What do I do now? Husband loss

I know it seems a stupid question above but my husband, Phil, always had the answers and even though I have family around me I feel like shouting and screaming at everyone no I’m not coping, no I dont feel okay, even though I sound okay I feel like crying out like a wolf. I feel like curling up and never opening my eyes again. No I am not strong. Yes I know he is around me but I dont care I want him and only him. For all his moaning etc etc etc he was mine. We had laughs, banter, argued for the fun of it and just basically wound each other up but above all we loved each other. Phil had a heart attack in November 2009. He survived and carried on as normal taking his medication morning and night. He was overweight and I asked him often to watch what he ate but he said he was doing the things the way he wanted to. Didnt eat loads because he looked after our granddaughter two days a week as he had retired although he was not State Pension age. He had a pension from where he used to work.

He cooked the meals and loved cooking and my son and daughter always went to him if they had any questions about anything basically because he was the “main man” (Im smiling now).

He died suddenly on Thursday 19 Jan 2017. I was expecting him to pick me up from work but when he hadnt turned up after 15 minutes I telephoned my daughter because he wasnt answering his mobile. My daughter said she would go round to see if he was there as she only lives in the next road. When she seen the car there she knew that something was very wrong. When she went in he was sitting up as though he was asleep and when she felt him he was cold so she telephoned me in a panic saying he was gone screaming. She rang my son who went came to ours and then my daughter in law came to pick me up from work. The Coroner so that he had an enlarged heart and that he was overweight and basically his heart just stopped beating. My son has asked for a copy of the Coroner’s report because he cannot get his head round it.

My son and I went to pick his ashes up today and the flowers.

My daughter is getting married in April so she is really feeling it that she wont have her dad walking her down the aisle.

I cant look at photos, the same programmes we used to watch, music, clothes anything. My friend who did the flowers also gave me a Condolensces Book for everyone to write in which I havent looked at yet. There were many at his funeral and for that I am thankful for.

To be honest I just want him and only him. Nothing more nothing less.

I feel for everyone going through this ordeal. I cant go back to work yet because I am not sleeping at all. I know he is around us all but 63 is too young to go. I wanted to spend some of our retirement years together and that will never happen now. My kids and grandkids are missing him badly.

I hate life very much at the moment.

Thanks for taking the time to read this xx

Hi Colleen,
I too lost my hubby way too young, he was 67 , I am 54 and like you hubby was not working and I am. He passed away on Dec 15th. I am still trying to come to terms with it as well, the future seems very bleak and I can relate completely to wanting to curl up into a ball and hide away. I have been forcing myself to go out though and meet people, I go swimming once a week with my daughter in law and have joined a natter and crochet group, I find that although I don’t want to go when I am home before I go, once I am there I enjoy it, having something else to think about.
Frank also had a heart attack in 2009 although it was multiple cancers that he died of, we had 6 days from diagnosis to him dying, at least those 6 days gave us (my sons and myself) a chance to say goodbye and tell him we loved him etc, you didnt even get that.
Please please remember you are not alone and we are all here for you if you want to rant, cry, or just want a message to say you are not alone and what you are feeling is normal.

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Thank you Pandy. I am sorry for your loss. I know that friends are trying to be helpful but how are you feeling doesnt help. I am feeling rubbish. Although I am very spiritual and I am going to learn the gifts that are on offer to make me feel closer to him.

I have just spokento my Doctor who is going to give me stronger sleeping tablets because the other ones are doing nothing at all and I just feel washed out and just not myself.

The things I am getting from websites and places like this is that we have to grief as long as we want although at some point I will be going back to work in about possibly a months time. My family are doing all they can for me and I would be lost without them but I am still in my own zone if you understand what I mean.

Thanks for the offer of support and I may well take you up on it. The same goes to you too.

Just waiting for a shopping delivery and I will then go the library and get my marriage certificate copied and get on dealing with everything that is part and parcel of of the bereavement process.

