What do I do now?

What do I do now? Had so many plans for the summer months, thought I would be able to cope by going out and keeping myself busy. Now the winter is just around the corner all I did over the summer just seems like a waste of time. I made the garden look nice, went out with friends and treated the family to a holiday. I now feel like I’m in the middle of the sea with my head just above the waves flapping about looking for which way to swim but I might as well just go under here, nothing has made this pain ease. I now think there is one thing worse than death and that’s living when everyone else has died. If anything happened to my children I don’t know what I would do. I live in dread of being completely on my own and as my husband died so suddenly I feel certain that the samething will happen to them and I will be the only one left. My father lived for 18 years after my mum had died. I can not imagin another 18 years feeling like this.

Hi Brownie. I have just read your posting and can relate so much to it. I too feel like ‘what do I do now?’ It is like we have to make a new life eventually but of course, we don’t want to because we want our old life back. I like your description of being in the middle of the sea with your head above the waves flapping for which way to swim as I feel exactly the same. Sometimes when people ask me how I am I say I am ‘treading water’. I also can identify with when you say there is one thing worse than death and that’s living when everyone else has died. That is so true. I am on my own now. No partner, no children, no parents, no siblings, no close family - just me! I am absolutely scared beyond words. Take care. Best wishes from Karen

Hi Karen your reply to Brownie has summed exactly up exactly how I feel - scared! I try to tell people how I feel but I don’t think they really understand, but how can they when they are in a good place in their lives. I lost my beloved partner to cancer and wonder if I will ever get over it. I would love to have an online friend, something to look forward to reading their messages. I hope you will write to me. Take care. Cattya.

Hi Cattya and thanks for responding to my message. I am so sorry to hear you lost your partner to cancer. I am so glad I found this community forum because people on here are in the same boat and we all know what we are going through with all the traumatic hurt, pain and roller coaster of emotions. As you said, others who are in a good place in their lives and haven’t suffered what we are going through can’t understand fully how devastating bereavement is. This makes me distance myself from those like that as I get angry and resentful with them and fear I may say things I regret. It is so awful that we both feel so scared as who wants to have to endure life feeling that way? I have woken up in the middle of the night feeling terrified and have actually said out loud “darlin, please help me, I am so frightened”. Dave would have put his arms around me and cuddled me close and talked to me but of course he has gone. As a few of us have said on this forum, the one person who could help is not here anymore. I hate waking in the morning to that terrible stab of pain, loneliness and fear. Yes, Cattya I would love to write to you and be your online friend as we both need all the friends we can get who understand and can empathise with each other and be non judgemental. I find it does help to go on this forum and give and receive messages and you are right, it is something to look forward to and makes you feel less lonely and cut off from the world. Bereavement is such an isolating experience. How long us it since you lost your partner? I lost Dave on 13th July.The last two months have dragged and seemed like forever. Take care and hope to hear from you again soon. Best wishes from Karen

Hi Brownie
I can completely empathise with you my husband died 7 weeks ago and it is so hard. We too had so many plans of what we were going to do in retirement. We’d been together 46 years, life is so unfair. I try to keep busy and I’ve just volunteered at a charity shop and I’ve booked to do a couple of adult evening classes to get me out in the long winter evenings. My family are good but they have their own lives too. I do not want them to worry about me and try to put a brave face on when really I just want to howl. All we can do is take each day and try to get through as our loved ones would want us to do. But it is not what we’d planned. I miss him so much and feel like I’ve had something ripped out of me. Take care. Best wishes Jo

Hi All
So sorry that we have not all met in different circumstances. My story is a little different to yours. My beautiful 24 year old son died very suddenly nearly 5 months ago and I think it is difficult for some people to really understand the total and utter pain we are all going through. I have an amazing husband and 2 other younger children but I find now that I am terrified that something will happen to one of them. My mum also passed away in June 2016 and I know that I would not cope if I lost anyone else. Sometimes I think I would like to lock my husband and children up so that I know they will always be safe, as for me, I live for my husband and kids but other than that life hold nothing for me now. Missing and longing for my son everyday is so difficult but I think you guys all know that feeling and understand what I mean.
Take care of yourselves everyone

Hi Jan, I was so sorry to hear the pain you must be going through. Your sons sudden death so soon after your mothers will make you feel more protective of the other people you love because you have experienced how quickly life can be snatched away. I really know how you feel. My father, sister and husband all died within 3 years. Both my sister and my husband’s deaths came completely out of the blue, no warning signs at all. I, like you, just want to keep my children/grandchild locked away safe. The thought of them driving cars or flying in planes just makes me feel sick but of course they have to live their lives otherwise there was no point in giving birth to them. I don’t know if time will ease this feeling of expecting another disaster just around the corner but I too could not cope with losing another. Please look after youself and I hope time does heal some of your pain. Bx

