What Can I do.

There have been posts on here recently about people leaving the site because they find some of the negative posts distressing. I can understand that and I went through the same thing initially. But there are also some really lovely caring posts that do lift one up. I have found that the courage shown by everyone has helped me and kept me on the road to some little peace.
President Kennedy said, " Ask not what my country can do for me, but what I can do for my country". It’s not reading negative posts that may upset, but how we respond to those posts.
Everyone is in pain here. It takes so may diverse forms, but one thing is common to us all. Grief! I feel for anyone who finds it difficult to express emotions on here. It often takes a real effort especially for a ‘private’ person who is not used to opening up to strangers.
But we are not strangers are we. We are not strangers to a common bond of pain and grief. I feel that pain can so often be turned to good. Perhaps our motivation here should be to help others along this difficult path. In grief we can become self centred and introspective. Of course we do, who wouldn’t given the circumstances.
I thought when I first came on here that I was the only one who felt that way. My eyes were opened wide when I began to read the posts. I had no real experience of this sort of grief and the site has and continues to help me.
Of course it has helped me, but my aim is to help others also. When I read a so called negative post I can empathise with the writer because now I know. I don’t think there are really any ‘negative’ posts, just people pouring their feelings out. Surely it’s what this site is about.
We are not saints and can get annoyed at what some may say. But when in such pain, especially in the early stages, do we know what we are saying?
So please, anyone who is thinking of leaving the site think of the contribution you can make that may help someone along the road. Your individual experience may ‘click’ with another. If only one person reads your post and is uplifted you have done something wonderful. Blessings to all.

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Hi jonathan123

I have just joined this site after a few weeks of lurking. There are some heart wrenching stories I have read that have brought me to tears. Tears I might not otherwise had shed so badly if it had not been for the death of my mum just a few weeks ago.
I’m not sure what negative posts look like but I hope my own story I posted hasn’t been perceived as negative. I am very upset and distressed but I’ve found reading the stories of others has resonated very strongly with my own and clearly grief is universal and shared among just about everyone. There is a common way we all suffer in grief and that is obvious from what I have been reading both on this site and all the others I have visited over the last few weeks. I do want to talk about stuff and if I can help others in any way I will. I’m not sure what my contribution will be though as I’m not feeling in a position I can make others feel better. At the very least I can empathise and that is something which I know helps me. I know others cannot make me happy again, that is my own personal journey to battle, but others can offer comfort as I hope I can.
I do find it difficult at times to express myself, especially to strangers and in writing. I don’t really understand myself in this grieving process so I may make some nonsense statements or fail to get my point across in the right way which later I may regret. I apologise in advance if I do that as I didn’t come here to upset people!
In summary, I’m finding this site a help despite finding some of the posts very emotional.
All the best to everyone!

This site is about “non-judgmental” support in a “safe” space. I believe we have choices in what we read. I will often leave a thread and go to another, if I find something too triggering. Most the time, however, I try to offer some measure of comfort to the poster. We all have times of hopelessness and utter despair, and a kind word often helps even those who are not ready to hear it. What is worse is when no one replies at all (on a few occasions I experienced that). I would not want to see members suppress their pain, for fear of offending others. Where else can we openly share our intense heart break, sadness, anger, and the myriad of emotions that accompany grief, if not here? Sister2

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Shaun73, you’ve done nothing wrong at all. I’ve only been on these forums a short while and I believe there are sometimes quite dark posts, which make for perhaps difficult reading. I am alone in my grief and finding others on here who feel the same guilt, remorse, trauma and pain, as I do - a blessing. It helps me realise that i’m not alone. There is comfort in company.

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Hi Shaun,
You have no need to apologise for anything you write on here.
The forum is a space to express whatever you need to that you might not be able to say to anyone else.
Nobody has a right to say what you can and can’t say as long as it’s within the guidelines.
Why are people so hung up about being positive ? It puts yet another pressure on people already struggling to keep going.

