What is the point?

So sorry for all your losses. It is 17 months for me and like yourselves still feel life is no point anymore days as just pointless just have a job doing anything anymore. This year would and should have been a year of happiness as we would have been married for 50 years our golden anniversary that will now not happen. All started to go wrong 3 years ago. I was about to retire and enjoy a happy life with my beautiful wife Penny​:heart: that didn’t happen. As I retired I myself was feeling unwell when to GP and Hospital kept there was nothing wrong just minor problems like piles after months of arguments. Finally got tests Christmas Eve 2018. Came back in February 2019. You have local advanced prostate cancer then had hormone therapy messed up was overdosed for 3 months before it was discovered eventually had 20 days of Radiotherapy June/July 2019. . 2days in to my Radiotherapy my wife Penny :heart: Started suffering back pain problems. Taken to GP to be told it was Siatica. On 17th October Penny collapsed in the bedroom taken to hospital and diagnosed with Mets Breast cancer and passed away on 6th November 2019 just 21 days after diagnosis Aged 67. As I was having Radiotherapy I also lost a very good Friend Les to cancer then I lost my cousin Carol to cancer on the 19th August 2019. Carol was then cremated on my birthday. 18th September 2019. a month later my wife Penny :heart: Collapsed. Iife without Penny :heart: Is just so painful we had been married for 48 years and 5 months. Met Penny when she was just 16. Married Penny :heart: When she was 18 on Saturday the 5th June 1971 we lived just 15 doors from each other in the same road. Life will never be the same without her and just feel so pointless anymore. Just hope all of you on this forum find some kind of relief to your grieving. Please all take care we all need it.

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when my wife was by my side, it’s like I have a refuge: knowing that she would love and support you no matter what gives me peace of mind. Now I’ve lost that feeling of security.

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I know exactly what you mean.

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I know how you feel. It would have been our 40th anniversary next week and her birthday soon as well. I tri to hide how much my heart is breaking. But I keep thinking of my we grandkids and there all that’s keeping me going there smile s just lift me for a short time till they go home then the darkness creeps back. I wish I could help you with advice but I don’t have any. Just look for smile s were you can find them and at least the pain goes for a while. :heart::heart::heart::heart:

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What a roller coaster ride you are on. I sincerely hope, for her memory, and for all the good times you must have had over the years, that you can sit quietly, reflect and feel the love that she must be sending you. Try to be strong. We all need a helping hand to clasp onto, whilst we stumble along not knowing what to do to escape the unhappiness we are all feeling. The hands of all of us here, are reaching out to you. God Bless.

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I do know the feeling i lost my mum to covid in january its so unreal and unbearable but reading other peoples posts give me the comfort that i am not alone

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@POLLY333, I love your comments about Mr Cuddles, they brought a sad smile to my face. I bought my wife a small stuffed rabbit teddy in 1989, the year we met. As the years progressed, she used to cuddle it tightly when she was having bad day and suffering a lot of pain. She cried many tears of pain into that rabbit. Now, I take it to bed with me every night and hold it so very close, and I’ve added some of my own tears to it. Like you, I too find that gives me a small sense of comfort.

@FleurDeLis, A few weeks I wrote a 3-page letter to my lady GP, who had also become a friend to my wife and I over the last few years, as well as our GP. I simply requested the DNR in that letter, but since then I haven’t been able to get an appointment to discuss the letter and the DNR with her. I’m not sure if there is any official route to request the DNR, and I have been considering a wristband too because it worries me that any emergency services crew might not be aware of the DNR on my record, whereas a wristband or similar is less likely to be ignored. I can only suggest that you perhaps have a word with your GP and see what he/she advises.

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Alston 56, I have such empathy with you as my life is just like how you have described yours. I lost my darling husband on 4th November 2020, i have a wonderful family & many friends but nothing comes near to having him with me. We were married for almost 53 years & my loss of him is indescribable. Everything you have said is exactly how I feel too, but I guess we have to persevere with our current situation, there is no alternative is there? All the platitudes that are given by well meaning people do not help. I wish you whatever solace you maybe able to find in the future. Jennie

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This sounds so much me! Its been four years now since my lovely wife passed away after 46yrs, and nothings changed. I look back over the past four years, and its empty. No memories, nothing, just emptiness and sadness. Four years of nothing. Yet…i have tried hard, taking up photography, walking, painting, but nothing seems to work, as theres still the loneliness.

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You have spoken my thoughts and feeling’s. To try and look forward to anything is impossible.
My darling husband only died suddenly, in our kitchen, last February. I have no interest in doing anything. I can’t relax, can’t focus, can’t smile.
I have no idea what the future holds, but this daily torment us so unbearable.

Dear @Lonely,
I have to agree with you, this last year has put a huge strain on those who have been bereaved and those who live alone or are isolated. Like others on the forum, I have never lived on my own, and I have long since forgotten how to accept being in my own company, after being part of a couple for 31 years.

Every day is indeed the same, and I find the longer, sunny days more difficult to deal with than the shorter, dark days. The weather says it’s a time to be happy, to enjoy life, but my brain and heart totally disagree. I understand what you mean about being in the garden, and being unable to settle to read a book or watch a film, I’m exactly the same - zero attention span.

I find the mornings are worst. Waking up and getting that empty feeling, knowing again that I’m alone. Thinking about the day ahead, wondering if I can avoid going out and can just stay home where I feel safe. Hoping I might fall asleep early afternoon to help shorten the day. You are so right, there is no answer to the life we’ve been left with, it really is just an existence now, and I hate every minute of it.

