What is the point?

they say grief is similar to fear in many ways; that’s so true: after she was gone, I have no confidence that I can stand the stress of moving aboard alone; so is my daughter: a week before she passed my daughter was enthusiastically planning to go to UK and study; the day after she lost her mother she said she didn’t want to go. I think we are both in shock and if possible I do want to avoid making big decision. But the situation in my home town is not very good and lots of people emigrate to other country now. My wife was the person who can always come up with good solution in times of crisis. Now without her I feel I am very vulnerable…

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Vulnerable is how I feel. I was always very confident and did a lot independently but knowing that he was there as support if I needed it. Not having that back up is frightening. I keep being told that I will do things to make him proud and for my kids (young adults) but it’s really hard even then.

So sorry for all your losses. It is 17 months for me and like yourselves still feel life is no point anymore days as just pointless just have a job doing anything anymore. This year would and should have been a year of happiness as we would have been married for 50 years our golden anniversary that will now not happen. All started to go wrong 3 years ago. I was about to retire and enjoy a happy life with my beautiful wife Penny​:heart: that didn’t happen. As I retired I myself was feeling unwell when to GP and Hospital kept there was nothing wrong just minor problems like piles after months of arguments. Finally got tests Christmas Eve 2018. Came back in February 2019. You have local advanced prostate cancer then had hormone therapy messed up was overdosed for 3 months before it was discovered eventually had 20 days of Radiotherapy June/July 2019. . 2days in to my Radiotherapy my wife Penny :heart: Started suffering back pain problems. Taken to GP to be told it was Siatica. On 17th October Penny collapsed in the bedroom taken to hospital and diagnosed with Mets Breast cancer and passed away on 6th November 2019 just 21 days after diagnosis Aged 67. As I was having Radiotherapy I also lost a very good Friend Les to cancer then I lost my cousin Carol to cancer on the 19th August 2019. Carol was then cremated on my birthday. 18th September 2019. a month later my wife Penny :heart: Collapsed. Iife without Penny :heart: Is just so painful we had been married for 48 years and 5 months. Met Penny when she was just 16. Married Penny :heart: When she was 18 on Saturday the 5th June 1971 we lived just 15 doors from each other in the same road. Life will never be the same without her and just feel so pointless anymore. Just hope all of you on this forum find some kind of relief to your grieving. Please all take care we all need it.

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when my wife was by my side, it’s like I have a refuge: knowing that she would love and support you no matter what gives me peace of mind. Now I’ve lost that feeling of security.

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I know exactly what you mean.

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I know how you feel. It would have been our 40th anniversary next week and her birthday soon as well. I tri to hide how much my heart is breaking. But I keep thinking of my we grandkids and there all that’s keeping me going there smile s just lift me for a short time till they go home then the darkness creeps back. I wish I could help you with advice but I don’t have any. Just look for smile s were you can find them and at least the pain goes for a while. :heart::heart::heart::heart:

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What a roller coaster ride you are on. I sincerely hope, for her memory, and for all the good times you must have had over the years, that you can sit quietly, reflect and feel the love that she must be sending you. Try to be strong. We all need a helping hand to clasp onto, whilst we stumble along not knowing what to do to escape the unhappiness we are all feeling. The hands of all of us here, are reaching out to you. God Bless.

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I do know the feeling i lost my mum to covid in january its so unreal and unbearable but reading other peoples posts give me the comfort that i am not alone

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@POLLY333, I love your comments about Mr Cuddles, they brought a sad smile to my face. I bought my wife a small stuffed rabbit teddy in 1989, the year we met. As the years progressed, she used to cuddle it tightly when she was having bad day and suffering a lot of pain. She cried many tears of pain into that rabbit. Now, I take it to bed with me every night and hold it so very close, and I’ve added some of my own tears to it. Like you, I too find that gives me a small sense of comfort.

@FleurDeLis, A few weeks I wrote a 3-page letter to my lady GP, who had also become a friend to my wife and I over the last few years, as well as our GP. I simply requested the DNR in that letter, but since then I haven’t been able to get an appointment to discuss the letter and the DNR with her. I’m not sure if there is any official route to request the DNR, and I have been considering a wristband too because it worries me that any emergency services crew might not be aware of the DNR on my record, whereas a wristband or similar is less likely to be ignored. I can only suggest that you perhaps have a word with your GP and see what he/she advises.

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Alston 56, I have such empathy with you as my life is just like how you have described yours. I lost my darling husband on 4th November 2020, i have a wonderful family & many friends but nothing comes near to having him with me. We were married for almost 53 years & my loss of him is indescribable. Everything you have said is exactly how I feel too, but I guess we have to persevere with our current situation, there is no alternative is there? All the platitudes that are given by well meaning people do not help. I wish you whatever solace you maybe able to find in the future. Jennie

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This sounds so much me! Its been four years now since my lovely wife passed away after 46yrs, and nothings changed. I look back over the past four years, and its empty. No memories, nothing, just emptiness and sadness. Four years of nothing. Yet…i have tried hard, taking up photography, walking, painting, but nothing seems to work, as theres still the loneliness.

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Dear Alston,

I honestly think that this is what it is like for so many of us on the forums, I know it is for me and I have been without my husband for nearly seven years.

Every day is the same, especially since last year when I haven’t seen anyone, not even the neighbours as they are all working from home, no cars coming and going, no children going to and from school.

