I know it seems a stupid question above but my husband, Phil, always had the answers and even though I have family around me I feel like shouting and screaming at everyone no I’m not coping, no I dont feel okay, even though I sound okay I feel like crying out like a wolf. I feel like curling up and never opening my eyes again. No I am not strong. Yes I know he is around me but I dont care I want him and only him. For all his moaning etc etc etc he was mine. We had laughs, banter, argued for the fun of it and just basically wound each other up but above all we loved each other. Phil had a heart attack in November 2009. He survived and carried on as normal taking his medication morning and night. He was overweight and I asked him often to watch what he ate but he said he was doing the things the way he wanted to. Didnt eat loads because he looked after our granddaughter two days a week as he had retired although he was not State Pension age. He had a pension from where he used to work.
He cooked the meals and loved cooking and my son and daughter always went to him if they had any questions about anything basically because he was the “main man” (Im smiling now).
He died suddenly on Thursday 19 Jan 2017. I was expecting him to pick me up from work but when he hadnt turned up after 15 minutes I telephoned my daughter because he wasnt answering his mobile. My daughter said she would go round to see if he was there as she only lives in the next road. When she seen the car there she knew that something was very wrong. When she went in he was sitting up as though he was asleep and when she felt him he was cold so she telephoned me in a panic saying he was gone screaming. She rang my son who went came to ours and then my daughter in law came to pick me up from work. The Coroner so that he had an enlarged heart and that he was overweight and basically his heart just stopped beating. My son has asked for a copy of the Coroner’s report because he cannot get his head round it.
My son and I went to pick his ashes up today and the flowers.
My daughter is getting married in April so she is really feeling it that she wont have her dad walking her down the aisle.
I cant look at photos, the same programmes we used to watch, music, clothes anything. My friend who did the flowers also gave me a Condolensces Book for everyone to write in which I havent looked at yet. There were many at his funeral and for that I am thankful for.
To be honest I just want him and only him. Nothing more nothing less.
I feel for everyone going through this ordeal. I cant go back to work yet because I am not sleeping at all. I know he is around us all but 63 is too young to go. I wanted to spend some of our retirement years together and that will never happen now. My kids and grandkids are missing him badly.
I hate life very much at the moment.
Thanks for taking the time to read this xx