If it helps you keep reading and posting whatever you like.
Take care ,Jx

As you so rightly say Jonathan, everyone is in pain and showing it in so many ways.
I would call myself a private person, not easily able to talk about how I feel or show weakness to others, but on this forum I can say how I am feeling that day. Sometimes I try to help another, sometimes I need that help myself and I think it always shows in what we write by the replies we receive.
When the outside world had forgotten our grief we know that our ‘friends’ on this forum will not forget us.
Sometimes I cannot offer any help or encouragement to people and wish I could. I simply don’t know what to say to ease their pain but as time goes on I am able to ‘talk’ more about my life and how I feel and perhaps that will help someone else.
I’m afraid I am one of those people that does try to find some positive thoughts as I don’t want to be like this for the rest of my life. Everyday I ask for HOPE, PEACE, for the grief to ease and contentment to come back in my life. This does not mean I will forget my Brian, he will be on that journey with me and I know he would want these things as well.
Thankyou again Jonathan for helping.

Pat xx

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Your right this forum is for expressing whatever you need to say. Some will agree, some will disagree, that is what it’s all about but we are all grieving so should understand.
Some of us do try to be positive and I don’t feel that it adds another pressure. Not for me anyway, it gives me the hope that one day I will find some peace and contentment again. When I do something I get some enjoyment from I feel good about myself, even if for only a short time. Like everyone else I am struggling but perhaps because I want to find some acceptance that my life has changed for good I am inwardly challenging myself to get through it. I’m sure my Brian would have been coping much better than I am although he was very laid back and a quiet man.
Yes keep reading and posting because every one is struggling in their own way.

xx

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Hi. Shaun. I only used the word 'negative because it’s the word that came up in the posts I read about leaving the site. It’s not a word I would normally use. What is positive or negative in this journey?
You have no need whatever to apologise; but about what? You have opened your heart to us all and we reciprocate by trying to give you some comfort, as you do to us. As Pat says, that’s what its all about.
Compassion and kindness must be present, and yes, love. It’s all here.
I doubt any of us has not said something silly or nonsensical. But it does depend on who reads it. What may seem nonsense to one may be wisdom to another.
I think someone here said in a post do we expect someone to wave a magic wand and we will all be OK!? This is a bereavement website, and to find someone dancing with happiness might be difficult.
I used to find some posts depressing at first, but not now. Not now I realise where they are coming from and the pain involved.
I am sure Shaun you can help others, but it’s early days yet for you. If you stick with it here you will find as time goes on some degree of comfort from the posts. Take care.

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Hello Shaun. You have absolutely nothing to apologise for. You have written from the heart and excellently.
You are so right no one can make us feel happy, it has to come from within ourselves but to just know there are others out there with exactly the same feelings as yourself does make it a little easier. I thought I was the only one suffering until I found this site and it made me realise that we are a great big family and most people will offer that hand of friendship if asked. As Jonathan says I had no idea what was ahead of me the day I lost Brian. Grief has no time limit and mood swings are forever there with us. We don’t understand what is happening to us but someone on this site will pick up and understand exactly. When you are ready you will find that you can offer some help to another fellow sufferer, otherwise keep with us and there are many kind people to help you. You have the choice at what you can read and what you are ready for. No rush. Good Luck

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Hi,
If being positive works for you that’s great. I’m glad it helps you and doesn’t put any pressure on you.
My concern is for the people who feel like failures because they can’t be positive about the future.
All those books like " The Power Of Positive Thinking " make a lot of people feel there’s something wrong with them if they can’t think positively about the future.
I’ve likened it before to cancer patients who are told they’ll get better if they’d only be more positive.
Then think it’s their fault they haven’t recovered.
I just like to see people feeling free to say whatever they want on here.
Wishing everyone well. Jx

