Well if talking to oneself is a sign of madness...

Coping with bereavement
#1

I am now at the stage of constantly talking to my Richard like he is still here in this home with me, when walking around our-my parkhome room to room…I have just wiped over my trusted SECA weighing scales which i remember taking the train from where we lived in Bedfordshire to the heart of London…We had specifically gone to Harrods…I had bought a pair of SECA weighing scales…( not sure why they are called a pair, as it was only the one scale ) anyway they were rather expensive and also heavy to carry back home on the train but…I have just this minute wiped them over with a sponge-cloth and talking to my Richard asking him if he remembers when we bought them, Harrods, and telling him how good a buy they have been, worth their money…yes i am talking to him as if he is here alongside of me, as if expecting him to answer me with a yes, i do remember…

Jackie…

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#2

Jackie, I thought at one time I was becoming that batty old woman who talks to herself! Now I don’t care.
If I wish to have conversations with my partner I will.
Ok he doesn’t answer me, sadly never shall again, but it gives me comfort telling him what I’m doing or asking his advice.
It also makes things clearer, any problems I may have, in my own mind.
Perhaps it’s a safety valve?

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#3

Me too Jackie - I talk to Gary all the time. Why not ? we don’t know they cannot hear us. I certainly seem to be getting a lot of white feathers when I ask him for a sign. A lot of people believe in the white feathers and if that gives me comfort then I believe too. I do keep it to the house, garden and car … have so far resisted in the supermarket or on the street - but may slip one day. xx

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#4

Hi Jackie
I constantly talk to my dad who passed away 3 months ago, only out loud in the house and at the cemetery, not only that when i ask him a question i answer what i’m sure he would have said, they’re also the places i cry. I also never thought about white feathers before but now i smile when i see them I’m
Just so desperate for signs that some people talk of it’s just been traumatic as it was s sudden death

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#5

Oh I am relieved i am not the only one who walks around holding " normal " conversations with someone who is no longer here inside our home…Well if is our way of keeping our loved one alive, so be it…
Tricia…
…how are you, i know you are now back at work… been quite some time since we last posted together…Tricia, i have seen the odd white feather but i am still awaiting on that one special one-off sign…the one-off sign that never will be repeated again… it hasn’t happened yet…
12 remember…
… sorry i dont know your name…I am Jackie…yes i too am 68 and i often talked to myself even when my Richard was here, and i have told him, i shan’t be stopping now…
…Struggling with…
…apologies as i dont know your Christian name either…
Yes strangely i too answer what i think my Richard would have answered…knowing at some things the answer he would have given me…
Oh yes i still pick a white feather up, give it a soft blow away as i release it…but i am still looking for that one-off, never to be repeated again sign…only then will be content that my Richard lives on…I do very much believe in these special one off signs…i have had a couple of very strange and spiritual signs over the losses of two of my dogs, my fur-babies…these were real experiences…

Jackie…

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#6

Hi Jackie, yes I talk to Brian all the time and have asked him to help me on many occasions. Even in the supermarket. I found shopping particularly hard the first months and would feel terrible. I have almost collapsed with the sheer fear of being in a crowded place and consumed with grief. I have leaned on shelving and asked Brian to come and get me and have then managed to find the strength to carry on. He know’s I don’t like shopping anyway so I’m sure he’s giving me his support.
I feel his presence at the allotment and sure he gives me a warning if I go anywhere near his tools, I’m still too frightened to even pick them up, he was so fussy about them. I don’t even go into his shed (We each had our own sheds) It’s still locked up. .I discuss with him what I’m doing especially when working on his plot. His name is still at the top of it and a seat is by his pond which he loved to sit by.
You will get that one off sign I am sure. I have had many signs from Brian. So real but never creepy. I do become a bit concerned if I don’t hear from him for a while.

Pat xxxx

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#7

Well girls, if you’re mad then I guess we’re all mad. Do we care? Not a jot! :))

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#8

I talk to my son Nick all the time . I don’t want him to become that funny , handsome young whose life suddenly ended in 2015, stuck in time which will gradually beome further and further away from the world Im living in…I’m his dad ,and I always will be. I feel close to him when I talk to him,and it helps me cope with my life .

