What next?

Hi.
I lost my dad last Thursday - it was expected but I don’t feel like it’s made it any easier.
The thought of never seeing him again scares me and I already miss him so much. He was my best friend and I saw him everyday. My life will never be the same again.
I have close people around me but I feel like nobody else understands, not properly.
Is it normal to feel worse at night time? I can’t stop thinking about him but I start to panic at night time. The doctor has prescribed propananol for the anxiety but I’m not sure if it’s helping.
I keep worrying about my mum too and send myself into spirals of worry thinking something might happen to her.
Susan

Dear Susan
I am so sorry to hear about your dad, you must have had an amazing relationship and he sounds like an amazing man. It is such early days for you and your family, you are still in shock. I do not think it matters how someone dies, if you love them the feeling of loss is just the same. My son passed away nearly 5 months ago and we organised counselling quite quickly as we knew we would not be able to cope without some help. In the beginning it is a mixture of shock, grief anxiety, pain (some times physical) and disbelief.
I hope you have good friends and family to help get you through these first difficult weeks, ask for help if you need it, cry when you want to, I myself cry less now but a lot at the beginning but even now I feel like I might explode if I don’t cry.
Be kind to yourself and write again if you want to, I found it helpful to express how I feel on here.
Take care
Janet

Thank you, Janet. It’s comforting to read your message.
I’m so sorry to hear about your loss - life just isn’t fair at times. My thoughts are with you and your family. Have you had individual counselling or family?
Today has been particularly tough, I don’t want to put on my mum and brothers too much as they’re grieving as well but all I actually want is a big hug and to be told it will all be ok… but maybe it won’t. From reading about grief it sounds like it’s something that will never leave.
I hope you’re finding the counselling helpful and I really appreciate you relying to me.
Thank you
Susan

Hi Susan.
Thank you so much for your reply. You are right when you say that you do not get over grief but I think that as time goes on you do learn to live along side it, it becomes part of who you are, I am only 5 months into this grief journey but I can see this already happen, I think it has to or you become overwhelmed by it. Don’t get me wrong, there are points during the day when the grief of losing by beautiful boy is to much, but I do carry on, you will find that you are stronger than you know, but do not be hard on yourself if you feel overwhelmed, it will happen.
We have all had counselling individually as it helps to be able to talk freely about things. Everyone needs someone to talk to, we worry about upsetting our families so it easier to talk to someone from outside the family.
Take care
Janet

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