My thoughts are with you xx

O bless ya I read your post and my heart went out to you, I could feel your pain, rest assured that we all understand what you are going through as we have all lost someone very dear and sometimes you read a post and its exactly what you yourself are feeling, I emphasize with you, I too lost my hubby to a sudden heart attack a year tomorrow and its gonna be an awful day I have teenage daughters and we are going to go to Duxford air museum where I took him to celebrate his birthday and he had a flight in an old plane, we never finished looking round so we are going to do that for him, like you he was my rock and its when I need to do something or repair something and can’t that I sit on the floor with a drill or screwdriver and cry life is unfair and like you I feel cheated that we are not going to get our retirement together. I wonder when the pain will ease as I still feel like i’m in a bubble. best wishes .

Hi Gailee
I am sorry for your loss. The thing is I am always reading and looking at things that pertain to me. Some people say you go through several stages of grief and it gets easier but I have seen other comments from people to say that after a year or two three four five and so on they are still not over it. We are all different. We all have to get through it in anyway we can. There will not be a day that goes by when I will not think of Phil because I thought about my Nan every day (as I have been told she is around me in spirit) and I will do the same with Phil and no I dont want to get use to losing him I want to miss him every single day of my life until I am reunited with him so if friends say I am strong I say no I am not strong. I will get through it with family and friends, I say no I wont get through it with family and friends I want the other part of me the one who said he would marry me two weeks after going out with each other (we worked in the same workplace so he had been plucking up the courage to ask me for months). I feel like saying to people (and its not their fault) when the say how are you because they probably dont know what to say. Im like I feel terrible and I havent and I wont get over it ever but thats because I am still in this whirlwind of being a widow. What a horrible word! I hate being a widow and everything it entails. Give me my humourous wind up of a husband back not the ashes that sit on my table waiting to go into a lovely pot I will buy. My son has already bought a silver heart for some of his dad’s ashes and my daughter is getting some of the sewn into her wedding dress when she gets married in April. Her dad was made up to be walking her down the aisle. She has been with her fiancee since she was 18 and she is 32 now. Life is very cruel and at the moment I dont want to face the world it can get on very well on its own without me.
My thoughts are with you xxxx

Hi My husband died 11.01.2017, he was 48. It is so hard, I feel so alone at times.I have 3 children 2 boys 23 and 19 and a daughter 15. I dont know what to say, other than sorry for you loss and there others unfortunately in the same situation. I could tell you all the cliche but youve probably heard them all. Im just so lost without Sam, so Im just allowing myself to grieve however I need to. I have found myself getting grumpy because I want to be part of a couple. Not any old couple, me and Sam. I was proud to be married and I wanted us to grow old together. I hope you find a way through this time, it is just not right.

I lost my lovely husband John to cancer on 19.1.17, he was 55. Reading other people’s stories has made me realise that it is not only me that is suffering this terrible hurt.
I cry every day, I miss him so much and can’t see any end to this pain. We had so many plans for the future and it feels so wrong that he was taken from me so soon. I find it so hard to carry on with mundane tasks and when I go out everyone seems to be part of a couple and that should gave been us.
At the moment my thoughts are about the last couple of weeks of Johns life and I can’t forget how much pain he suffered and the agony of watching someone you love so much die. Well meaning people keep telling me it will get easier but this pain is still the same as the say I lost him.
I have a lovely supportive family but all I want is john

