Hi I’m new to the group, I lost my husband last April to cancer, I always thought I was strong and would be fine, that’s so not true, I put a brave face on smile make a joke but every minute of my life I am thinking could I have done more to help him , why was I horrible to him in my head when he was being nasty to me. We were married 47 yrs there’s a big empty hole now that I can’t climb out off. I can’t cry , I just still feel it’s not real, he’s in my dreams every night sometimes just there but others reliving the pain and illness, I’ve now dreamt that I’m going to die on my birthday, grief is all consuming . I don’t burden my kids with my feelings, they’ve got they’re own grief to wade through so I’m hoping through this site I can get some peace. Thanks for reading. Love to you all going through this
Hello @Anne66 ,
I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. It sounds as though things still feel unreal for you at the moment and you are feeling many mixed emotions while still trying to remain strong.
I’m glad that you’ve been able to share how you are feeling here and I hope that you find the community a good source of support. Everyone here has experienced the loss of a loved one and will understand some of what you are going through.
I’m sure someone will be along to offer their support, but I wanted to share a few resources with you that may help you right now.
Our Grief Guide self-help platform which has information, resources and advice to help you through your grief
Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS
Our free Online Bereavement Counselling which is held via video chat
Our Bereavement Information pages which can walk you through what you are going through .
Take care - keep reaching out,
Thanks for responding, I have just completed the referral for some counselling and again hope this helps to set me on a recovery path
Hi, I’m so sorry to read the turmoil you are in following the loss of your husband. When I saw that you are feeling bad about how you felt when your husband was being unkind it rang a bell in my head. I lost my husband to cancer 5 months ago and during his illness he said some horrid things and often pushed me away. I was told this is often the case with patients who are terminally ill with cancer and that it is part of either the damage to organs or the treatment that causes this behaviour. For this reason I was able to forgive him and I don’t feel guilty for how I felt at the time as this was what cancer did to me as his wife and carer.
My husband said to me before he passed over “ forgiveness is something we must all learn and apologies can be accepted” it has given me great comfort to know that these indiscriminate illnesses harm all concerned but it does not destroy the love we share and in time we will let go of those painful times and remember the love that not even cancer can reach.
Thank you for your reply untill you’ve been in this situation you don’t understand do you, your so new to this like me, I don’t rant and rave or cry I have this all consuming sadness which is a big brick in my chest . How do you cope?
I’m hoping that sharing on this site helps me and others to come to some sort of time where I can remember the good and times when we laughed because I can’t yet. I think during the illness and treatment I was in auto pilot, making sure I did everything in my power to keep him well and organised to give him the best chance of survival but it wasn’t enough was it cancer won in the end .
@Anne66 im so sorry to hear that you’re still really suffering. Im only 4 weeks into my journey and already im troubled with grief and loneliness. If you’re still so troubled after 6 or 7 months I’m fearing the future even more.
You are so right in saying that no one can possibly know how this feels unless you’ve been there…just wish neither of us, or anyone else on this site, had been there. The depth of grief can pysically hurt or have physical effects…my janice lost 4 stone in 12 weeks before stomach cancer took her. I lost 3 stone over the same period s anxiety stopped me eating . Still having trouble stabilising my weight.
I cope by trying to have a daily routine. Go for a paper, make breakfast, morning exercise lunch etc. It seems to distract me by keeping active. I also started doing jig saw puzzles and painting by numbers for rainy days…but these early darkness days are real difficult. I used to be an avid reader but concentrating is a problem as my mind wanders.
Be good to hear how you distract yourself…maybe help me to try other things.
Bill was diagnosed with lung cancer in March 21, at that time I was working full time and also working for myself being a mobile foot practitioner. Initially I became ill with anxiety as the prognosis wasn’t good and I struggled juggling a busy job , foot work and running bill to appointments and looking after him. I gave up full-time work and concentrated solely on looking after Bill. I found that there was no me time or time that bill needed space so I joined the gym and organised my time so I could get an hour a day where I could walk the treadmill and go for a quick swim. It gave us both respite. Mov in ng forward to after the funeral and when all the bustle of people died back I ventured back to the gym and swim, I have to force myself and often don’t speak to anyone but just making the effort makes me feel like I’ve achieved , I also make the effort and phone friends and arrange small activities like going for a walk. I still work doing feet but haven’t gone back to full time work. I plan my day so I have to go out to clients so each day I have to face the world. Like you my concentration is poor and I can’t read a book and I flick through the TV channels. Some days are easier than others, I’ve also had to face some firsts such as our wedding anniversary it would have been 47 yrs last week so I think that sends you on a down spiral, but be positive every day is a new day and some good memories may surface to give you a bitter sweet time. My thoughts are with you and others in our club, it’s a shame that we’re not always a happy club, but our passed loved ones wouldn’t want us to dwell they’d be thinking ‘one life live it’. Take care. Anne
All I can say is well done both of you , you are putting one foot in front of the other and getting through your day and that is an achievement in itself in those early weeks and months. I won’t say it gets better but you do learn to manage your grief and pain as time goes by I tell people who say time heals that it doesn’t you just learn to walk by it’s side and it nudges you now and again when you least expect it. Give yourself time and be proud that you’ve getting through each day perhaps with a tear or two but you are stronger for it Take care
Thank you your words are so comforting, as you know some days are better than others, but we have to keep going., I hope your getting comfort on your journey.anne xx