What do you say

I lost my wonderful husband 15 weeks ago to cancer . We had been together 52 years and married 49 years
People keep asking how I am ,when I’m out, and about
And i dont know what to answer .so my reply is, "I’m alright "
And because i going out and doing things I am getting told I’m doing really well. This is because i have no choice in the matter !!
I know I wear a mask when I’m out and about and the mask comes off when im on my own at home
What i want to ask you, lovely people is :
What do i answer when people ask how you are ,when your heart is broken
I feel people are judging me by how behaving .

Unfortunately we lost our daughter to cancer 15 years ago, She was 31 and comments i got then was
"Oh how you coping . I wouldn’t be able to cope if I lost my daughter/son
What the hell is that saying about me ?
Because i am going out I didn’t love my daughter
I am do glad i have found this site and I’m in contact with people who understands
Thank you

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I get this a lot too. It’s a natural question, it’s almost a habit we have.
“Oh, how are you?” “Oh, I’m fine thanks, how you doing?”

I say, ok, as it would take too long to answer otherwise and to be honest, I can’t be bothered with anything else.

The ones that matter know how I feel and they never ask, as they don’t have to.

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@SHEWITCH 17 months on and I have upgraded the “I’m ok thanks” to one of these:
If at an event, in church, a family/friend gathering (I make myself go - soooo hard!) it’s an “I am here!”
If it’s in the street, coming across someone unexpectedly or as am queuing to pay at the till (our market town is small and EVERYONE knows everyone!) it’s an “I’m out of the house!”.
It gives the person a second or two to register by which time I can ask how they are & avoid trying to take my mask off or admit I feel flat so much of the time that everything is an effort.
If it’s one of my teen children I have learnt to be positive with an “I’m okay, and it’s been a relatively okay day”. I am physically disabled & I don’t want them to worry or feel any guilt about forgeing their own lives.

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@SHEWITCH I used say, I’m okay, I have my good days and bad days. Normally just leave it at that.
But now just over two years later people rarely ask, apart from a couple of close friends. People just assume time has gone by and your back to normal, what ever normal is.
The trouble is life will never be the same again when you’ve lost your partner.
Debbie x

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@SHEWITCH I’m 17 weeks in since I lost my partner.
I hate the question “how am I?” and my depends on who asks me.
If it’s just someone who knows me and not anyone I’d regard as a true friend I just reply I’m as okay as can be expected. I figure they are not really interested in how I am. Just saying what they think they should
My true friends know how I am and don’t need to ask

I would also say don’t worry what others think if you go out. I’ve given up on worrying what others think. Just because I feel broken and lost inside doesn’t mean I can’t go out. As you say we have no choice but to carry on.
This forum has really helped me so keep posting. We’re all here for each other

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Early on, when asked I would answer truthfully “sh*t but I’m plodding on” now I’m never asked - it’s like out of sight out of mind and that hurts.
I’m the one who brings hubby into a conversation.

My answer often would be a conversation stopper but if you say “I’m fine” that’s the response they want to hear.

G. X

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I lost my gorgeous fantastic wife sue on 1st February this year and I am sick of hearing give it time and the other you should be over it by now. My answer is no i,m not over it and will never be. Another reply is have you ever lost someone and theres no time limit on grieving

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People say how are you to be polite and as a formality greeting, I doubt they expect anything other than a standard reply, however, as we are grieving and bereaved, I answer honestly in how I am feeling, depending on who it is asking me, if it’s an acquaintance or neighbour, I usually say I am up and down as can be expected since losing my partner. People who genuinely care will expand and if they don’t then you haven’t wasted too much energy.
We are scarred but our scars are invisible on the outside and what people generally don’t see they don’t ask. I personally believe it’s important to acknowledge OUR feelings, not theirs. Nobody should be judging anyone whatever the reason

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Totally agree it is something we never get over. People truly don’t understand what it is like to lose a soulmate.
I’ve also found crying is a good indicator of letting people how I’m doing. But that I cry on purpose but just can’t stop myself
I met with my work a couple of work colleagues the other week. The asked me how I was doing and I just burst into tears. I think they got the picture that I wasn’t yet ready to return to work!

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Lonely, that is hurtful too.

G. X

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That is so hurtful .hugs

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Oh my lovlies. Hate that question too.
Because I’ve learnt in last 9 months since my husband died, that really this it’s not really for us, it’s for them , so when we say ‘okay’ they can feel okay and carry on with their lives.
I used to say , ’ I’m okay that I’m not okay’ but most didn’t get what I was saying , and responded ’ that’s good then’
Now… depending on who asks, but Mostly I just shrug my shoulders and say nothing, or just lie and weakly say ‘okay’

What I really, really wish someone would do is hug me and say ’ I know you’re not okay, and that’s okay’

(I’m saying that to all of you NOW!)
Love and hugs to you all :heart::heart::hugs::hugs:

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@Sarlyn , you are so right, as usual. I say up and down, or good days and bad days, but people just dont really know what to say and i think before this happened to me i would not have known either. So i try to be generous, at least theyve asked .

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@Freefaller
I found in the beginning because my partner passed suddenly out of the blue from a heart attack most people who knew him, me, or us were shocked themselves so could in fact relate to how I felt but the problem is people stop relating as it’s not their loss. The funeral seems to be the end point for them. They have no clue how hurtful it is to be left behind in no man’s land while they get on with their own lives. I haven’t had any contact from anyone over this bank holiday weekend and for all anyone knows I could be laying on the floor dead, that’s what hits home to me because sadly I don’t have any family or children, friends just ‘assume’ you are ok.
I go back to work tomorrow after 12 weeks, part of me needs to go back, not just to pay the bills but for some structure and routine but the other part of me knows I will be pulled into the real world at the speed of lightening leaving my Jim even further behind. My sadness at the moment is how quickly the dead are forgotten except by the immediate people who loved them

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Thank you. My best friend Sara dies exactly that - she sees me & gives me a hug. She doesn’t need to ask me how I am. And I know I can be honest with her. She has been loveky with my parents too.

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Yep so true … its a massive change for us but they don’t understand cos its not happened to them :frowning: xx

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I too have one friend who gets me, she rings me everyday, she never asks how are you, but about how my work day was , (I work full time) and quite often she also calls me early in the morning too, on her way to work, she knows it just helps me get on with the day.
I’m truly blessed to have her
Xxx

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@SarlynThinking of you today on your return to work. It may be hard, it may be emotional but your love for your Jim will give you strength. Hugs xxx

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Good luck today. Hope it goes smoothly for you as you return to work x

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@SHEWITCH . my answer is ““not good””.

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