Hi Butty41
Sorry its taken me so long to respond but, as you know, you get caught up with all the bills etc you have to sort out.
Phil had an overdraft with the bank and because the account was in our joint names, which I never used, they are wanting me to pay the money back. They well we will take your husband’s name off the account and make it into your sole name blah blah blah. No I dont want his name taking off like he is a no-one I just want him to come home. My grandson keeps on saying Granddad broke - sky all the time. I think he and my other small granddaughter can see him and speak to him although I have had many signs and many messages from the spirit world. I know some people dont believe but I do and even though I feel like screaming and shouting and saying when friends ask am I ok no im not I wont be for years but its hard for people to know what to say because some of them have not lost anyone so they dont know the feelings of utter devastation and I keep on saying us instead of me which is something that really pains me when I realise its me now.
Like you there are no words I can say to make it okay for you and your children. My son is finding it hard who is 34 and my daughter is stronger like her dad and she is getting married in April with no dad to walk her down the aisle. She worshipped him. She went to him more than me because I was in work and her dad had retired when he was about 55 but I think she feels she has to be strong like her dad would want her to be but I waiting for her to grieve and I’ve told her that she doesnt have to be strong all the time.
My thoughts are with you and your childrenx

Dear Joanne I totally understand where you are coming from like I have said before to other people. When friends say you are strong and you have a good family. I said to someone I dont feel strong and I dont want my family I just want Phil and only Phil. I know it was a bit harsh but the amount of times I have screamed to Phil that I wont be able to cope without him and that I need to be with him but I know that he would be annoyed with me because my daughter has already said she doesnt want to hear me talking like that because she is missing her dad so much and the thought of losing me as well worried her. I said it was just the way I was feeling but I still sob to Phil the same thing but I have been told that he is around me all the time and giving me signs as well as my son and daughter.
I know what you mean about couples. My daughter and I took Phil’s flowers and put them on our families graves (and a feather landed on our Hayley) then we went for something to eat and all I could see were couples all around and I thought that should be me. I’ve got no-one to go home to and it was all so sudden. One minute there the next gone. I hate life at the minute and no I dont want to get over it and I wont find it easier in time as Ive seen others commenting on Facebook etc and some still very much feel the pain after years and that will be me. My life, at the moment, feels like it has ended because when you have been with someone for nearly 40 years of your life you cant just get on with it. I cant touch Phil’s clothes, watch the same programmes even the one I watched and Phil didnt Holby City and he used to wind me up about it but I cant watch it. All the things we did and like you had planned gone. Phil is talking to me and telling me to get my act together. He has gone to other side and he is happy and he doesnt want no tears from me but to laugh at the good times we all had but I cant yet.
Take care Joanne and my thoughts are with you xx

we are often too hard on ourselves and set far too high an expectations as to when we SHOULD do things or SHOULD feel or how long we SHOULD be a certain way…

and then we beat ourselves up about things we can’t find answers to…or if we don’t meet our own ridiculous expectations…

we find it a lot easier to be compassionate or sympathetic to other people but not to ourselves

at times like these, we need a lot of compassion and kindness and forget that the best source of it is actually from OURSELVES.

i would like to recommend to everyone to have a look at this link below

it is about being kind to ourselves…

so have a look and i hope you will find something useful

www.self-compassion.org

hang in there…

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Hi Jude You have hit the nail right on the head and thank you. I will read more about this. I wish I could help us all but I have not got the power.
x

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Thank you Jude. Was okay this morning but it went downhill from there. Sorting bills and the crying started and wont stop. Hate this feeling with a passion. Many thanks again

In reply to Colleen

Hi Colleen. My husband died three weeks ago tomorrow of Lung Cancer which went to his brain and also affected by dementia. He left us much quicker than anyone thought, although it was obvious that time was short. I had everything set up to bring him home that day (which was his wish), but he passed away at 06.40 am that day. Having managed (more or less) to cope during his illness at home for approx one year, now that he is gone I am just falling apart, and don’t know how I shall get through this. I feel guilty for the times when (out of exhaustion and frustration) I briefly ‘let fly’. It never lasted for more than a few seconds, with me always saying how sorry I was, and that he knew I did not mean it. He always said he understood that it was 'cos I was so tired, but still now I feel guilty. I loved him so much and tried so hard to show this through my everyday care. However much I wish he was still here, I could not wish him to suffer any longer the way he was at the end, and indeed the last few months when his confusion and distress, plus the physical side of the cancer was so great. I hope you do not mind me sharing this with you all.God Bless you all.