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#9

My talking to Richard is more on the " do you remember the time Richard when we went there, or bought this, or done that… or " do you remember the time we bought this, it was when we was on one of our holidays, then i might follow it with a " now was it when we was in Devon or the Lake District or Anglesey, i cant remember which place…" yes I am talking to my Richard as if i am expecting him to answer me…

Jackie…

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#10

I’m having a problem at the moment. I am asking my wife what to do but no answer as yet. I have a lot of Nectar points stored up at Sainsbury’s but just have not got the heart to go there. We used to shop there.
I will, but I still feel a bit more time is needed, but that’s procrastination! Facing such challenges is what I need to do. I am doing so much more now that I did and for that I am thankful.
To do or not to do, that is the question. (to paraphrase Shakespeare). Dilemmas seem to arise all the time. So much good well meaning advice from friends and naighbours, but in the end it comes down to how we feel.
I’m back in the main bedroom again, which was a bit of a struggle. I do go to places we went to, so why is Sainsbury’s causing so much of a problem. I dunno!
I give up trying to fathom things out.
As you say Kate, does it matter?
To be honest, like one of the posts said, I just don’t care what anyone thinks who has not suffered. I’m past that stage. I welcome company and even if it’s boring I still feel the need for it. I am a gregarious person and being alone is very upsetting for me. It’s why I come on here and talk to you guys. Where else is there to go? I have tried groups but it’s not for me, nether is churchgoing although I am a believer in the fact that somewhere something governs our lives, and that life can never end, like love, it’s ongoing.
But, to me, love and life are inseparable. That’s why I feel no one ever dies. We get the impression it is so, but life goes on in another dimension. One day we will know.
Thanks for the posts. Take care everyone.

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#11

Your so right Jonathan, we have to move on at our own pace and do what we feel is right for us. If we try to run when we can’t manage it, it causes untold distress and I am trying hard to avoid that.
I also find that being thankful for every little thing that brings us comfort and yes, joy is worth hanging onto.
I have been out this morning for one of my long early morning walks, into the countryside, going along tracks, through dense woodland, parkland and copse, just got back after over four hours.
I was thankful for the company of my beloved best friends (my dogs).
I was thankful for the beautiful countryside and nature surrounding me.
I was thankful for my ability to do this again after wondering a few weeks ago if I would ever be able to go on these walks again.
I was thankful when I put my hand out and visualised Brian holding it. Yes, and I talked to him. It was a walk we did often together and I wanted him there with me today. There were tears but there was a beautiful memory of us being together.
I’m always asking Brian’s advice about things and if he chooses to not reply then so be it. I’m in no rush now and for me this is unusual. I’m an impatient person, wanting everything done yesterday but Brian was just the opposite so he will answer in his own time, just as your wife will also. Their love and strength will come through to us.
I have been lucky and had no one trying to give me advice which is just as well because I usually do what I want to do and I like to make my own decisions, it is all about how we feel but we have to make an effort also. If we don’t try then the only person suffering is ourselves. That glimmer of light is coming through more often now.
Take care Pat xx

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#12

Hi Jonathan
The Sainburys nectar points ! You and me both my friend. About a week ago I created the courage to check our points out at the till. My sweet Anne used to collect them for the big Christmas shop. I don’t know why because there was only the two of us at home? She had accumulated about £120 worth so I’ve started to spend them on my weekly shop. Not that I buy a lot. Then I realised.When I shop at Ldl my bill is so much cheaper. Anne and I have been buying our points all this time ! ! ! So when I’ve blown the lot that’s it for me. Back to Ldl. I’ve put another post up called 'Am I tempting the devil or am I strange." That explains where I am at the moment with the grief and passing of my twin soul.

Love and Light. Geoff.

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#13

My mum died from cancer two-and-a-half years ago, but I still talk to her all day every day…

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#14

You should . I intend to talk to my son until I die . It’s not hard to do. I love him more than words can say .

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#15

Yes talk as if he - she is going to answer you, hold a conversation of " do you remember when we " done this or that, went to that place…

Jackie…

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#16

That but also things I’m thinking or doing , stuff that’s going on in my life.

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#17

For me i am more reminiscing of what was once…

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#18

I don’t think of death as the end of the journey , just a part of it .With all my heart I’d love Nick to be here now, but I emphatically believe that a relationship as close as mine was with him never dies and that communing with now although far from.ideal, will have to do until I myself die and communication becomes easier . That’s what I believe anyway .I accept I could just be kidding myself and after death that really is it, but I don’t believe these views have arisen solely out of grief although that plays a part of it, it doesn’t seem logical that our spirits only exist for 80 odd years , a .blink of an eye .

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#19

Dear Jackie … as they say I am ok one day and then in bits the next. I am not back full time yet - but will be soon - but working from home one day a week - it does distract me and I am finding it easier than I thought. I am away for a few days with my daughter and we keep saying how he would love it here . I bought his glasses with me as the case fell into a shoe when I was packing . So hope he is here too ~ think that was a message. Tears of course but knew it would be hard at times . Miss him so much but have to just get on with it . And my daughter has made me laugh as she has his sense of humour. But we sat on a bench by the shore last night - talked about him. Talked to him and had a few tears together.
Take care
Trisha Xx

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#20

Tricia…
…just wished i had an escape route like you…i would welcome my health back, a job t escape to, instead of being stuck inside this parkhome day in and day out just looking at the armchair that he died in…
So you are now taking your Gary to work with you, does he know you are hiding him in your shoe…

Jackie…

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