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yes time feels rather meaningless afterwards …

but you did experience the best of times.

2 months ago I had a life; shopping, watching movie, dining, doing the daily chores with my wife for 32 years were great joy for us; after dinner we spend every evening chattering for hours; we felt blessed that we had such a lovely relationship and our daughter, feeling our love, was growing up as a positive and loving person. We were planning to retire next year, sending our daughter to study abroad. Yes we thought we would miss her afterwards, but we congratulated ourselves there would be 2 of us in the empty nest: we looked forward to grow old together…
After she left unexpectedly in March, everything seems empty; everyday is long and I can’t think of enough ways to get through it. I too have low attention span. Although I don’t really enjoy working now but work seems to be offer some distraction.
But our little, humble dream of retiring together has shattered; every morning when I open my eyes, the thought of having to face another day with no purpose nor joy comes up; that’s existence only, and it’s a painful one.
2 months ago I thought I was the happiest man in this world. Now it’s a blxxdy hell. And it will never end.

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My wife and I grew up in poor families; we worked really hard to achieve financial freedom; and during this process there were ups and downs; her dad died, then it was my dad’s turn 1 month later. Difficulties with study and work; hardship when starting my own business; but for all these trials my wife was by my side. We could cried together and started again. But with her gone, even seemingly carefree days make me frightened. My daughter is young; only 14; I have to raise her up; but other than that I felt there is no point at all for these tormenting days without my best friend, my soulmate. No one waves goodbye when you get to work every morning; no one welcomes you home when you are off from work; no one loves you, and you have no one whom you care. I don’t want to live like an animal. But my joyful days are over. There’s nothing I can do about it.

Sheila: thank you for your reply. I am angry too. But even if I am angry, nothing changes. I

When my wife passed, she was recovering from a major illness. That was a miracle. We both felt that after a major crisis we would have some better days ahead. We were both grateful that god had saved her life; so we vowed to help others: we made online videos to educate people on masks and COVID vaccinations(I work in medical field); that was a great hit; I’m sure a lot of lives were saved. Just when we were happy that we’ve served god for his mercy she passed suddenly. Now I’m the one who need help. And I am angry too. To be honest with myself I can fully empathize with your brother in law.
My wife and I often talked with my daughter about our past: how we met, how we went through all the difficulties, how we had been fighting all the ways, how we supported each others in times of crisis; my wife insisted that we should talk to her every night at dinner time so we could understand her more and provide help on time if needed; besides, my daughter could have role models to learn how to face the challenges in life. My wife was like her best friend. It broke my heart to see her losing her mother at this tender age. Your idea of making a journal of our lives as parents is brilliant. But I have to wait; as I was choosing the photo for her funeral last month, I was heart broken. I personally took many of those photographs. I couldn’t imagine one day I’ll be picking one for her funeral.

Dear Sheila: You are absolutely right. That’s what a family should be like.

that’s what everyone who have experienced true love always look forward to. We don’t want to part after death.
Some people think that after certain time we should forget about our love ones and get going. But if we have been deeply in love, the grief can last a long time. Sadly that’s probably what I shall experience.

I know that feeling only too well but it does get better. Lost my Nigel last year & life seems purposeless but now almost a year on I am slowly starting to live again. Give yourself time & just take it one day at a time
Give yourself a schedule of things that need doing & spread them out to fill up the time.
Take care

I lost my wife suddenly to cancer 6 years ago and I feel the pain and loneliness everyday. The daily routine just goes on and on and never gets any easier. There is part of my life missing and I know it will never be the same.

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It is just Totally impossible Dear Lonely,
We met at 19 & grew up together & got to our 60’s still holding hands like teenagers, riding bikes, doing scary rollercoasters, laughing together & being like a double act - family & friends loved that. Now I’m a nothing person, very little to say, no motivation to do anything, or see anyone, can’t sleep, eating very little & just not caring anymore.
Days are long, nights are longer still.

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Dear Sheila (@Lonely),
I can barely begin to imagine how you have coped over the years with the loss of your dad, sister and mum. I have been lucky until last year, both my parents are still alive at 97 years old and I have one older brother. But my wife, Nicki, and I were rather isolated in our situation, because of Nicki’s disability, pain levels and associated health problems. She was often asleep during the day and had disturbed sleep at night, so life very much revolved around how she was feeling, and that never bothered me, but she used to get tired easily in company. It was always just us, just the two of us, no-one else really mattered, and Nicki was the centre of my universe. I now feel like a useless, empty shell, because most of me died too the day I lost Nicki.

And you are so right about the grieving period, it does never end, I’m really only just starting to appreciate that. It’s not something you can ever get over, the grief lives on inside you each and every day and permeates every moment of existence. Your comment of “nearly 80 but am 21 in my head” made me smile, because Nicki and I had exactly the same sort of outlook as you. I’m 64 and Nicki was 54 (she died on my 64th birthday), but I look on age as just being a number nowadays, your real age depends so much on your outlook on life. We were often just like a couple of kids.

Over the last 7 months or so, I have read many of your posts on various threads. You are a good person, coming up to 7 years without your dearest Peter, and you must be so resilient to have achieved that, although you probably don’t think so. Your pain and grief do come through in your words, but I have always found your posts helpful and usually find myself nodding in agreement, thinking “I feel like that” or “I know what she means”.

I’m not a very overtly emotional person - I tend to lock my feelings up deep inside, which is partly why I find myself struggling so much now. Please continue to take good care of yourself, I think we are both biding our time and loooking forward to the day we are reunited with our better halves.

My very best wishes to you,
Alston xx

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