Dear Corona I am so sorry for your loss. To be honest, like me, you are still grieving. You were probably grieving when your husband was alive. Dont feel guilty, which is easier said than done I know, your husband will have known how worn out you were and understood that. I was feeling a bit guilty that we argued sometimes but that is married life and you cannot go through married life not arguing at all.
Your husband, if my belief is true, will be happy and healthy now and will be beside you like I have been told Phil is by me and I feel his presence around me all the time and he gives me signs. I cry every day for him and talk to him in conversation like he is here and I know he is listening. We have to take each day as it comes and muddle through. Cry, shout and swear anything that gets you through the day. I cannot look at Phil’s photos or look at him singing on the Karoke or move any of his clothes because I just break down crying. Never let anyone tell you how to grieve. Anytime you want a chat just let me know xxx

Dear Colleen, Thank you so much for your response. It seems that, like me, you have a very strong spiritual belief. That for me is my main consolation, together with the relief that he is no longer suffering in mind and body. Whilst he was alive I told him that death was NOT the end, and that he would heal and become whole again in his new spiritual life and that it would be good. Yes, I do feel him around me so much, and like you talk to him all the time - it does help a little - but we cannot help mourning the loss of their old selves.! I guess because we are human!!

If you ever feel like talking again, please do so. love from Corona

Hi sorry for your loss I understand how you are all feeling I lost my husband in August to a sudden heart attack. He went to work that morning as I did we said " bye love you see you later" then when I got home from work at 6:30 and my husband still hadn’t come home I started to worry and tried to call him but got no answer. The next thing I knew the police were knocking on my door to tell me that he had a fatal heart attack that afternoon and then my world fell apart . My husband wasn’t even ill so why had this happened I’m still trying to come to terms with it now it was the worse day of my whole life . I have 3 grown up children and 5 grandchildren and we are all still in shock and feel its so unfair. Like you we were looking forward to retiring together in a couple of years after working all our lives but now that has all gone. I can relate to everything you say how you feel , I get lots of support from family and friends but like you I just want him back just to have him there to talk to and listen to his silly jokes . He always cheered me up when I had a bad day at work but now it’s just an empty house to come home to . Hope I haven’t gone on to much but it helps just to let out your feelings on this page and knowing that others can relate to how you are feeling . Hope that you can find a way forward I’m still trying but haven’t found my way yet take care thinking of you x

Dear Corona
Thanks for your reply. I just feel so mixed up and I am finding it hard. I returned to work this week and on the Monday my son took me in his car and I was crying my eyes out but in work it did put my mind onto something else but when I came home I was crying because my normal routine had completely changed. I have cried every morning and night this week and more so tonight because Phil is no more in this life and even though I speak to him and ask him and my Angels to help me and they do but, and I hate to say this, it gets harder. Whether it is because I am back in work and I am totally exhausted tonight or because a new lady has started and has been moaning a bit but I couldnt stop the tears from falling. I think I am angry as well. Why did you let me lean on you and you wanting to take control for you to leave me. I continue to feel him around me and I speak to him when I am going to bed and he seems to relax me but I cannot see me ever getting over it. My son said this morning that he will never get over it. Yes I’ve lost my Nan who was 101 but we were expecting that and I was worried about how my dad would take it so I did not grieve too much although I have spoken to her every day since before Phil passed over.

Your husband like mine will never leave you and he will be well in his new spiritual home as youve said and that is the only thing that gives me solace as well my kids (adults). My dad says there are people who are worse off and I know that but that doesnt make me feel any happier. Its not a competition no matter how our loved ones died we all feel feel it and grieve in our own way. People tell you different things to try and help and make you feel better but that is far from easy. I was guilty of doing that myself. I told a friends wife when he died that he would always be around her when she said she would miss him and she had been with him for many years. I feel so stupid for saying that now because for some that is no help whatsoever and if I meet her again I will tell her that.

