same here. I met my wife when we were 17. She’s may first love, best friend, soulmate and my life; 32 years together and 25 years of marriage. We loved each other more with every year passed. With her by my side the days, although not without tribulations, were joyful and carefree. Time passed quickly. I felt safe with her. Even in times of social unrest/COVID we felt secure within our little world.
Now with her passed I suddenly became just like a child left without parents in the market, or a boat without an anchor in a storm. Everyday, no, every second, is tormenting. I struggled to get over the night. It’s so lonely and empty.
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Bad night last night. I woke up in the early hours and realised (again) the full horror of my life. I cannot see any point, other than being here for my children, in anything. It feels like I am trapped in hell - a life sentence without my soulmate and I don’t know how long that life sentence will be.
I can get up and breathe through each day but for what? It is so much effort to get through each day but with no reward for the effort being put in. Some days were hard work before but there was a goal in sight - an evening together, a holiday in the summer, a retirement in later years, but now there is nothing other than making sure I don’t bring any more grief to my children.
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I hate this idea that when we lost our love ones, what being left to us is that we have to learn to lead a life that we don’t want; it’s not our fault dammit; why should we be punished? Our love ones and us had been through ups and downs; we went through all the trials in life; we sacrificed to make our relationship work and it worked brilliantly; we enjoyed the true love which is seldomly seen today; we were then robbed of the most precious thing in our lives and were told that we should accept the fact that we would grow old alone and shouldn’t be a burden to ourfamily/friends. That’s unfair. There are so many people out there whose marriage is a mess/ who raise up problematic children; this is a cruel /crazy world.
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Sheila: that’s a good one. I love it. Those platitudes/shifting of goalpost aren’t helping at all.
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Thank you Polly thank you for your kind words. Family and Friends do not seem to have any all just walked away and got on with their lives as nothing as happened no longer call then It was always Penny:heart: that had to make contact with them. Penny all rang first can remember Penny:heart: saying you are still with us then. Life just hasn’t been fair to any of us on this forum. Penny 
Was my life my world and that has been broken to pieces. 15th of May 1969 was the the first day I asked Penny Out on a date. Those years have just gone and it will be the 15th of May 2021 in a fortnight. Life is just a empty space it will be 18 months on 6th May it that time I don’t think anyone has been in contact to see how I am feeling
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Dear Jules4
Yesterday was a bad day - had to call the Samaritans in the afternoon - really could not see the point of anything. The lady on the end of the phone was really supportive and I did manage to calm down a little. But very little to eat and just hid under a blanket on the settee the rest of the day/evening until it was time for bed.
I understand your comments about how hard we have worked to reach a point where we could just focus on each other and enjoy the rewards of all our hard work. I go on for our kids and grandsons.
Take care
Sheila
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Alaston I am so sorry to here about your loss. Life can be so cruel. I lost my husband 1 year ago and the pain it’s like know other he was laughing with are girls when he went out of the door and 45 minutes later he had gone. I don’t no if life gets any easier but l keep going for my girls my are youngest is 13 and not copying without her best friend. I think it helps a little to know that you can talk on here to people that are going through the same as yourself.
I’m sorry that you are having a bad time as well. At least we all understand but it’s no comfort really to know that so many others are suffering. I hope that you are able to have a better day today. It’s hard knowing that our ‘better days’ now are worse than our ‘bad days’ of the past, isn’t it?
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Jules4
So true our 'better" days are hard to bear, then come the bad days which are even harder to bear.
I had a letter today from the hospital asking if I want to know any aspect of the care my Marti had whilst in ICU, what can I ask really.
Dear Jules4
Thank you. I was not scheduled to visit our son today so threw myself into doing the garden. Then also did our next door neighbour’s an old woman approaching 90 who loved my husband an told me at the beginning of the week that she has only just stopped crying for him - it made me cry. Then she gets taken into hospital and not sure what the outcome will be. If the garden is the last thing I can do for her then I hope my husband is looking down and smiling as he always helped her.
At least it is tea-time now so hopefully I can hide under the blanket again and just get some sleep.
I hate this life. Its just so empty and difficult to comprehend how we can go on without the person we loved and had envisaged so many more years ahead.
Take care.
Sheila
How kind you are attending your garden and then your neighbour.
No doubt your husband was looking down and smiling at you whilst you was attending to your neighbours garden. So sorry she’s in hospital, she sounds so sweet crying for your husband too.
You are carrying on his legacy looking after the gardens.
I too tidied garden, mowed lawn, Marti pops up in my head even when I’m trying to distract myself from thinking about him, but I can’t do it, I crave for him to be with me.