Hello Karen, I was so sorry to read of your loss and know exactly how it feels, My Husband died of Cancer after I nursed him for 2 years. I still cry when I see a film or something that reminds me of him but thankfully I have two Daughters and Grandchildren, but of course they have their own lives to live. I keep busy with DIY and teach sewing a couple of times a month, but the thing that has really pulled me through is that I got a puppy ( a Bichon Frise) she is a little devil but I walk her twice a day and find that dog owners always talk to you and other people as well because she is so cute.I have also lost a lot of weight because I get more exercise She wakes me up every morning with a “licky wash”, I always said that I wouldn’t allow a dog on the bed but I soon relented when she cried. She is company and I talk to her all the time ( but she only understands some of what I say). Hang in there, I won’t say it gets easier but in time I hope you will find a way of lessening the pain. Best Wishes from Cathy

Hi Cathy and thanks for your kind and supportive message. I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your husband to cancer. To nurse him for two years then finally to lose him must have been devastating for you. I am glad your little dog has helped you. My friend has a dog and she says Blossom is her best friend and has got her through hard times - losing her husband 16 years ago and then breast cancer and she is also good company as, like you said, you can talk to them about anything. My heart aches at my loss of my soul mate and best friend. Dave was my life so now I feel I have died inside, I have a miserable, painful life and face a lonely, and bleak future. This bereavent path is just awful. Someone on this site posted that she felt she was lost at sea with her head bobbing about and not knowing where or how to swim to anywhere. I thought it was a brilliant description and I can surely identify with that. I start my first session at a bereavement support group tomorrow so am hoping that might help as I know it has helped some on here. Anyway, thanks again for your thoughts and support. Take care. Best wishes from Karen

All of the letters above accurately describe me. I lost my husband in June, following an accident. We had been married for 66 years so you can imagine how I feel. The days are bleak but luckily the nights are not too bad with the help of tablets. Before I go to sleep I say a little prayer that I won’t wake up in the mornings but I do, of course, and the pain begins all over again. I would love a cat but we are not allowed pets where I live. I have family but they are leading their own lives again which is how it should be. I have tried phoning Cruse many times but never get through to an advisor. I have heard conflicting reports about them so I think I will look around for something else. Writing on here helps a lot, and at least we are all in the same boat.

I lost my husband of 40 years a couple of weeks ago. He had been suffering with Lewy Body dementia for about eight years, the last three years in a residential home.
He had been in the home he died in for twentyone months and the care he received there was excellent.
I was full of guilt when he had to stay in a home because until then I had been caring for him.
I had purpose until he died, fighting for his right to engage in society, obtaining continuing health care, becoming the gardener at the home and helping others with there loved ones.
Now he has died I am bereft, I feel cheated that the last eight or so years were stolen by a horrible disease.
I keep thinking that he is still alive, that I will go and see him, then I remember he has passed.
I am sleeping badly even with tablets, our cat of 18 years had to be put to sleep about five days before my husband died and I still wake thinking I need to go and feed the cat.
I realise that life goes on and am trying to join classes to take my mind off it.
When people ask, ‘are you ok?’, they mean well and I hope I am civil back but its eating at me that the bottom has dropped out.
Glad to share with like minded folk. Be kind to yourself :heart:

Hi Brownie,

I like your analogy of trying to stay afloat. I’ve used the same one to describe myself at this time.

My DH passed away suddenly & unexpectedly in May. The things that have/will keep me going are my Springer Spaniel Daisy, who I have to walk every day and gives me ‘kissy licks’ every morning when I wake up. She has also just become a therapy pet at a special needs school- which my DH did before he died. She was his dog.

I’ve just started going to a weekly knitting circle with a friend and have taken up knitting after 40 years. It’s so therapeutic, especially in the evenings. I listen to the radio whilst knitting and have my Daisy curled up next to me. It also helps me not dwell on my loss.

It is an awful and I’m going through my first year, so all so alien, strange and very upsetting.

We WILL survive. It’s a basic human instinct. It will gt better, but we have to take it one small step at a time and not look too much into the future.

Let us know how you get on through the winter months. [[Hugs]]

hi Brownie
Reading your message it felt like i could have written it myself. My wife of 26 years died suddenly in April, and i threw myself into sorting out everything, took my family away on holiday and kept busy with friends. The latest thing is sorting out the garden as my wife would have wanted. Activities push my grief to the back of my mind , but when i stop i think “why did i bother?” It all means nothing without my wife; its just meaningless activity, and I start crying and thinking of all the things we planned and didnt get to do. Things don’t seem to be getting better- if anything I miss her more everyday, as the full emotional realisation of my desolation hits home. So you are not alone in feeling this- if thats any comfort .Steve

Thank you Steve for replying. It does help to know that I am not the only one feeling as I do, although I wouldn’t wish any of this to happen to anyone else. I agree with you when you say it is getting worse not better as the realisation that this is forever sinks in. I think of all the places we went and think I will never get to go there again but then I realise it is the fact that I will never go there again with HIM that is upsetting me the most. Perhaps time will ease some of the pain but at the moment I can’t see that happening. Take Care. B.

Hi I too lost my Steve , I’ve just found everything to do with my family his side so strange. I guess I’m going through a lot .
My sister in law we were so close I hardly see her now .
I went away after Steve died and she did not like it .
But I was physically and mentally exhausted,
I can’t bear the way she has behaved towards me but I guess she is grieving too