Thanks to all who replied to my message. I won’t apologise then :slight_smile:
This site may not be for everyone as everyone deals with grief in their own way. I have to admit, some of the posts affect me badly when I read them and that’s only because I empathise and and feel very bad that others are suffering. I guess that’s what makes us/me human so I can understand why some might need to escape and deal with their grief away from the groups if they find it is too much to bear here. For me, this is a comforting, safe place to be with some lovely genuine people so I plan to stick around a while and get to know others and their stories. I knew that if I closed down after my mum died then that would spiral me into despair so I’ve tried to engage people whenever I can and take up offers of walks with friends while offloading my inner thoughts to them. This site to me is another tool in my arsenal to keep me sane.
My positive thought right now is that I am hope that one day I’ll be positive, if that makes sense! Just not quite yet. I hope eventually you all find positivity in your own way and live a fulfilling life as a consequence, and that includes me. If people are willing to listen to me then I’m very willing to listen to them.

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Glad you are here Shaun73. Try not to force positivity. Take your time and be gentle with yourself. I am a bit over a year on from losing my beloved Sister to Cancer, and many days are still so dark and desperate. Grief has no expiration date. Take care and post again, yes we will listen.
Xxx, Sister2

Hello Jackie. I’m not sure I am positive or that it helps, I just try to find some acceptance in my life. I am all over the place although family and friends think I’m still the strong person I used to be when really I constantly feel I’m letting myself down. It’s a struggle and like everyone else I get tired and hope for a reprieve from this pain. I don’t feel a failure however, I just don’t understand what has happened to me. I am confused, certainly not walking around saying how positive I am, I just want to find some hope again. I don’t want to be miserable, or bad company, I don’t want to become a recluse with no happiness in life. I struggle in company now which was never a problem. I let what I feel each day just happen and if it’s a decent day then I am relieved.
I think we all say what we feel on the forum that is why it helps us. I don’t think I could talk face to face like I do on the forum.
Do take care xxx

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Sister2,
Thank you for your kind words. Sorry to hear about your sister. My wife had a close brush with that horrible disease not that long ago and survived thankfully. Dark days those were. I shall keep posting my ramblings and I hope you manage to cope a little bit better in the future. I almost don’t want the grief to end, strange thing to say I know! Guess I just don’t want to lose that loving connection. Shaun x

This is a club that none of us ever perceived that we would ever join but it just goes to show as human beings our desire to bond with others who are walking in our shoes as we are all trying to navigate this journey in grief, pain and suffering. We are all strangers yet all inter connected. For me we are all links in a chain of universal love, hope, sorrow, joy, hope and compassion. Losing a loved one disconnects us from the world we knew, one that felt safe, secure and filled with love. We now have to find our way in a new unfamiliar world and become once again a link in the chain of life. We seek a common denominator and one that brings us closer together. Death reunites us through love and death can never separate us from the love that is inbuilt in our very souls. Through grief, together we can express that love and allow it to unite us back into the world we live knowing we never walk alone. There can never be an apology in grief because what we feel is real and very individual and should not be denied as it is an expression of the love within is that needs an expression. We join this site for help, support, compassion and guidance but ultimately the legacy of our loved ones brings us to express and extend their love and ours to others in need. It welds the link into the chain of life where nothing else matters but to be reunited for the very purpose we are here in life to live, give, help others and to express love without any conditions

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I am not going to preach about positivity in grief but I will say at a stage when we are ready in our journey the death of a loved one shows each of us the biggest positivity life on this planet can ever teach us and that is the true meaning of life and love in all it’s rawness and draws out of all us a deeper love for everything that we could ever know was possible. Embrace grief as it is the biggest lesson of why we exist on this Earth and brings forth the deep love that exists in all of us…time is not only the greatest healer but the greatest understanding of why we are here

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We all have to own our pain and suffering individually but collectively the love needs to be shared and worn like a badge of honour in memory of our loved ones because their spirit not only lives on through us but also the world they once lived in

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