. I really wish we’d talked about lots of things. That’s why these forums (or other forums about women’s stuff) can help. I joined a menopause one on Facebook which is also kind of reassuring - or I just swap stories with my friends about hot flushes!

I have found counselling so beneficial - I would recommend it.

V x

Hi Cheryl and Victoria,
I am sorry that you lost both of your parents. I still have my mom and am grateful for her - she is spry, works out nearly everyday, she can do like 50 jumping jacks. At the same time, watching her suffer through grief is rough. She has been in 2 car accidents, cant sleep, is nervous, and so at the moment it feels like I lost 1.5 parents plus the parental entity which was its own thing all together with. I hope she finds happiness again. I know that you both will! unfortunately, our partners / spouses have to deal with us until we somehow get back to our “normal” brains. Since it sounds like we all can usually laugh at ourselves, I am sure that we will look back on this in the future with a little bit of comic relief as to the “stupid” things we have said or done. Early on, I wanted an escape hatch and told my partner to take everything - kids, cars, home, etc. just leave me with one suitcase and my computer, I will move somewhere and be a hermit. Omg!! That is insane! Seemed to make sense to me for a few days though. :slight_smile:
Cheryl - thanks for saying that i seem “with it”. You are very supportive and more with it than you realize. You are back to long hours of work and soon there will be more joy in your home - bit by bit. At some point, we can look back on our mom’s and dad’s fondly, with great memories, and not be paralyzed by the grief.
My mom, through her sadness, also has a few pearls of wisdom when she is feeling herself - she says there is a fine line between life and death and we are all walking it. I take from that, a teensy bit of acceptance - the human machine breaks down. We presume this is how it is supposed to go. We ought to have a meter on us, like a battery checker, so we know which parts have x% left of their useful life and which do not.
Ell

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C1971 your message struck a chord as our stories are a little similar, I’m 48 and lost my Dad in April 2018 after he was diagnosed with gall bladder cancer, I spent so much with him and my two sons, I was so devastated when he died but my Mum was still here and she needed me, so I ploughed my attention into her and yesterday she passed away, after being diagnosed with tongue cancer 11 months ago, I am absolutely heartbroken, I lost them both really weeks before they died and watched them both deteriorate every day, it’s harrowing xx

Hi helen,

I’m so sorry to see that your mum has passed away.
Being without both parents is just awful. Be kind to yourself over the coming days and weeks. One hour at a time
Here if you need to chat.
Cheryl x