What do I do now?

I lost my beloved husband in May, he was 57, followed a few weeks later by my mother. I know this is 6 months ago but why am I finding it harder to cope rather than better?
My husband was my rock, we did everything together and without him I am lost and afraid. I am so lucky in many ways and I try to look on my positives, I have two wonderful sons who have been amazing, but I will not become a parent who clings to her children - they have their own grief and their own lives to live. I have tried to get out, to join groups, I put a smile on my face and meet friends but every morning I wake up to a feeling of bleak despair. I feel like I am nearing a point where I am going to crack and let my grief take over. I miss by husband every minute and cannot picture a future without him. Is this going to get any better?

Hello Sue, You ask if it going to get any better well I am twelve months along and have found that I manage to live with the grief and most of the time accept that my life is changing. Being lost and alone and afraid of what life is going to throw at us seems to be what we have to go through and frustrating if your not used to having such feelings.
You are doing all the right things. Not wanting to be a burden to your wonderful son’s, you are trying by joining groups and putting that smile on your face. So many of us can relate to just what you are doing.
I keep busy and have kept up the same hobbies as my husband and I shared but I can still wake up in the morning, with, as you say bleak despair. I also have wanted to lie in bed and wait to die and even told myself I will do this, but I don’t. I get up and go through the day as is expected of me. Just as you probably do. I look for that light and sometimes see it by the way I feel or the things I say and the way I behave in company. When a bad day and the ‘grief monster’ attacks I go through it knowing that tomorrow might well be a lot better. For me each day is a challenge, a challenge to survive and I don’t like being beaten. I also have two wonderful dogs that are my therapists and keep me motivated, and the love is unconditional. As is said so often it’s literally one step at a time, very slowly but remember you are not alone. xxx

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Hi, I lost my father then 6 months later my husband, I have been told that around the 6 months mark the shock has worn off and at that point the realisation kicks in that your world has changed.

I hope that acceptance will follow and good memories will sustain my going forward.

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I wish there was a magical switch off button at the six months stage but there isn’t, at least if there is then I haven’t found it yet and I’ve reached the 12 month stage of my grief. I wasn’t told that the shock would wear off but I was told that at the six month stage you do realise that this is going to be your life and to be honest this can add to your distress as it did me. Now it’s time for the acceptance and those memories to be ones that bring joy and not heartbreak. Non of us know how we are going to cope we just get through each day as best we can and keep looking for that light.
xxx

Hi. Pat. I wonder why we get so caught up with time. There is no set time or depth of suffering in grief. Each individual will experience it in their own way. Like you its over a year now and the second Christmas without my wife. Has it got better? Maybe! There are things I do now that I could not have done a year ago, and places I visit that I could not have gone to. But the pain is still there. Maybe not as bad but still there. It will always be so, but I think in a moderated form.
Only those who don’t know would set a time limit on grief. Time hardly exists. Where the last year went I know not. I never want to go through another year like that. But it has had a flip side and it’s meeting people that I would never have met.
Yes Pat, that elusive light. It’s there because I so often see it, but when I reach out it goes.
Reminds me of the story of the man who chased a butterfly round the room trying to catch it, but fell into a chair exhausted. The butterfly came and sat on his shoulder. Do we dash around looking for relief when we should allow it to happen in it’s own time?
See you Pat and take care. XX

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Thank you all for your replies. What I am learning is that there is no answer, it is just a matter of taking each day as it comes, but what does help is talking to other people who understand.
At this time I feel as if I am living in the wrong reality. The one I should be living is with my husband by my side as we look forward to christmas and the birth of our first grandchild. In the blink of an eye we have been robbed of that future and there is nothing I can do about that. I ask myself why this has happened a hundred times a day but I understand there is no reason or answer. Talking helps.

Dear Sue,
I am so sorry for your losses, it was absolutely horrendous for you losing the two most important people in your life so close to each other. My husband died five years ago and I have learned to live a different kind of life, but I don’t like it at all. I think about what I have lost every single day and do spend much of my time in the past, I can’t seem to accept that this is it for the rest of my life, being without the boy who turned into the man I have loved from the early 60’s, I still love him, I actually crave for him and even though I do kind of enjoy myself when I go out, it is not the same type of enjoyment that it would be with my Peter, because at the end of the day, you go home alone, you go to bed alone and you lay there just wishing for it to be a nightmare.
I consider myself very lucky, in ne way, I have a lovely home, thanks to Peter ensuring he had a private pension and I also can buy what I want when I want but I would give it all up just to have him back with me, I would live in a tent on the moors if I could have him home again.

Sheila.xx

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Hi Jonathan. I realised in the early days that I had changed into a very different person, i honestly never expected this to happen to me. Coming up to losing Brian I had thought about what I would do without him, how I would cope, but, you know nothing was as I expected or planned. I feel like a lost soul sometimes but what I did decide was that life would come and find me, I was not going to run around like a headless chicken trying to make a new life for myself. I chose to continue with the interests that Brian and I shared, which gave me pleasure. I stayed in my comfort zone. However slowly I am managing to make those changes. One of the things I planned was to sell the house immediately, have I done this, no I haven’t, again remaining with the familiar for the time being anyway.
I agree where has the last year gone, It’s been like a bad dream and I also hope I never have to go through anything like this again. I still struggle at times but I’m learning to cope.
Bless you
Pat xxx

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Sue2
Hi.
My thoughts to you - walk Through the Storm; You Are Not Alone.
take a moment. stand or sit and totally relax yourself by controlling your breathing. Then centre on your thoughts and consider “At this moment, what can support me through this…?” You might come up with an answer like 'I have true supportive friends who care about me;
I am here for you
You are not alone; my hands are in yours

Hi. Sue.
You feel as if you are going to crack and let your grief take over. Oh yes!!!
Well let it. I’m not suggesting wallowing in it, but allowing the tears to come, the feelings of utter loss, all of it, is natures way of giving some small relief. If you try and ‘go it alone’ or bottle up your emotions you may find they will out in some way, often physically. You have had a double loss and, God knows, one is enough.
Is it going to get better? YES! But it takes time and time can seem to pass so slowly and every day can seem a burden. It takes as long as it takes and each individual will come to terms with it in their own way.
Mornings are my bad time too. I do chirp up during the day. It does get better though. It’s over a year since my loss and it is better. Just!
Try not to look into the future at the moment. ‘Sufficient unto the day’.
It’s comparatively early days so the old saying applies. ‘One day at a time or even one hour at a time’.
Bless you and be kind to yourself.

Dear friends,
Thank you so much to all those who have shared their own experiences. I am clinging on to the fact that it will get better, or at least i can come to some kind of acceptance. I will grieve for my husband every day of my life, for the future we should have had, and for the years that were stolen from him. However, through this site I am getting a shared message - that the grief never ever goes away but is some ways it perhaps becomes easier to cope and that keeps me going. My son said to me yesterday that we need to be thankful for the time we had for it must be better to have had the many years we did have than never to have known the happiness of those years. I know that to be true. Christmas is a difficult time for us all who have lost a loved one but I am today determined to try to be positive. By next christmas there will be a new member of our family sat with us, our first grandchild is due next Monday. My husband knew the baby was on the way but we also knew he would not live to meet her.
Wishing you all a peaceful Christmas.

Hello, Flower_garden, as far as I am concerned, I am still in shock, 5 months on. I am very sorry that you have suffered a double bereavement. Please take care,
MaryL