I try hard not to think of the future but I can’t help it, the future was what me and Marti were getting excited about, now many years I have left without him.
I’m trying to do things but I feel like its not me, I feel detached from life and people, I have no purposd kind of feeling, does anyone else feel like this.
Amy x
I too am trying to continue my existence 1 day at a time; I feel I’ve been robbed of many days with my soulmate. I don’t think we deserve that. We’d been building up such a loving relationship and suddenly it’s taken away; it’s replaced with a life that I hate and I can do nothing about it. I tried not to think about the future. It goes contrary to what we used to do as we liked to plan ahead. Not thinking about the future is not having hope; and I don’t see a point to carry on if there’s no hope
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Hi Julie, sorry you’ve had a bad day. It was nice to meet and chat the other day. When I left you to walk back through town I cried remembering all the times me and Geoff had been there, visualising us sat outside the coffee shops, buying birthday and Christmas presents.
I said that I had had a few good days, but today am sat crying like a baby again. My sister had put on Facebook photos of her day at Carsington Water and I just want to be there with Geoff, another place we visited regularly.
I want to tell him about the long tailed tit that visited our pond today and the male blackcap that is singing on the park.
I want a hug from him to make me feel better.
So so lonely and sad 
Take care Jacky. Hugs 
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Yes, I can’t help but feel so sad for the future that we’ve lost. Within a couple of years our children would have finished university and it was going to be our time. We’d booked a couple of short breaks in the UK this summer - again, our time. To have that snatched away so suddenly hurts like hell.
It was nice to meet and chat the other day. So sorry that you are feeling lower again. I just haven’t been selling so took a sleeping tablet last night so at least I have had one night’s decent sleep. I went for a walk yesterday and will do today but every morning I do just think what is the point of today?
Same for me again today what’s the point 
so hard x
Dear Amy49
Thank you. My husband is constantly on my mind. We too were getting excited. We were about to hang up our work clothes and look forward to a great retirement. Now that will never happen. I still left work - I cannot even remember my own name or what I went into the supermarket for so would be no good staying on. In any case we only worked to give our kids what they needed, a nice house and holidays. That means nothing now. All that hard work for absolutely nothing in return.
This bank holiday weekend is also proving difficult - we would have visited the grandchildren and then went for a drive around Northumberland or Yorkshire Moors. I went to the Moors last weekend when it was my husband’s birthday and will go again as we loved the place but it did break my heart. I am no longer the bright and smiling person I once was. I feel vulnerable and frail.
I want the old me back but that is only possible if the one person I so desperately need and want was at my side.
Our son has taken a few photos of me with our new grandson. I force a smile, but the eyes tell the real story. There is no longer a glow just sadness.
I am hoping to go and get some plants for the gardens tomorrow and some forget-me-knots perhaps. I feel that as people start to resume ‘normal’ life my husband will be forgotten by so many.
Hi Ruth like you I also lost my mum in January she was in hospital and was tested positive for covid which I think led to other problems. She was my rock because I lost my husband two years ago again in January we had only been married two weeks my mum was always on the other end of the phone now I don’t have either of them you are definitely not alone I sending you a big virtual hug x
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I was beginning to think that I SHOULD feel better after it being two years and five months today since my husband died. The fact is that I don’t feel better - I just get up every morning (after going to bed at 1.30-2.30am) and wander round the house, hoping to still find my Eddie waiting for me. I am very sad as it is four years for you, but how can we accept this new life? We also were married for 46 years - now as you say there is just this empty life full of sadness. I have never lived on my own. I left my parents house to get married at eighteen and yes, I have some wonderful memories (as people say) but they make no difference now. One day I hope they will, but they bring no comfort when I sit alone and miss Eddie so much. My grandchildren bring a little light into my life, but even then I always think Eddie should be with me to see them grow. I don’t want to wallow in misery, but I find it so difficult to see any joy in anything at all now, and everything I try to do to carry on is a big effort.
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Hi everyone. sorry we are on Sue Ryder forum due to us all going through what is the most horrible place to be grieving as the most the time you feel lonely and ask yourself why am I in this situation it feels so personal as we probably all feel the same. Family and Friends have just gone and got on with life. Me just stuck in a life that means nothing anymore. On the 6th May it will be 18 months since my Penny:heart: left this world. Just hope Penny Is all free of pain. Wish it was 18979 days ago. Thursday 15th May 1969 the day I asked my Penny out for the first time Penny was just 16 . 52 years ago only to lose here on the 6th November 2019. Aged 67. Life is just empty now just want to be with her so much. were did all them days go. Hugs to everyone.
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