What next

I have seen too much or should I say enough? I do not close my eyes anymore because the last 20 years of pain replays like I’m watching it on my eyelids. I don’t know how much further I care to go. Having 2 wonderful daughters does not convince me that I am still needed here. Am going insane. It’s a fact that the older I get the more things I leave behind but the people who have kept me together up to now have nearly all gone so how do I keep on going? They made sense of it all, I cannot.

Oh, Olivia08, you are such a tortured soul as I am. My friend said that expression to me last week and she also said “I definitely drew the short straw” as I have had so much bereavement the last 17 years of my life. I can feel your pain and just wish there was a magic wand that would take away our pain and everyone else who are tortured souls on this site. I have no children and how I wish I did. You have 2 daughters who I AM SURE still need you. How would they feel if you were not around? You are their mum and the postings on this site show a mum is a special, unique person in our lives. They gave birth to us and love us unconditionally. My mum died 9 years ago and I was desolate when she died and I still miss her dreadfully. I have lost everyone apart from an 89 year old Great Aunt and she is deteriorating in body and mind and I KNOW I will soon be losing her and then I will have YET ANOTHER bereavement to go through apart from losing my partner and rock 2 months ago. I am like you and feel there is no future and no point in carrying on. I do not choose to live and wish I could die too and be out of it but I guess it is not our time yet. I am too scared to take my life in case I botch it and end up an invalid. There is no one to look after me so what then? I try and think that last time Dave came into my life and helped me so maybe something or someone else will help me this time. ‘Time’ DID heal me after I lost my darlin mum but it was only when my partner came into my life and now he has been taken from me. I too feel so alone and am scared of a life of loneliness and lack of family and/or special one in my life. You say your daughters are ‘wonderful’ so you have that to feel blessed about. Are you able to talk to them? I am starting a bereavement support group on Thursday. Could you do the same? Someone on this site said she is finding it helpful AND she is making friends through going to it. I am wanting to widen my circle of friends so maybe I might make some new friends too. At least someone attending the group would be in the same boat so would be understanding and supportive and non-judgmental. Sometimes I too feel I am going insane as I seem to be unable to make a decision and do things, then go back on them. For instance, I apply for jobs then don’t turn up to the interviews as feel I can’t handle them and cannot cope with going to work. Then I wish I had gone to the interview because maybe going to work would help. Who knows! I am like a hamster in a wheel - trying to keep busy and keep my mind occupied and end up getting no where in thought and deed. My friend said I am all over the place and she is right. I have also hurt friends who have tried to help. If they are in couples or have family I am avoiding them and told them to leave me alone. I cannot stomach being with them in their happy little world when I have had mine taken from me. Have you chatted to your GP? If my torture doesn’t soon abate, I think I might have to go. I find this site helpful as it is good to share and also to read other people’s postings and respond. There is so much suffering so we are not alone in that. Anyway, nice talking to you and hope you reply back. My thoughts are with you. Best wishes from Karen XX

Hi Olivia08,

I’m so sorry to read that you’ve lost a lot of people in your life, and that you feel you can’t go any further. You aren’t going insane, but it sounds as though you are feeling really low and could really do with some support.

As Karen suggested, I’d really encourage you to see your GP, and ask to be referred to counselling or other forms of support.

The Samaritans are always there 24/7 if you need to talk about anything that’s bothering you (116 123, or jo@samaritans.org).

If you are at risk of harming yourself, please call 999, go to A&E or contact your GP for an emergency appointment immediately.

I hope that writing things down on this site can also be a good outlet. The users here are very understanding and suppportive. Do you feel like telling us any more about your situation, or about the people that you have lost in your life? How old are your daughters, and do they live with you?

Hi I need some help my daughter is 16 and I lost both my parents together 6years ago and ive
Just found out that she is suffering
from depression and anxiety is it got something. to do with my parents I’m lost of knowing what to do

Hello Olivia08, what you are feeling affects many people, I know for certain that it affects me. As we get older we lose more and more of our family and friends. My losses started when I lost my dad, my sister, my mum, our baby, all my aunts and uncles, brother-in-law then my beloved husband three years ago. Even though we have our sons or daughters who love us it doesn’t seem to make us feel any better because we have lost our past and we are going on into the future without the ones we have grown up with and loved for many years. Everyone in my family has now gone I just have my sons and grandchildren left but they have their own lives, they do look after me for which I am grateful and I return the favour by childminding a lot for them but all we want is our family we had when we were growing up to talk about the good old days because the young of today don’t have a clue about the 40’s, 50’s and 60’s when I was a teenager. The past seems more real to me than the present because all my happy memories are there. We just plod on and live day to day because there is nothing else we can do without hurting our children and I would never, ever do that. Love Sheila xx

Oh Karen you sound like you’ve been through hell yet you’ve come out the other side positively trying to help others that shows a very strong person.I am just starting my journey I lost my Mum my best friend on the 18th I feel like everything has stood still I am numb in shock and broken and absolutely dreading life without her having looked after her for the last forty one years.I am lucky to have a supportive husband but I feel empty dreading the future and missing everything we did together .I hope that something amazing happens to help you cope with your loss and takes away some of your pain.I am trying not to think about it as it hurts so much I am dreading Xmas and just want to run away x

Hi Karen. I feel your pains too. Just like am in pains now. But i cherished a word from what you have written… and from what i understood . It means at the appointed time each person would go. I console.myself with it and no one is leaving this world alive. I sometimes wonder why death exist. I miss my brother alot. Because he was the only brother i have on earth and my confidant.

Karen,

I am so sorry to read your story. Losing your partner only 2 months ago is so recent.

My lifelong partner died suddenly 8 weeks ago and I am still in shock and think I always will be.We’d been together so many years that I still can’t believe he’s gone.

Don’t try to do too much to soon, job interviews are a big thing to face at any time.
I find it difficult to go to the supermarket in town that I’ve been going to for 30 years, 3 times I’ve come out in tears.

Take time to think about your partner, my partner like yours was such a support and gave me such good advice time and time again. I miss him so much and always will.

Best wishes J x

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