It is a never ending circle of grief. Before the pandemic I had joined a garden club and a friendship group and we did go out on coach tours, we were all of a similar age, in our late 70’s and early 80’s and it was a break from the monotony of everyday living but even that has stopped. They are long days, even on a lovely summer day, I go in the garden and do what needs doing then go back indoors again as sitting alone on our garden swing is soul destroying at least I can watch a film on the TV but even then I am up and down like a yo-yo, I can’t settle. I haven’t been able to settle and read a book or watch a film from start to finish since Peter died, my attention span has totally vanished.

I awoke this morning at 8 am and lay there because I knew I had nothing to do, the house was spotless, I have goodness knows how many bags of my good quality clothes and shoes to be collected by a charity tomorrow as I know I will never wear them again.

There is no answer to the life we have been left with (existence really).

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You have spoken my thoughts and feeling’s. To try and look forward to anything is impossible.
My darling husband only died suddenly, in our kitchen, last February. I have no interest in doing anything. I can’t relax, can’t focus, can’t smile.
I have no idea what the future holds, but this daily torment us so unbearable.

Dear Polly,

I am waiting until we are together again and I know that one day we will be.

xx

Dear @Lonely,
I have to agree with you, this last year has put a huge strain on those who have been bereaved and those who live alone or are isolated. Like others on the forum, I have never lived on my own, and I have long since forgotten how to accept being in my own company, after being part of a couple for 31 years.

Every day is indeed the same, and I find the longer, sunny days more difficult to deal with than the shorter, dark days. The weather says it’s a time to be happy, to enjoy life, but my brain and heart totally disagree. I understand what you mean about being in the garden, and being unable to settle to read a book or watch a film, I’m exactly the same - zero attention span.

I find the mornings are worst. Waking up and getting that empty feeling, knowing again that I’m alone. Thinking about the day ahead, wondering if I can avoid going out and can just stay home where I feel safe. Hoping I might fall asleep early afternoon to help shorten the day. You are so right, there is no answer to the life we’ve been left with, it really is just an existence now, and I hate every minute of it.

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yes time feels rather meaningless afterwards …

but you did experience the best of times.

2 months ago I had a life; shopping, watching movie, dining, doing the daily chores with my wife for 32 years were great joy for us; after dinner we spend every evening chattering for hours; we felt blessed that we had such a lovely relationship and our daughter, feeling our love, was growing up as a positive and loving person. We were planning to retire next year, sending our daughter to study abroad. Yes we thought we would miss her afterwards, but we congratulated ourselves there would be 2 of us in the empty nest: we looked forward to grow old together…
After she left unexpectedly in March, everything seems empty; everyday is long and I can’t think of enough ways to get through it. I too have low attention span. Although I don’t really enjoy working now but work seems to be offer some distraction.
But our little, humble dream of retiring together has shattered; every morning when I open my eyes, the thought of having to face another day with no purpose nor joy comes up; that’s existence only, and it’s a painful one.
2 months ago I thought I was the happiest man in this world. Now it’s a blxxdy hell. And it will never end.

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Dear berit,

Yes, we did experience the best of times and that is what is making it much harder.
I tend to live in the past such a lot as the future does not hold any happiness and the present is just living day to day. Our sons tell me I am depressed, I am not depressed, I am grieving for the man I loved for 50 years, most of my life.

Dear Alston,

As it is nearly seven years since I lost my soulmate I tend to live in the past such a lot, I can sit in the chair, close my eyes and see our past life as though I was looking through a window. I see my young husband playing with our small children, see him washing the car or playing with all the dogs we have had over the years in the back garden.

I am like you, have never, ever lived alone until my Peter died. I was born into a poor but loving family, my dad, mum and sister, I left the home I lived in with my parents to get married, go on honeymoon and then move into our own home with Peter. Then my dad died, my sister died all young and then mum died but I had Peter to put his arms around me and tell me everything would be okay and it was but there is no-one to put their arms around me now and tell me it will be okay because our sons have got over their dad’s death, they enjoy their lives so I put on this brave face.

I like yourself love the winters, the dark nights and in a way the pandemic has not bothered me because I have had no-one telling me to go out somewhere, do this and do that, I keep telling them that going out alone is not something I want to be doing, I went to the shops I went for my nails doing and massages which our sons bought me as presents for birthdays and Christmas.

No-one seems to understand that you can still grieve for many years after you lose your soulmate, especially when the life you have now got isn’t really a life at all as all my friends from the 60’s, and all my old work colleagues I used to go out with all still have their husbands so I have no friends at all. I liked the Friendship and garden groups I joined but they are all, what I call old people, I am nearly 80 but am 21 in my head and still love rock n roll music, that is all I ever play on my playlist.

I am so sorry Alston because I know exactly how you are feeling and I would not wish this on my worst enemy. Every one of my friends sent me a Merry Christmas card a few weeks after Peter died and they all went in the bin. I wonder what they will think when I send them one when they lose their husbands, but I am not that kind of a person to do that.

Lots of love.

Sheila.xx

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My wife and I grew up in poor families; we worked really hard to achieve financial freedom; and during this process there were ups and downs; her dad died, then it was my dad’s turn 1 month later. Difficulties with study and work; hardship when starting my own business; but for all these trials my wife was by my side. We could cried together and started again. But with her gone, even seemingly carefree days make me frightened. My daughter is young; only 14; I have to raise her up; but other than that I felt there is no point at all for these tormenting days without my best friend, my soulmate. No one waves goodbye when you get to work every morning; no one welcomes you home when you are off from work; no one loves you, and you have no one whom you care. I don’t want to live like an animal. But my joyful days are over. There’s nothing I can do about it.

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