H was aiming to make it out of hospital for a big BBQ his friends were having this weekend. With an overnight stay.
But he died.
My son and I went to the BBQ. Mostly because everyone said we should try to, and that H would want us too and so on.
Oddly it wasn’t too awful because I felt like H was just talking to some other people, or in a different room. I brought him up in conversation. I tried to be cheerful and sometimes forgot I was in this nightmare for a few minutes only to remember again.
I slept very badly apart from a dream where H suddenly came in through the front door asking why I didn’t pick him up from hospital, but he was translucent and I knew that he was actually dying but I didn’t want to tell him. It was so strange and sad.
I couldn’t get around the house. H would normally help me on the stairs, and to stand from the bed. I was a wreck.
Now I’m very tired and low. Our son is leaving tomorrow for a trip coming back just in time for the funeral. I will be completely alone in the house for a while and I’m dreading it. I also think he’s going to crash on the long drive (8 hours).
There’s no point to this post. I’m just so down and hopeless.
I think most on this forum feel the same ,the emptiness it leaves ,you are not alone on this .
The point is, you’re letting it go. Sharing how you feels helps you release it and let it go. It’s good to share here as there are others who understand. I do have to say, well done, you were so brave to go. That’s no something I could have done so early on.
There are so many of us who feel like you do and it’s good to be on this site and get support.
I have found it just helps to put the feelings down and vent. You are going to feel very lonely with your son gone. When you do log back on to this site there is usually someone to chat to. Xx. Sandra
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. It would be completely abnormal for you not to be feeling exhausted and low!
You are absolutely amazing to have gone to the BBQ!
but be gentle on yourself now.
You will still be in shock.
Sleep when you need to and try not to worry about what may happen. In my experience exhaustion and low mood hit like a freight train, especially after I have pushed myself to do something where normal life seems to go on for everyone else