Hello Bristles. I am sorry. I feel like that the majority of the time, without little moments of relief it must be… well, a death sentence… or a life sentence… I feel terrible and like that most of the time too, I’m sorry there are no moments of relief for you but yes maybe I am kidding myself calling this comfort and joy… its just what I used to call it “before”.
My life with my husband was all about comfort and joy all year every year. We were not fancy but loved being comfortable at home together having fun together. Sometimes we thought about going on holiday (our acquaintances/colleagues often had fancy holidays like safari or this kind of thing ) but we preferred comfort and joy at home so spent our money on that instead.
Maybe joy is too much of a stretch now but when someone tells me something nice and true about him or talks about him for a long time (like the other day my friend asked me to tell her how we met and telling that to someone who knew him and was asking me interesting questions from the parts she knew gave me close to joy). Though then indeed I cried/sat very sad hours after once alone again.
Last night I followed Pattidot’s suggestion of heartland on Netflix and the episode was about someone grieving and it was interesting and gave me some comfort too. I didnt manage to finish the episode but look forward to doing that. I watched it alone in bed on a tablet wrapped in blankets.
A week or so ago watching “after life” made me laugh out loud which surprised me (it is about a man whose wife died and how angry he was at people and the stupid things they say, I related to some of the evil comments he said to people’s faces iin retaliation and that is what made me laugh).
None of these are close to how I felt in my old life but they are moments of relief through that take me away from this awful suddenly changed reality. I don’t know if I’ll be able to keep finding these moments. Maybe over time the stores will deplete. I hope you find something if only for some minutes but maybe there is nothing as like you say the one thing we really need we cant have… keep breathing…