I hope your day has been manageable. I hate it when people say I am strong because I dont feel strong so I would never say anything like that to you. Try and get through the days the best way you can. Cry if you want, scream if you want, just do anything you want to get through it because whether it is recent or years ago I feel and I’ve seen on different sites time is not a healer. If you want to come on here for a shout or scream please feel free because that is what I have just done.

Take care Corona and take comfort from the spiritual side because that is all I am hanging onto at the minute as well as my family otherwise I would not want to be here full stop.

xxx

HI Mickath
Thank you for your response. I am also sorry for your loss. As you can see from the other posts I have put on here and the replies given it is a huge whole for everyone. Please see the one I have just penned to Corona. I said to my son this morning that I hate friends saying I’m strong because I dont feel strong. He said mum its because some people wouldnt be able to get up, eat, have a shower or go to work. You are doing all of those things. Some people drink away the rest of their lives because they cannot cope but you are. We had turned up to work by then but I had a think about it and I thought maybe I am strong in a way but Phil keeps on at me to get through it and weve got family that I need to think of and also I want him to be proud of me which I know he is but I also have to keep strong because our daughter, as mentioned in one of my replies, is getting married in April and that is going to be very hard indeed. If I did anything to myself once I met Phil in the spirit world he would be very annoyed with me because of what I had done. I also have to think about my dad who has been very good with me and listened to me when I have been crying my eyes out which I know upsets him as well.

I really feel for you because you just dont think its going to happen when they have been okay. I wont say your husband is always around you because it helps sometimes but not all the time. One minute I think yes I’m coping and the next you get hit by the wave and it floats you back to the beginning. I am not going to be someone who puts a brave face on (although I do sometimes) I will say whats on my mind and if I feel like crying I will do. I dont like to do it in front of the grandkids although I am doing it in front of them now but that could be because it is my first week back in work (I hope so!). I am looking at alternative remedies i.e. Reiki and Meditation, things like that.

Keep up with your replies and posts on here I think sometimes it does us good. If you ever need a chat let me know. I always receive an email and I will come back asap after I have finished work xxxx

Hi everything you say in your post I can relate to . This journey of grief is different everyday being back at work is helping a little but if I’m honest it’s just something I have to do . Everyday people say hi how are you today and I just answer "ok " but inside I’m thinking how do you think I’m feeling I’ve lost my husband and soulmate and I’m dying inside because I’ve got to live the rest of my life without him so yes I’m "ok " I know people are being kind but I just want to scream at them . Time doesn’t change a thing in fact it just gets worse . Coming home to an empty house after work having tea on your own and not having that special person to speak to about your day is the worse feeling in the world . I just want to turn the clock back and have my normal life back but I know that’s not possible . Hope you are having a better day today . Thinking of you all x

Hi Mickath
I keep on having to check that it was not me because everything you’ve said is what I would have written. Everyone says that to me how are you well how do you think I am. Ive lost my husband who was my everything who I spent all my time with out of work, who loved me with all his heart and me him. I just tell people the truth and say I feel terrible and I will never get over it but probably in the end I will say I feel okay just to shut people up like you. I went to an engagement party last night with family and I got through that but I hate not being part of a couple although my family are really trying hard with me. My son is also getting a bigger car so he can take me out with them. Someone on one of the Facebook Groups Im on mentioned a book by Jan Mayfield which I have just bought so I will let you know what its like. About spiritual things (if you, like me, are into that). Its 8.15pm and I think I’ll go to bed becauseI am shattered and I have got work tomorrow which I’m not looking forward to but my job is fast moving and it makes the day go faster and now we have work till we are 66 I will have to work for another six years but we will wait and see. I dont want to work for all that time. Oh the plans we had for when I was retired. Will have to wait until we meet again. Hate to feel this way. Have not cried today though although have felt like it. The youngest grandson always talks about Phil. Grandad sky grandad sky with a sad look on his face. He melts my heart. I hope you got through today okay x

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